


Placebo

by Leaveitbrii



Series: Wouldn't It Be Nice [3]
Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Climbing Class, F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Josh Lives, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Recovery, climbing trash, exorJosh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-09
Updated: 2015-11-30
Packaged: 2018-04-30 21:24:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 48,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5180270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leaveitbrii/pseuds/Leaveitbrii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based loosely on the comics by <a href="http://danji-doodle.tumblr.com">danji-doodle</a></p><p>It's been a year. They're better.</p><p>And if Chris wants to fight Josh's roommate, they'd call it progress.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fleeting Foxes

**Author's Note:**

> Nothin' like a little drama to get your blood boiling

Chris understands that every kid eventually moves out, gets their own place and has roommates. He gets that. It's what he did. What he doesn't get is why Josh Washington is getting an apartment with roommates. Why he's getting an apartment at all with roommates that aren't Chris. He's not pissed, just annoyed.

Chris has a box of comics tucked under his arms, irritably watching Josh fumble with a crate full blu ray disks as he tries to open the front door. It clicks open with a successful 'fuck yeah' and Chris already hates the place. It's a nice, two bedroom apartment downtown with windows too big and a small patio that houses a garden. Josh loves it. He rattles on about how high the ceilings are and that there's a claw foot bathtub in his bathroom. 

"I have a built in book case, man. Shits stacked. I love it so much. Are you still bringing the projector later?" Josh bounces around his cluttered room, stepping easily over boxes and clothes.

"Yeah, bro." Chris sets the box of comics on another box beside the door. He leans against the frame. "When's your roommate coming back?"

"Dunno. Coop said something about volunteering to pose nude for some classy art kids."

"Sounds like a real charmer."

"And you sound like a jealous bitch." Josh remarks, unpacking a box labeled "fat shit stacks bro". He takes out a shirt.

"I'm still not understanding why you didn't want to room with me. Your boyfriend. Partners in crime."

Josh folds the shirt into the bottom drawers of his wardrobe, an amused expression on his face. "I already told you. I wanna experience college life, actual college life. You got to live a moderately normal life while I was off eating elk and baby food. I just want to experience."

Josh walks past him back into the living room. He wanders into the small kitchen, prying the door open. Josh tosses Chris a beer after he cracks his open on the counter.

"Cheers bro!"

"This is shitty beer." Chris responds, still popping his open on the table.

It wasn't a bad apartment. Not that the Washington's would allow their older son to live in a shit hole (in fact they were absolutely miffed when Josh didn't move in with Chris, however Josh's psychiatrist said the change would be good, cause codependency was not), but it was certainly modest. The kitchen is about the size of a closet and the washer and dryer strung up behind a door somewhere. But it was wide with cement floors and grey walls. Josh loved it which meant Chris should love it.

He didn't.

"Wow, you really hate it." Josh smirks, hopping onto to the kitchen counter. Chris walks over to him, cradling the beer to his chest. He sets it down beside Josh, forcing a smile onto his face.

"Yeah," he admits. "But it's what you want."

Josh bumps their heads together, smiling crookedly and the scar under his eye looks so much better than it did before. "Yeah."

"Well. Can't seem to deny my boy anything." Chris sighs. "Anyone ask about your scar?"

"Bear attack." Josh smirks, taking another sip of his beer. "Like on teen wolf. Everything supernatural was mountain lion related. Everything here is bear related."

"If you lived with me none of it would be bear related." Chris mumbles earning a light slap to his arm. "I'm just sayin, bro."

"It's only one semester. Plus Alfie says it's good to 'branch out.'" Josh gives air quotes.

Chris has only met Alphonse, Josh's psychiatrist, a handful of times at the bequest of Malia and Josh. He was an older, black man who dressed like a member of an Amish community but Josh liked him enough. Beyond Josh's therapy, they never talk about his visit to the hospital. Josh doesn't want to. 

Chris imagines this entire situation is karma for encouraging Josh to take a few courses when he felt up to it. He had found Josh buried in old scripts, chuckling to himself as he read them, enough times for it to be known that Josh missed film. But at the time, he thought Josh would stay with him or at his parents

The sound of the lock jingling rings through the air, Josh perking up instantly. Chris takes a step back, leaning against the stove as another boy wanders down the hallway into the conjoined living room. He's attractive, taller than Chris with a buzz cut that shapes his head weird. 

"Hey man! Thought I'd get here sooner but looks like you moved in without me." He beams at Josh, cheerfully, practically oozing with boyish charm. Chris hates him.

"Had my bro here to help." Josh nods at Chris, who only tilts his beer bottle in greeting. They had agreed to keep their relationship on a need to know basis, despite how many people seemed to assume they were dating; and this felt like one of those need to know moments.

"'Sup. I'm Cooper. People call me, Coop." He's not nearly as enthusiastic but Chris doesn't really mind because he hates him and his stupid buzz cut. If anyone asked his reasoning would be that he seems shifty, the main reason would be that he's Josh's roommate which sets him permanently on top of Chris' shit list.

"Chris." Chris responds simply, earning a pointed look from Josh. Cooper gives him a dimpled smile, reaching up to pat Josh's shoulder. His touch lingers when he pulls away.

"There's a party later if you want to go?"

Josh nods, taking a sip of his beer. "Yeah, man lets do it."

"Awesome." And like that he's gone as quickly as he appeared, brushing his hand over Josh's shoulder again, Josh unperturbed by the touchiness. It irks Chris to his core. 

"I thought Alfie said to take it slow."

Josh smirks at him. "Keep it secret, huh, Cochise?"

"Oh? And what do I get?" Chris asks around his beer. They had gotten better about Josh going out, Josh getting drunk in light of events that happened during the summer. Josh's eyes light up, tugging his bottom lip in between dulled teeth. They were still vaguely pointy, not nearly as sharp. Fortunately some of the more pleasing side effects stuck around, like Josh's bird calls and his purring. His gaze drags along Chris' form slowly, lingering every so often before settling on his face. 

"What do you want?" 

"Can't say moving out is an option huh?" Chris chuckles at Josh's eye roll. "I'll settle for a blow job. And being a good boyfriend and texting me when you finally drag your drunk ass home."

Josh slides off the counter, stepping up to Chris in one easy movement. He presses their lips together easily, tugging on Chris' sweater. They separated with a soft pop.

"Deal." Josh whispers, a coy smile curving into the side of his mouth and he's bouncing off towards his room. Chris does not sigh, except he does, specifically into his beer bottle. He notices Cooper's open room from his angle in the kitchen, frowning when he sees a shadow move away from the door. 

He trails after Josh, peering over his shoulder at the hallway where the second bedroom sits. Nothing happens. Josh is unpacking, folding clothes and tucking them away while Chris lazes on his bed, eyes on the open door. 

"I know this isn't easy for you. To trust me to live on my own but I feel like I can do this, Chris." Josh mumbles, bunching up the shirt in his hands.

Chris sits up at that, frowning. "I do trust you."

Josh looks back at him, gaze soft. "Then why-"

"We just got back. Back to normal, back from what happened on the mountain. I just," Chris sighs, taking in the pathetic expression Josh wears. "It doesn't matter, Josh. If this is what you want then that's fine. I'll support you no matter what. So does Sam and your parents. Plus Jess is literally down the street from you."

Josh nods, turning back to his folding, shoulders slumped and Chris instantly feels bad. He rubs his face roughly, sliding onto the floor. Chris crawls up to where Josh is, still folding clothes, and sits behind him, head pressing into his spine. 

"You're not making a bad decision, Josh. You deserve this." Chris says, more for himself than anything. He realizes he's being a bit unreasonable, but they had been through a lot in the past year. 

"Still think I'm hot shit?"

"Fuckin' smoking, bro." Chris mumbles.

Josh laughs, turning to him, eyes shining in amusement. He presses their foreheads together, the angle awkward but Chris doesn't move, relishing the moment, the quiet, before Josh pulls away, cheeks light pink. Chris finds it adorable. 

Footsteps pad down the hallway and a knock comes to the open door, Chris turning to see Cooper leaned against the doorframe, all dimples and smiles, eyes focused intensely on Chris before they slide to Josh.

"Neat place right?" Cooper asks, scratching at a trail of hair on his stomach. 

"Yeah." Josh agrees. "I'm diggin' this window too." 

The window was nice. Nice and wide, stretching across the smaller wall in Josh's room, overlooking the courtyard. It didn't hold the sun as well as the ones at Chris' apartment but Josh's dislike of bright places never seemed to leave after he got better. 

"So party's at 8. You coming as well, man?" Cooper is looking at Chris, eyes sharp and calculating, his smile friendly. Josh perks up as if the thought never occurred to him. He shifts towards Chris, mouth already open to speak but Chris raises a hand.

"I have class at 7am." Chris reminds him and Josh groans, sinking back into his folded clothes. Cooper smirks from where he stands, hands sliding into the pockets of his jeans and he does nothing to hide the delight in Chris' answer. Chris assumes this is what happens when you get a hot boyfriend, people try to stake their claim on said hot boyfriend. 

"Next time then?" Cooper asks politely.

Chris resists the sigh. "Yeah, probably."

"It'll be like old times, Cochise. Drowin' in the bottle." Josh jokes, scooping up a bundle of neatly pressed shirts. He slides them into his drawer, busying himself with another box. Chris notices that Cooper hasn't left, that he's still lingering in the door way and Chris thinks maybe he's being paranoid when he finds the gaze on Josh sinister. He's probably just over analyzing the situation as more than a thirsty roommate. When Cooper disappears, Chris pulls Josh to him, chuckling at the undignified squawking sound the other makes as he's pulled into his lap. 

"Promise me something."

Josh hums in response, shifting until he's comfortable. His head knocks against Chris' chin. He settles easily in Chris' lap, pressing up into his neck with a pleased noise. "What's up, bro?"

"Anything weird starts up. Call me. And I'll take you home, okay?" Chris whispers, angling Josh's face to look at him.

Josh nods. "Promise. Ok, daddy?"

"Stop it, loser." Chris bites his nose softly earning a small laugh. 

Josh makes Chris help him unpack, breaking down boxes to store in the closet. When they're finished, the room bares some resemblance to Josh's old room, all grey and black. He sets up three picture frames on his night stand; pictures of Josh with his sisters, him and Chris and the entire gang of misfits. 

"Sam curse you out yet?" Chris asks, tugging on his jacket when they're done. It's dark outside, streetlights shining brightly through Josh's window.

Josh grimaces, looking over at the abandoned phone in the center of the floor. He looks back at Chris, eyes wide with fear and it could only mean two things; Josh was ignoring her or Sam didn't know he had moved and Chris unintentionally busted him.

Chris pauses, a hand on his zipper. "You did tell her, right?"

"Fuck." Josh groans, falling back on his bed. "Fuck. She's going to kill me."

"Mm. Probably. But she thinks you're too pretty." Chris jokes. Josh flips him off from the bed.

"Save me."

"No way. Sam's scary, ok? Terrifying. Absolutely terrifying." Chris shudders at the thought. "Come walk me out, you baby."

Josh sulks the entire time, walking close behind Chris like his death certificate has been signed and stamped. Maybe it has. They stop in the small foyer of the apartment. Cooper's door is closed, no noise coming from the other side. Chris bends down, head tilting slightly to the side and Josh meets him halfway, softly purring in response.

"Ill text you when I'm home." Chris tells him.

"You gonna miss me?"

Chris shakes his head. "Absolutely not. I need all that space in my bed for sleeping. Sleeping, not sex."

"What about sex?" Josh nudges him.

"It's just constant with you isn't it?" 

Josh shrugs, smiling widely. "It's why you like me."

"You're fucking right." Chris opens the front door, stepping into the plain hallway. A set of stairs lead down to the lower floors, an elevator sitting unused beside it. Josh stands in the doorway, arms folded over his stomach, appearing unsure and small.

Chris gives his arm a squeeze. "I'm here for you. Just call, ok?"

Josh puffs out his cheeks. "Thanks, man."

Chris moves to say he loves him but the words die immediately after they work into his mind. Instead he kisses Josh one last time, noses brushing and Josh pulls him by his collar for another, eyes lined with tears.

Josh watches him leave, their eyes meeting as Chris turns around in the elevator shaft. He's reaching to press the button for the lobby when Josh's focus turns inside, a smile spreading across his face and Chris can hear another voice. The elevator door slides closed, the last thing Chris seeing is Josh turning back to him, expression soft, and he's gone.

It's a quiet ride home, the lack of a second presence so thick it's tangible. Chris plays Mamma Mia until he pulls into his parking spot, sitting in the car a while longer well after the song ends. His apartment is cold, empty in a way that makes him want to sleep on the couch. But he doesn't. Instead he shoots Josh a text, rummaging around in his fridge for something resembling meat. He only finds left over tofu stir fry that he eats cold over the sink, eyes staring at nothing. 

Josh's psychiatrist was probably right. This time apart is a good thing. The healthier thing. It's not as dramatic as it feels, Chris is sure. And if Chris wraps himself in the clothes Josh left behind, smelling distinctly of winter and lavender, then no one has to know.


	2. Howling Ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brojobs for fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: there is a bit of nonconsensual touching, also a suggestive scene towards the end. c:

Chris wakes alone in his bed, bathed in a thick darkness. He blinks hazily, vision attempting to adjust, limbs heavy. He's still dressed, covers pulled over his head, glasses askew on his face. Chris releases a breath, slowly drifting back to sleep and he feels it, an incessant buzzing coming from between the folds of the blankets. He sits up slowly, fumbling around for his phone. The white of the screen temporarily blind him, Chris swearing softly in response, eyes squeezing shut.

"Hey." Chris yawns, rubbing an eye with the curve of his hand. "What's up?"

"Cochise!" Josh chirps happily. "Where were you? I called soooo many times."

Chris pinches the bridge of his nose, squinting at his screen for the time. 2:48AM.

"Fuck." He puts the phone back to his ear. "You okay?"

Josh giggles into the receiver. "M' home. So many people around. Keep touchin' me but ah want you touchin' me. Cochise. Miss you."

Chris smiles sleepily. "Miss you too bro."

"Sucks. First night an' I wanna go home. I... I forgot," Josh hiccups. "Forgot to pack your anime club sweatshirt."

"Let's never talk about that, ok?" Chris rolls into his side, phone cradled between his face and the pillow. Josh breathes quietly into the phone.

"Miss you. So happy you're here." Josh whispers, soft pants blowing against the receiver. "Chris. Man, feels soooo good."

Chris cracks an eye open. "Too early for phone sex."

Josh is giggling again. "Nah, bro. I see you. Right 'ere." He moans softly, all static and high. "Fuck, Chris. Fuuuuck."

Chris blinks tiredly, processing Josh's slurred words slowly. He yawns, stretching along the expanse of his bed. There's a murmur in he background, lying underneath Josh's moan; a quiet repetitive whisper that speaks deep into the phone. It sounds like chanting, soft indecipherable words. Chris sits up, straightening his glasses out.

"Someone with you, Josh?"

"Yeah," Josh breathes. "You, man. I dun deserve you. You're too good to me"

"Josh, I'm not-"

"Please, Chris. Please." It's a small whimper, laced thick with fear and Chris is already in his car by the second time Josh moans into the phone, his nerves aflame and there's whispering coming from the other line that isn't Josh at all.

"You sure know how to drive a guy crazy." Josh slurs, giggling softly and he's whimpering again, voice shaky, static crackling into the receiver. "Fuck, Chris, fuuuuuck."

He doesn't bother with his front door, intently listening to the dark voices beneath Josh's. The other's apartment isn't far but the minutes drag like hours. Chris parks sloppily along the curb, hurrying inside Josh's apartment building. He takes the stairs two at a time until he reaches the 3rd floor. Josh is making small chirping noises, that soft whisper cutting off immediately when Chris makes it to the door, cringing when he finds it unlocked.

The kitchen light is on, Josh's door cracked open. Chris moves inside, noting the silence, stepping over knocked down shoes. Cooper is face down on the couch, slumped, mouth open and snoring quietly, legs bent uncomfortably over the arm. Chris hesitates, checking the surrounding area. He checks closets, doors, the fucking patio but finds nothing.

Chris heads into Josh's room, his boyfriend practically fucking into his hand, face buried in his pillows. Chris shuts the door behind him, clicking the lock into place and slumps against it, heart racing in his chest. He wasn't hearing things, he fucking knows he wasn't hearing things. Someone was with Josh, whispering to him, touching him. It makes Chris skin crawl.

"Duuude, where did you go?" Josh rolls over onto his back, legs spread wide and his pants are open. He notices Chris, an excited rumbling coming from his chest and under any other circumstances it'd be welcome. 

"Was anyone here with you?"

"Just you, man." Josh reaches for Chris so he goes, eying the shadows and corners warily. Josh pulls him down for a kiss, mouth hungry and wanting and he's pulling at Chris' shirt.

"Cooper too but then he left and here you are." Chris frowns at that, turning back to look at the locked door. 

"Cooper's sleep, Josh." Chris tells him and Josh shushes him softly, sitting up. He keeps trying to kiss Chris but the other dodges his attempts until he's whining again. 

"Come on, bro. Bone zone waits for no one." Josh purrs, rich and smooth and Chris takes Josh's insisting hands and tucks them to the side, ignoring the quiet whimpers as he slides in beside Josh, fully dressed. 

"Just sleep with me, man." Chris whispers, kissing Josh's temple softly. Josh groans weakly, pushing his head into Chris' shoulder. He breathes out softly, low chittering radiating from his chest and he's asleep in seconds, pressed up against Chris. 

Chris isn't sure how long he stays up, watching the door, watching the window but it's long enough to where his alarm doesn't startle him awake so much as coax him back into watching. Josh is still curled in his side, chest rising up and down in steady breaths. 

Chris leaves him there, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He's never felt more tired, more drained. Chris wonders if what happened last night was just stress getting to him. Josh curls up in his bed when Chris is leaving, face pressed into where he previously lay. Chris locks Josh's bedroom door from the inside, Cooper no longer on the couch. 

Chris drives home, mind fuzzy and blank. He sleeps on the couch for an additional hour before his second alarm has him up again and he wishes he would've stayed. Josh not being there is Chris wandering around an hour before class, brushing his teeth as he watches Grey's Anatomy. It's him listening to The Drums because it seems right to trace back old bands he used to drink to. 

Josh texts him, hungover, with tiny heart emoticons that shouldn't make his heart race but they do.

From: Joshy Boy  
Set an alarm jus fr u  
So hungover b2bed  
Have a good first day  
<3

He makes no mention of last night so Chris just smiles wordlessly, chugging down a bland green smoothie that tastes like its missing something. He doesn't know why he doesn't just go out and buy things he eats but he's been strictly vegetarian out of convenience for a year so it seems pointless to stop now. Plus, animals.

Sam calls him before he leaves for class, voice already shrill and angry and Chris is sure that he doesn't want to know how her conversation with Josh will go.

"He's in an apartment?! Not your apartment but with some dick weed we don't know?" Sam is fuming when he answers, Chris can see her nostrils flaring in his mind.

"His psychiatrist said it'd be good."

Sam scoffs. "His psychiatrist suggested taking him away from a safe, balanced environment and placing him with someone who could be a bad influence."

Chris chuckles, sliding into a pair of Vans. He tucks his phone in between his cheek and shoulder, sliding into a dark windbreaker. 

"Codependency was his reasoning."

Sam pauses, sighing heavily. "Then he could live with one of us. One of us who know how to keep Josh on track. Chris," there's another sigh. "I don't want this to mess up how much progress he made. He doesn't even have fits anymore."

Chris thinks back to Josh's first panic attack and how it transformed into Chris holding him down as he tried to take a bite out of him. Sam was there for the next one, her expression so broken as Josh snarled at her, wild and frantic as Chris shouted.

"We have to trust him, Sam." Chris closes the door behind him, locking it firmly in place. He almost tells her about last night but it seems unreal. "He already feels like he's making a bad decision. I... He wants to be normal. This is normal."

"You're right, Chris." Sam mumbles, tapping the side of her phone. It makes tiny noises into the receiver. 

"It's gonna be ok. Anything gets too bad, we drag his ass home."

"Damn straight." Sam grunts seriously. 

Chris climbs into his car, starting it up as Sam begins talking to someone in the background. It sounds like Ashley. She yells 'hey' into the receiver, voice far away.

"Tell Ash I said hey. I gotta get to class."

"Glad you and Josh finally stopped making out long enough to discuss your future." Sam jokes. "Bye, loser."

"Later, mom."

Sam hangs up with a scoff that leaves Chris smiling. He drives to campus surprisingly cheerful, despite events occurring that make him question his sanity, bobbing his head to the Jukebox the Ghost. Students gather along the sidewalk, waiting for the Walkman symbol. They vary in stages of alertness, a guy dancing among them with large headphones on his ears. 

Chris has a text from Jess when finds a parking spot in one of the garages on the fifth floor.

From: Jessie :p  
Binch, u late  
Buy me coffee  
Plssssssss

Chris rolls his eyes, sliding his headphones into his ears as he calls her. She picks up immediately, chatting excitedly about how she went jogging with Allie, her German shepherd, earlier that morning. Chris wishes he had his life so together.

"I'm in the library. First floor, bitching it up because Em definitely left me to go fuck Mike. I wasn't even invited. What is this? This is not how polyamory works." She's pouting, he can tell by her voice.

Chris punches the button for the elevator.

"I heard Josh got a place. Sam's pretty pissed. You have something to do with this? You guys break up again?!" Jess asks, her voice rising.

Chris doesn't think he could take a second round of 'Adventures of resident bird trash: Josh Washington' without actually fighting someone.

"Aren't you in the library? We did not break up. Doctors orders." Chris slides into the elevator shaft, smiling at a petite girl standing in the corner. She smiles back, dark dreads tied up intricately. 

"Shut up. He could've lived with me! My apartment is amazing and dogs." Jess hums happily. 

"Josh is afraid of dogs." Chris watches the numbers count down. "Remember when he met Benji."

It went disastrously. The large Saint Bernard wanted nothing but to sit in Josh's lap but Josh was absolutely terrified of its size, hiding behind Chris as the dog tried to lick his face. Chris liked Benji, the oversized lapdog. He also liked dogs in general.

"But Benji loves Josh. He slept outside the door the last time you guys stayed over."

"I'll love Benji enough for both of us." Chris let's the girl leave out the elevator first before following behind her. He makes his way out the parking garage, comforted by Jess' incessant talk about her dogs. 

"Are you wearing a dark windbreaker? Man, Chris your pants are tight. Who you tryna impress?" Jess whistles into the receiver.

Chris stops in the middle of the sidewalk, mumbling sorry to the students who steer around him, startled. He looks around frantically, only seeing unfamiliar faces.

"I thought you were in the library? Why are you psychic?

"I was. You took too long."

Chris sees her in the small courtyard across the street from him, waving. She's sitting on a stone bench that lines a large fountain. Chris looks both ways before jaywalking across the street. 

It's almost 58 outside and here Jess is in a pale yellow summer dress with white trim. She smiles brightly at him, hair pulled up messily. Chris tugs out his ear buds when he reaches her. 

"It's cold as shit out here." Chris remarks, noticing the thick cardigan she's wearing.

"Please. I'm in boots, Chris." She holds up a leg as if to show him. "It's always cold and I want to wear this dress ok."

Chris rolls his eyes. "Alright, princess. You ready to go? Class starts in ten minutes."

"Coffee please." Jess blinks her eyes at him, long eyelashes fluttering and Chris is sighing at the counter of the coffee shop in the library, holding a black coffee in one hand as Jess happily sips her frappe. 

"It's not even real coffee." Chris mumbles.

"Quit bitching. Want some?"

"Yes." Chris takes a sip, lips pinching at how sweet it tastes. Jess giggles. 

He's glad his first class, Art History II, is with her. It may last two hours but Jess is attentive and talkative enough that it goes by with a decent discussion settled in the room on the advancements in early African Art.

Matt is waiting outside their lecture hall when class finishes up, tired but smiling when he sees them. He doesn't wear his letterman jacket anymore, not since the mountain so instead he's in a leather jacket Chris recognizes as Mike's.

"Baby!" Jess greets happily, taking the other boys hand. 

"How was class?" Matt asks sleepily.

"Your girlfriend is a genius." Chris announces and Matt nods as if he already knew.

"Everyone I'm dating is smarter than me." Matt admits, smiling. "But at least I'm pretty."

"You sure are, ya hunk." Jess rubs his cheek.

Chris gags. "I'm gonna go."

"Better idea. We should bone rush Josh's apartment. A big ole surprise." Matt suggests and Chris knew he always liked him.

"His roommates weird so this is a good plan. Show him he can't steal our boy." Chris agrees.

"Jealous, Chris?" Jess laughs, only laughing harder at when she sees Chris' miserable expression. He's not jealous but Chris is concerned; concerned because what happened, what he heard wasn't normal. Chris decides to tell everyone if it ever happens again.

"Fine. When's his last class?"

"He only has one today. At 2:30. It's an hour and a half." Chris supplies helpfully. 

"So we're in his apartment at 3pm." Jess links their arms together. "Until then, skip class, buy alcohol. Watch us make eyes at each other." She winks at Matt when Chris groans.

Jess drags them around campus to various liquor stores, using her debit card to buy various drinks and Chris wonders how smashed they all plan on getting. Josh's apartment wasn't meant to accommodate 8 drunks. He thinks of Cooper's smug smile, frowning- thinks of the way Josh whimpered into the receiver drunk and terrified. Chris clenches his fist.

"No frowns. Only alcohol." Jess tells him.

He gets a message from Josh when they're near his apartment.

From: Joshy Boy  
Class is boring as fuck  
I took my meds.  
Love me.

From: Brohan  
Always.

Josh's response is immediate.

From: Joshy Boy  
Gay! <3

Chris smiles at his phone, looking up to see Mike waiting near Josh's apartment building. He looks vaguely intimidating, staring deeply into the distance. Mike sees them, face lighting up, all wide eyed and doe like.

"Hey! I brought snacks." Mike gestures to the large bag he's holding. "Em had class so she can't come."

"More like won't come." Jess pouts. "Our ice queen is ever the genius." 

The three share a glance that suggests that they wouldn't have it any other way and Chris wonders if he looks at Josh the same way. They use Josh's spare key, designated Chris' key, to get into the apartment. Cooper isn't home but his door is locked tight. Jess sets up cups and alcohol as Mike and Matt bicker over whose calling Sam. Chris does it instead, earning a grateful look from Jess.

Sam shows up with boxes of bags labelled bird feed. She explains its actually trail mix when Chris doubles over in laughter. Josh arrives when they're all tucked away in different corners of the room, primed in wait, talking rapidly about his class with someone. Based on the voice it's Cooper. Chris doesn't frown, instead he jumps out with the others, arms waving and cheering as Josh jumps, covering his face in exasperated laughter.

"Fuck! You scared the shit out of me." Josh coughs, hands on his knees. He's in one of Chris' button ups, a dark tank top underneath. Cooper stands beside him, appearing out of place, almost angry but Chris blinks and it's gone, replaced by that same friendly smile.

"Um, this is Cooper, my roommate." Josh introduces awkwardly, looking far too pleased. 

"I'm Jess!" Jess waves from the kitchen, Mike standing beside her. Mike eyes Cooper hard, amused when the other squirms under the intense gaze. Jess slaps his arm.

"Mike." He says simply.

"I'm Sam." She gives a half hearted salute from the couch, a plastic cup already in her hands. Matt lifts a hand from Josh's doorway.

"Matt."

"His lovely boyfriend, who you've met." Jess gestures to Chris and Josh blushes cutely. "This is a house warming for our darling boy who didn't bother to have one of his own."

"A christening." Matt adds on.

"Oh shit, I like that!" Sam claps happily. She looks at Cooper, face blank even when she smiles. "You can join us. Just a bunch of drunks getting drunk. Crashing the place."

Chris sees it again, that carefully concealed annoyance, the forced smile and he watches Cooper decline her invitation with an excuse, watches Josh smile apologetically at him when he turns to his room.

"You're a bunch of assholes."

"Sam brought you trail mix." Jess tells him.

"I forgive you." Josh quickly amends, reaching into the box Sam left on the counter. If anyone hears his excited chirp, no one comments. 

"We won't be too loud but I definitely brought twister." Mike takes the game out of his large bag. "And gummy worms."

"My man, Munroe." Josh gestures dramatically to him and Mike waves it off, bashful. 

They make vodka gummy worms in Josh's sink, using a random pitcher from the cabinet, Matt suggesting they watch the first Harry Potter only taking shots when Harry's scar is mentioned or someone says his name shocked. The weak are divided from the strong within the first thirty minutes as Jess sings happily into Sam's shoulder who seems unfazed much like Chris and Josh. Everyone ignores Mike and Matt, who are making out in the corner of Josh's room.

"Shots every time Malfoy uses grease." Sam suggests and twenty minutes later it's Chris whose leaning against Josh and giggling as the last two try to drink the other under the table. Jess wobbles off to get the gummy worms, returning with a mouthful and she's talking incoherently. Mike pulls her over to the corner after she hands Sam the pitcher. 

"If I knew this was going to turn into an orgy I would've talked Ashley into coming." Sam mumbles, eating a handful of worms.

Josh angles his head to look at her. "Why didn't she?"

"Exercise."

Sam winks and if that's not cryptic Chris isn't sure what is. He laughs a few minutes late, Sam rolling her eyes fondly as she watches what's left of the movie, eyelids drooping. She's slouched beside Josh, whose leaning against his bed. Chris on his side. Soft giggles come from the corner of the room, other suggestive noises as well that Chris ignores.

"Sam's asleep." Josh whispers to him, a dopey smile on his face. It makes Chris' heart speed up. Josh's eyes are locked on his lips, pupils thin and he's leaning in, a hand on Chris' shoulder. Chris is wedged against the bed frame, hands guiding Josh into his lap. 

"You're pants are so tight, bro." Chris dips his head, pushing back the strap of Josh's tank top, fingers sliding along the tight denim. He sinks his teeth into the dip in Josh's collarbone, sucking the skin roughly and Josh pulls at his hair, moaning breathlessly. 

"Wore 'em for you." Josh whispers, nails digging into Chris' shoulder when he leaves more dark bites. "Still want that blow job?"

"Fuck, fuck yes." Chris kisses him again, the room spinning and Josh is sinking down in front of him, smile devilish as he unbuttons Chris' jeans. Josh takes Chris into his mouth soundlessly, Chris tangling his hands in Josh's hair and he's so glad Sam is asleep. He turns to look at her, the room blurring before it settles and Sam is on her side, face tucked into her arm. Josh runs his tongue along the side of his dick, making a small click in the back of his throat.

"Eyes on me, Cochise." Chris obeys, meeting Josh's dark eyes, lips stretched and full and easily one of the hottest things he's ever seen. Chris bites down on his bottom lip, swallowing down a moan.

He realizes they didn't even close the door to Josh's bedroom, his senses pointing out someone watching, eyes dragging away from Josh to the door where a shadow is moving away. Chris almost comments, almost says something but Jess moans from somewhere behind them, his dick enveloped in the warmth of Josh's mouth and he's distracted again.


	3. Halcyon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> runnin' through the six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: at the end is a mildly graphic sex scene c:
> 
> Also antlers are in this year

It's been five days, five days of nonstop touching and it's not like Chris isn't grateful that his friends want to take care of him and be with him, he is, but the second day Ashley brings him a casserole he wants to scream.

He's not incapable of cooking or taking care of himself. He gives Josh a reasonable amount of space considering they're dating and he doesn't even bring up the fact that Cooper takes way too many pictures with him when they actually do talk. 

Instead, he joins a kickboxing class, channels all his unnecessary angst into a small ball and punches the shit out of it. It works, he feels better, sometimes. Other times he ends up at Mike's apartment, lazying around on the couch while Emily cooks in the kitchen. It's nice, having friends, but he misses Josh.

"Just go see him, dumbass." Emily hands him a bowl of noodles down in front of him. It's beautifully decorated with long pieces of fried shrimp and vegetables. She takes a seat across from him at the table.

"I don't want to be clingy." Chris mumbles, spooning some of the broth into his mouth. "This is good."

Emily rolls her eyes. "Duh. Anyway. I'm sure Josh misses you. A lot. He keeps posting on snapchat." 

She tugs her phone out of her bra, pressing a leg against the table. Emily's thumb shifts across her screen until handing it to Chris, who takes it quickly. It's a 30 second story of Josh pouting in various locations, there's an open faced frown with a small line that says 'why doesn't my boyfriend love me'. Chris looks up at Emily, earning an eyebrow raise.

"See?"

Chris hands her back her phone, pulling out his own.

From: Brohan  
Wanna hang out?

The (...) icon comes up before Chris can even send the message.

From: Joshy Boy  
You're psychic I swear.  
Come seeeeee me bitch

From: Brohan  
You sound like Jess

From: Joshy Boy  
:side eye emoticon:  
I will physically fight you.  
My bed is nice.

From: Brohan  
Your mouth is nice  
@ Ems, come afterward

From: Joshy Boy  
Oh you most definitely will ;)  
Hurry b4 I fall asleep

"You guys are sick. Worse than Jess, completely worse." Chris startles, not even realizing that Emily was standing beside him, bent over his shoulder as she eats quietly. She snorts at Chris' embarrassment, his cheeks burning. Emily returns to her seat at the table, crop top sleeve falling off her shoulder.

"I heard about his roommate. Cooper. Pretty sure I have a class with him." Emily tells him, setting her bowl down on the table.

"Attractive? Shaved head? Creepy stare?"

"Strong jaw, dresses like he works at JC Penney, sociopath? Yes." 

"What class is it?"

"An elective course in Native American culture." Emily tells him, her expression curious. "Interesting that Josh is his roommate. Our ex-wendigo resident bird man."

Chris ponders over her words, mind reeling and he almost tells her about what he heard, almost does but the door to Mike's apartment is opening, a flood of voices coming through. Emily sighs.

"We can talk later." 

"Okay."

Jess appears first, in another damn summer dress that's colored pink. Mike is after, a box of pastries in his hands. Matt comes last, looking more tired than the last time he's seen him. They all seem to notice him at once.

"Chris! We have cakes for Josh but you're here so you gotta take 'em." Jess is taking the box from Mike's hand who is most definitely trying not to blush.

"I made them."

"That's really cool, bro. I can't make shit." Chris peers into the box in awe. The small opening at the top allows him to see three small cakes, a pale yellow layered in a thin stream of dark chocolate. He whistles.

"See, babe. We dig the cakes." Matt's voice comes from behind him.

Emily gives Mike a rare smile before her expression closed off again, focusing on Chris. He hears the others shuffle off into another part of the apartment while Matt lingers in the kitchen.

"Do you have class at 3 tomorrow?"

"Just a tech class." Chris answers, looking back up at her.

"Come with me tomorrow and we can observe."

Chris already knows what she's referring to. He nods without really answering and she stands up slowly, pointing at the bowl in front of him.

"I only cook for jackasses. Eat up." 

Matt takes her seat when she leaves, grabbing her hand gently. They exchange a look and Emily disappears down the hall. 

"You look tired, man." Chris states, eating one of the crispy pieces of shrimp.

"I am. I've been helping the girls study and Mike clean at the shop." Matt slumps down in his seat, hand behind his head. "I'm so tired but I love them. You do exhausting things for people you love."

Chris understands, mind flickering back to the first couple of nights Josh stayed over. He still has the bite in his shoulder from one of Josh's nightmares. "How's class?"

"I'm taking one course, so pretty good. Bit of a small break. My coach is pretty understanding of my traumatic life events that occurred. When I'm ready, he wants me back."

"Must be nice to be good at something." Chris jokes and Matt laughs deep in his throat.

"Well I mean look at you, man. You helped Josh. You helped him a lot. I... I remember when Mike first came by after everything and I didn't want to see him, I didn't want to see anybody." Matt swallows. "Chris, we survived the most terrifying experience that any of us will ever face. Josh might have stumbled a bit but he's here too. It's hard being there for someone whose sick, who doesn't want to be helped but it's people like you that make trying worth it."

Chris stares at him, mouth open around a noodle and Matt chuckles, leaning against the table. He folds his arms underneath him, lying his head down. "Stop staring, man."

"Sorry, dude. I'm overcome with emotion." Chris tells him and Matt's shoulders shake when he laughs.

"Sleepin' on the table again?" Mikes voice startles Chris, the other man coming into his line of vision. He rubs Matt's arm soothingly, giving Chris a toothy smile.

"You see Josh's snaps?"

"Am I the only one here without snapchat?"

Matt looks up long enough for Chris to realize that he is indeed the only one. Chris downloads the app, while he eats, Mike sitting next to him at the table. Matt murmurs something, head still in his arms.

"He asleep?"

"He's asleep." Mike confirms. "How are you doing?" 

"Coping. It's weird." Chris admits, spooning what's left of the soup in his mouth. 

"Yeah it is. I feel what you feel times 3. It's awful." Mike rests his chin in his hand, staring fondly down at Matt's sleeping form. "I made a lot of cakes before decided those would be good enough. Completely devoid of bird bits, proper feed for our bird man."

"This nickname has really caught on."

Mike smirks. "I've heard Josh chirp more than I've heard him talk in the past few weeks. Also I've uh, seen some things that have burned into my memory despite how drunk I thought I was."

Chris snaps his head to Mike, the knowing look causes his face to heat up.

"Oh my god."

"Your boy can take a mouthful. Didn't know you were packin', man." Mike says, his smirk spreading into a seedy grin. 

Chris covers his face with his hands. "Oh my goooood."

"Chill, man. Just between you, me and Washington. Think he saw bits of Jess that he wasn't supposed to but that's what happens when you're all messing around in the same room."

"At least Sam didn't see."

Mike pales. "Oh my god, she was there."

"The things she would've said." 

They share a horrified look before falling into nervous laughter. Chris stays until late in the evening, Jess' designated seat, and he misses the nights where they'd all pile into his apartment to watch shitty creature features. Jess doesn't cry anymore when someone dies, she laughs now at the bad cgi and the acting. They're fine, they're fine.

They all walk him out; Emily, Matt, Mike and Jess and wait until he's firmly locked away in his car and driving before they disappear back into Mike's apartment. Technically he could walk to Josh's apartment from Mike's but it'd take an hour and no one has time for that.

Josh answers the door sleepily when he shows up, dressed only in a large grey shirt and boxers. He grabs Chris' hand and pulls him inside, giving Cooper, whose in the kitchen, a small wave as they pass. Chris sets the cakes on the counter, Josh's grip insisting. 

"How was class?" Josh inquires when they're in his room, tugging his blanket out from under the bed. 

"'s okay. You're asleep early." Chris shuts the door behind him, hanging his windbreaker on the door knob.

"Talked with Alfie. He said the change could be tiring me out. Socializing is hard." Josh says softly, slipping into his bed. He pulls the blanket over him, eyes sliding closed only when Chris joins him. 

"Still sleeping on the floor?" Chris studies the dark circles under Josh's eyes. 

"Yeah." Josh murmurs, pressing into Chris' side. They fit together easily, Josh propped up on Chris' arm, head tucked into the side of his neck as Chris wraps around him. 

"You okay?"

Josh shakes his head. "Had a nightmare. 'm okay. You're here. Don't leave."

"I won't. What about?"

"Hannah. She was dragging me into the mines and she left me somewhere deep inside its core. Like a fucking nest. She was trying to feed me." Josh pauses, throat working rapidly. "She kept trying and she'd get angry. Eventually I ate and I was... I was a monster again and I was..."

Chris shushes Josh, wrapping his arms around him as Josh croaks out a small cry. 

"It's okay. You're here. All chirpy and hot and Mike made you cakes."

"Fuck yes." Josh cocks his fist back, laughing, cheeks wet. "Can I eat 'em?"

"Yeah. Did you eat with your last dose?"

Josh looks up at the ceiling, mouth closed in thought and he nods, turning to Chris.

"Had pizza."

"Nice.No bird bits?"

"Shut up, man." Josh sits up, running a hand through his messy hair. 

"I'll go get the cakes. And water." Chris tells him, halfway to the door.

"Such a nice guy. I don't deserve you." Josh grins, wide and crooked and Chris absolutely does not blush. Josh slides out of bed, wandering into the conjoined bathroom as he scratches his shoulder.

Cooper is still in the kitchen, hawk like eyes focusing in on Chris when the door opens. Chris wonders if he knows how creepy he's being, regardless of how attractive he actually is. 

"'Sup, man." Chris greets casually, easing past him. He takes a glass from the cabinet, filling it up at the sink.

"Still hungover." Cooper admits, eyes turning to a pot of boiling past, smile easy. "I'm surprised Josh could even answer the door. He was knocked out when I got home."

"My boy has the sleeping habits of a cat." Chris smirks, taking a sip from the glass.

Cooper folds his arms over his chest, leaning against the counter, gaze curious. "You guys know each other long?"

"Since 3rd grade. We were both little shits I don't know how our parents survived."

Cooper laughs. "I never had a best friend growing up so I don't know what that's like. You guys seem pretty close so it all makes sense."

Chris considers reminding him that they're dating but decides against it. Cooper doesn't seem like a bad guy, his weird staring problem and all. He seems social, easy to get along with but Chris still feels wary. Plus if Emily is suspicious of anyone, they probably aren't good for anyone's health. 

Chris takes the pastry box by the handles, raising the water glass as he leaves.

"I was gonna watch a movie later if you guys wanted to join." Cooper announces, voice high.

Chris pauses at the door. "I'll see what he says."

Josh is back on the bed, sitting at the edge, legs folded underneath him. He turns to Chris, phone in hand and Chris pouts when he hears the camera shutter.

"Mike sent the cutest delivery boy." Josh brings the phone down, typing rapidly. "I talked to my dad today. He's going to be back in the country in two weeks. Haven't seen him since I got discharged."

"Doesn't your dad have a snapchat?" Chris sets the box down on the bed, handing Josh a glass of water.

"That's why I got one. He snaps sets and costume designs he uses. We used to skype a lot but ya know." Josh smiles, taking the glass. He drinks it down in three large gulps.

"Mike saw you the other night."

"Yeah, I know. Put on a show for him, lucky bastard. You make some pretty hot noises, my friend." Josh pats the spot beside him.

Chris joins him, chin resting on Josh's shoulder. He watches Josh thumb through stories on snapchat. One of them is Jess and Emily who are making ugly faces at the camera. Underneath is a thin line that reads 'you guys are gross.'

"We're cute." Chris corrects.

"Absolutely, bro." Josh agrees.

"Wanna make out?"

Josh bursts out laughing, turning to press their lips together. His phone clatters to the floor, ignored, and Josh climbs on top of him, mouths moving in sync. Chris let's himself be pushed down on the bed, enjoying in the tiny static noises Josh makes.

"Your roommate wanted to watch a movie."

Josh hums in acknowledgment, head slowly turning to look up at him. He gives Chris a small smile, arms folding under his chin as he settles on Chris' chest, purring.

"Is this you being supportive?"

"Can you tell?" Chris chuckles, smoothing Josh's hair back. "He wants in your pants and here I am suggesting we watch the movie with him."

"I want in your pants." Josh remarks, tucking his face into his arms. "He just wants a friend. He's lonely. Like me."

"You have friends, Josh, and me." Chris reminds him but Josh doesn't appear to be listening, face tilting to the side and he's staring out his bedroom window, dark eyes glassy. 

"You know how lonely I was on that mountain? So lonely, I thought I was going to die again. Not even another supernatural fuck up to hide from. Just me and my hallucinations. Even they couldn't seem to keep up when everyday felt the same, looked the same. I was all alone, Chris. Sometimes it feels like it will never leave and it makes my chest ache. I just... I feel so empty." Josh looks back at him, a humorless smile in place. "I can't stop it. I want to. I want to so bad, but it's all I have. It's all I am, Chris."

They hadn't talked about the mountain in months, but Josh would still wake Chris up with his nightmares and he'd remember being transformed, remember taking down two members of the first search team; eating them slow, pulsing and alive. 

"That's not true." Chris sits up, keeping a firm arm around Josh as he moves. He presses Josh against the head board, pillows spreading out like something out of an old painting. Chris isn't even sure what to say, how to comfort when all he wants is to keep Josh close and safe until he suffocates. 

"This feeling will pass." Chris tells him, settling between the other's legs. He doesn't think he's even met the mark Josh had set but Josh gives him a lazy smile anyway, pulling Chris down by the sleeve of his shirt. 

"Distract me, man."

Eventually, Chris will have to get it right, will have to be standing with an answer, ready and wanting and it will have to be the answer Josh wants. It's desperation that makes him hold Josh close, desperation that lines his insides with fire because it could all be gone, it could all disappear. Chris doesn't know what Josh needs, how he can help when he's barely able to keep himself together. 

And when he looks at Josh, taking in the narrowed slits of his pupils, the low whimpers that dig down his spine; he doesn't know if he's what Josh could possibly be happy with or if this is all just a grab for the life that was snatched from them by angry mountain spirits. He wonders if this constant, bitter fear is because he's in love. 

"You're thinking too much."

Chris has Josh against the headboard, three fingers knuckle deep inside of him, tiny wrists held in between other hand and he realizes he's frowning. Josh kisses his mouth softly, body drumming underneath Chris' hand. 

"Please. Stop. Thinking." 

Chris obeys.


	4. Bottomless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's more convenient than folklore classes when you have a ex wendigo for a boyfriend?
> 
> Nothin'

Emily is waiting for him outside the science center, hair thick with waves, dressed heavily in layers because it's 40 degrees out. She still manages to pull off layers better than him, each garment complimenting the other. Chris just pulls on shirts and sweaters that have the same length of sleeve. 

Chris raises his hand in greeting, a yawn working its way through his throat. He walked Josh to class with Cooper this morning, more than annoyed when he could barely get a word in on the conversation. He made a joke about being a trophy boyfriend and Josh became so irritated that Chris left without really saying goodbye. If he hung out in the library with Matt for a couple of hours after, moping, he's pretty sure Matt will keep his secret.

"You're early." Emily notes, nodding in approval.

"I'm here, I'm queer." 

She raises an eyebrow at him. "Ok. Let's go, bi boy." 

He can hear the smile on her voice despite no muscles in her face moving. There are a lot of things now that he notices about her that he didn't before, like how she actually has a favorite color and that she wasn't a very expressing person on the outside anymore. Chris follows her closely down the sidewalk, watching in awe as students on the sidewalk part for around her. 

"Are you magic?" Chris whispers, nearly stumbling over a young man who tries to stare at her ass when she walks by.

"The worst kind." 

Chris huffs, smiling quietly. They end up in front of a building he doesn't recognize; its older made of red brick and stone. Emily makes her way up the stairs, Chris behind her. The doors slide open automatically.

"Nice upgrade."

"The original doors were too heavy. A girl almost lost some fingers so they replaced them." Emily muses. "I liked them a lot. Only part of this uppity campus that wasn't upgraded."

"Is that the real reason you're taking this elective?" 

"I'm taking it because of Hannah." Emily replies, not looking at him, hands tucked into her jacket. She flips her hair, the scent of flowers and light cologne filling the air. 

"I've done some shit things." She says quietly. "Things I can't be forgiven for. But I'm glad Josh made it through okay. As okay as can be expected. I mean, I wouldn't want to be the reason the last Washington child didn't make it back. For a while we were. The press wanted us to be."

The Washington's kept Josh's recovery and search under wraps despite how adamant followers of Bob Washington were. They never signed a death certificate though even when they figured out what their daughters' fates were.

"He's here now."

"And we'll keep him safe." Emily states with a conviction Chris only hopes he matches. They trudge through groups of waiting college kids, take two flights of stairs until Emily pauses in front of a room that reads 'Okeke'.

"Your professor so great he gets his own classroom?"

"Yes." Emily states simply, tossing her hair over her shoulder. "He's very different."

The classroom is quiet, a couple of students already in designated seats thumbing through textbooks. A girl in the corner looks up as they enter and Emily nods at her when she gives them a small smile. Chris trails after Emily, who climbs the short steps to the back of the classroom, sliding into a seat two spaces away from the girl.

"You've brought a guest." The girl asks, her accent thick like slow honey.

"Chris. This is Mikyla. My tutor." Emily pats the chair next to him as if she didn't just drop shocking news.

"You have a tutor?" Chris asks, louder than expected. A student in the front row looks back at him. He raises a hand, mouthing an apology as he sits down. Emily rolls her eyes.

"I can't learn Russian and Swahili and study pigeon languages without some help. Jesus, Chris, I'm a human not a robot."

Chris stares at her, mouth open wide. "Swahili?"

Emily fixes him with a glare so intense his voice box plummets into his stomach and his jaw clicks shut with a small noise. Mikyla giggles from the corner, tossing her thick curly hair over her shoulder as she bends back over the book she's reading. Her nose wrinkles up and it reminds Chris of Josh. Emily taps away on her phone so Chris pulls out his, a bit alarmed to see four unread messages.

From: Joshy Boy  
Are you still upset?  
I wasn't trying to exclude you.

From: Joshy Boy  
Chris?

From: Joshy Boy  
I'm sorry...

From: The Rock Dwayne Johnson  
If you don't text Josh back so help me  
I will END you

Sometimes Chris forgets why Sam is so terrifying. He sighs, moving to text Josh back when a group of students flood inside. They crowd into the rows in front of them, bags clanging against the tables and a tall man walks in, tall and lean with a bright blue blouse that compliments his dark skin well. He moves to sit behind the elongated metal desk at the front.

Chris sets down his phone, tilting back in his seat as he scans the faces that flood inside. The teacher, Okeke, flips on the projector. It flickers quietly against the white board. Okeke tugs down a screen with a level of elegance Chris has never seen in the classroom.

"He's not here today. Pity." Emily clicks her tongue.

"Convenient." Chris mumbles.

"Hopefully he's not boning your boyfriend."

Chris looks at her. "Why would you say something like that?"

"Because it's fun. Seeing you all worked up. It's cute. How much you like him." Her cheek twitches slightly and Chris recognizes the apology when he sees it. Emily had gotten better, way better in the past year. But she was still pretty vicious at times.

"Shut up."

Emily places a hand on his arm and gives it a small squeeze.

"For reasons otherwise unspecified I've decided to hold off on the quiz today." Okeke announces, smiling sheepishly. His accent sounds like Mikyla's. A few relieved sighs fill the room. 

"In other news, according to the syllabus we are touching on Algonquian peoples today, specifically their legends and tales as this is a folklore course. I keep being under the impression that you all did not read the syllabus considering the lengthy emails I get about how there is too much, what is the word, 'unreal' elements to the class."

Emily nudges Chris in the arm. It clicks together, why Emily wanted him to come today but it also didn't make sense that Cooper wouldn't be here. Chris folds his arms over his chest.

"You'd be surprised how many of the things we refuse to believe are real or at one point are just a simpler, nicer version of what inspired it." Okeke presses the tips of his fingers together, mouth ponderous. 

"Now. Who would like to begin?"

Emily hand shoots up so fast Chris startles beside her. Okeke raises an eyebrow, gesturing to her enthusiastically. 

"Ms. Go?"

"Could we talk about wendigos? It's winter. Famine, starvation. Perfect time to talk about a monster born from the world's less talked about taboo."

Okeke beams, smiling wide. "It's nice to know someone understands why I decided to wait later in the semester for Algonquian cultures. When I taught at New York University, everyone seemed to be obsessed over serial killers, specifically the cannibals. Given the choice, most people wouldn't eat their fellow man. However,"

Okeke clicks a PowerPoint on his computer, screen blacking out before a spread of pictures comes onto the white screen. Chris tenses, the images are of wendigos, hand drawn, some paintings or digital creations, some with stag like horns and a bulls mouth. His skin crawls, focusing on the image of a gangly white creature, mouth open around a villager's neck. It reminds him of Hannah.

"Some will. When you're down to the last can of food with no sign of being saved, your best friend might become a turkey dinner. Now, the certain groups of this culture felt that such a taboo would bring about this spirit. A malevolent force driven by hunger and greed and it would possess the body of the person who committed the act, turning them into a monster." Okeke clicks to the next slide. It's of an old drawing, scratched into animal skin. 

"Wendigos are never satisfied. They will kill and eat and remain forever hungry."

"Can it be reverted? It's similar to a demon, yes?" Mikyla pipes up from the other side of Emily.

"I imagine so. There have been a manner of 'exorcisms' done throughout history but most are inconclusive or end in death." Okeke leans against his desk, arms spread out. 

"You said inconclusive. Does that mean it can come back?" Chris speaks up, a couple of heads turning. Okeke straightens, hands behind his back.

"I imagine, like any foul thing, it can. But you'd have to succumb first." 

Chris swallows thickly, staring down into his lap. They weren't on the mountain, they were far, far away from it so maybe Josh would be okay, he would be okay. Chris nods his head as if convinced but his hands are balled into fists on his thighs and he feels so tired.

Emily takes one of his hands, finger cold and stubby. "We're eight hours away. Eight hours, Chris."

But eight hours didn't feel far enough when he actually sat and thought about it. Eight hours in a day was long, eight hours of sleep was long but it didn't feel like enough in regards to distance.

They linger behind, a couple of students discussing thunderbirds and the Cree with Okeke. Mikyla touches Emily's shoulder as she leaves, smiling at Chris before disappearing out the door. Emily has a hand pressed into the small of his back. It's the closest thing to reassurance he has. Okeke turns to them, eyes crinkling into a smile and he shuts off his PowerPoint.

"This is the first time you've joined the discussion, Ms. Go." He says, giving Chris a once over.

"Sudden inspiration."

"You are a good influence. She writes beautiful essays but never shares her thoughts in class." Okeke shakes his head, sullenly. 

"Cannibalism really gets a girl thinking." Emily snorts. "Professor. In regards to wendigos and the legend, the spirit has a home I assume. A place where it stays and the farther away you get, the less influence?"

Okeke leans against the desk, arms crossed and nods thoughtfully. "Most spirits no matter how powerful are usually bound in place where its influence is stronger. A curse usually associates with a person, a place or a generation. Lifting it isn't usually easy. Sometimes the farther you go, the curse will follow."

"What if it's a mountain that's cursed?" Chris asks.

Okeke strokes his chin. "I'd say get off the mountain. What is this about?"

"It's for my dissertation." Chris lies. "I'm writing on cultural influences and the effects of superstitions have on today's generation."

Emily doesn't look at him but he can feel her mood shift. 

"I see." Okeke smiles, broad and white. "I hope my lecture was able to help."

"It did." Emily states.

"Thank you, professor." Chris says as they leave and Okeke waves before turning back to his papers on the desk. Emily walks ahead of him, hand wrapped around the handle of her large tote bag. 

"We need to keep an eye on him." 

Emily glances over her shoulder at him. "It has no influence here. We are too far. But we need to be careful."

"Should we tell him? Can you put a spirit in a box and leave it around campus?"

Emily shrugs. "He'll think we're trying to control him. Baby him. Your boyfriend is pretty stupid sometimes. And stubborn. He already thinks we're all too protective."

Chris nods in agreement, sighing heavily, remembering the last time Josh found him smothering. They walk downstairs in silence, Emily tapping away on her phone. Chris pauses at the last step, biting his lower lip.

"I could tell his parents."

Emily spins around on her heel. "You do that and he definitely won't talk to any of us anymore."

"But he'll be safe."

"If that's what Cooper is even up to he will be. But if it's not, we just have a very annoyed, very angry Josh Washington."

"Em, I'm pretty sure whatever Cooper wants from Josh is more than a fuck."

Emily narrows her eyes at him. "What are you not telling me?"

Chris licks his lips, flapping his pockets out. "I heard something the other night. On Josh's first night. It.. It sounded like chanting."

"Are you sure? Are you positive it wasn't some drunken frat boys?"

"Yes." Chris hisses, brow arching into a frown. "Josh said he saw me and I was at home, Emily. He said I was touching him and someone was chanting and touching my fucking boyfriend."

Emily straightens, grip tight around her tote bag. Her knuckles are white, eyes frantically searching Chris' face.

"He was drunk. Really, really drunk but he was scared. Scared of something."

"Okay. Okay....Keep them apart for a few days. Take Josh home. He already thinks you're pissed at him. Make up an excuse."

"How do you know that?" Chris sighs.

Emily waves her phone. "Snapchat. Duh."

"Fine. I'll take him home, then what? We wait? Make him request a roommate change?"

"I'll think of something. I'll talk to the others. You're on boyfriend duty." Emily points a finger at him before she struts off with a hair flip. Chris runs a hand down his face, wincing when he smudges his glasses. 

He calls Josh on his way out the building, the line ringing twice before Josh answers.

"Hey." He answers quietly.

"Wanna see a movie with me?"

There's a pause, the faint noise of a car honking. "Yeah sure. Tonight? What movie?"

"I don't know." Chris pinches the bridge of his nose. "Anything. Whatever."

"You sound upset, man."

Chris was upset but not at him. "It's not big deal. Where are you?"

"Heading to meet Coop at the dorm. Said he slept through his alarms."

"Of course." Chris mutters and Josh makes a noise on the other line. "Do you have to walk with him? Or can I steal you?"

Josh snickers. "You make it seem like he's my boyfriend and you're the roommate."

Chris can feel his eyebrows slide up on his head, the beginnings of a headache forming against his temple.

"Okay, Chris. Fine. Where are you?"

Chris looks at the marble sign on the side of the door. "Frishi Hall."

"Be there in six." The line goes dead and Chris stands near the curb, hands in his pockets as he tries to think ways to keep Josh from going back tonight. He could ask him to stay but it didn't feel as easy as it should be. Chris could pull the jealous boyfriend card. He sighs heavily, mulling over ideas.

"You've been sighing a lot lately." Josh's voice startles him, so bad he nearly falls into the road. Chris faces him, cheeks red and mouth pinched and Josh laughs, running a hand along the zipper of Chris' coat.

"Sorry, man." He takes in Chris' expression, the smile fading from his lips. "Are you okay?"

"No." Chris admits. "I've been.... anxious. I'm having nightmares again."

It wasn't exactly a lie because Chris did have nightmares, frequently, sometimes they were so bad he'd wake up strangling his pillow. He's considered going to therapy, considered for a year and a half but his problems just didn't seem as important. 

"Oh, dude. I'm sorry. I can stay for a couple of days if you want." Josh reaches for his hand, a worried expression fluttering over his features. Chris can see the dulled points of Josh's teeth as his mouth twists into a frown, scar smoothing out as his face curves to the side.

"I don't know what I can do to help. But I can stay. If it's okay?"

"That'd be great."


	5. Fat Stacks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vegan food porn

Josh was back.

In his apartment. Specifically in his apartment sleeping but otherwise occupying the space in Chris' bed that's usually empty. Chris watches him sleep for a solid thirty minutes, each ticking second a slow drag that is slowly morphing into a certain level of creepiness Chris didn't think he'd ever achieve. Emily said to watch Josh and dammit, he will.

But Josh was not only in his apartment, he was in his apartment, sleeping soundly, shirt hiked up over his stomach revealing parts of silvery scars and fading bruises courtesy of yours truly. Josh rolls onto his side, face pressing into Chris' chest and he sniffs once in his sleep before his body begins vibrating softly, burying his face more into Chris' shirt. Josh is purring, fucking purring and completely oblivious to the fact that Chris has been staring at him for half an hour. 

It's been a week of Josh being in his apartment and already Chris has plummeted past any level of self preservation he had. Josh's alarm startles the hell out of him, heart racing and he definitely almost elbows Josh in the face- Josh, who is rolling onto his back again, murmuring sleepily as he fumbles for his phone. It clatters to the floor noisily and Josh groans.

Chris watches the entire thing, watches Josh bend over the side of the bed in search of the phone that keeps ringing. When he finds it, the room falls silent and Chris reaches out to touch the back of his calf. Josh startles, hisses and promptly falls off the bed with a thud.

"Oops." Chris mumbles, crawling along his bed to look over the edge.

Josh glares at up at him, rubbing the back of his head. Chris grins sheepishly. 

"You have to announce yourself, Chris. We talked about this." Josh mumbles grumpily, rising to his feet. He reaches for his pill case on the nightstand, pressing it open easily. Chris' gaze follows Josh's hand, sliding down to his neck when he swallows three pills down.

"Cochise."

Chris makes a noise.

"You're being a dork. I'm not that attractive please stop staring at me."

Chris' eyes flicker up to him. He frowns. "What? You are. Shut up, Josh."

"Regardless. Staring. Creepy. Stop."

"Oh so you admit you're attractive?"

Josh sighs, mouth tugging into a smile. He climbs back on the bed, wordlessly resting against Chris' headboard. Without warning Josh pops him on the forehead. Chris grunts in surprise, eyes blinking rapidly as a hand reaches up to touch the spot.

"God, you scare worse than I do."

"Didn't know the great Josh Washington was scared of anything."

Josh smirks, unlocking his phone. "I'm scared of a lot of things."

"Yeah, like what? Lay it on me, bro."

Josh scrolls on his phone for a second before sitting up straight. He doesn't say anything, scar twitching as his mouth curve to one side. Chris lies on his back, hands tucked behind his head.

"I don't like enclosed spaces."

Chris eyes slide closed, Josh's foot pressed against his thigh.

"I'm scared of dark, wet places and shallow water."

Josh places a hand on Chris' head, fingers warm, sliding a dry palm down his face. He squeezes Chris' left cheek.

"I'm scared of being alone. Of dying somewhere dark and cold. That maybe my nightmares are real and this is a really good dream."

Chris cracks an eye open to look at him. Josh is turned away, hand still wrapped around Chris' face, the other tapping easily on his phone. 

"Josh-"

"There's this breakfast place a half hour away from here that I want to try." Josh says, sliding off the bed. He leaves the room quickly, the soft sounds of a zipper floating into the room.   
Chris sits up slowly, replaying Josh's words over and over in his mind; replaying the phone call where Josh is drunk and whimpering. He journeys out into his living room, finding Josh only in a pair of dark briefs. Chris notices a scar along Josh's side he's never seen before; its relatively fresh, long and pink, sliding along the side of his rib cage. It reminds Chris of how people gut a pig.

"Where'd you get that?"

Josh glances back at him, toothbrush tucked against the corner of his mouth. Chris gestures to the scar and Josh looks down, shrugging his shoulders. 

"Woke up one day and it was there. It's not very surprising. I can do some damage in my sleep."

Chris had a couple of scars to prove it. Still it makes him restless. It didn't look like something done from fingernails or claws for the matter, it was too thin, precise. Chris bites the inside of his cheek.

"Your roommate miss you?"

Josh slides into a dark flannel, fingers working on the buttons. He nods.

"Yeah. He's been texting me."

"About his never ending thirst?"

Josh chuckles, taking his toothbrush out of his mouth. He walks past Chris into the bedroom. Chris follows him to the bathroom, Josh running his toothbrush under the water before squeezing toothpaste onto the bristles. 

"I'm telling you, man. Cooper's just weird. Plus my ass is sore enough as it is. Don't think I could handle two." He shoots Chris a pointed look before beginning to brush his teeth. 

"Not my fault you keep ridin' my dick."

Josh sputters, toothpaste spraying on the mirror and he's shoving Chris out the bathroom, face red. Chris allows it, smiling at the closed bathroom door. It never fails to amuse him that the Josh Washington, all day flirt, smirking 'bone zone or no zone' asshole, turns into a blushing pile of sap whenever he's involved. It was cute. And a lovely ego boost.

Chris dresses simply, using Emily's layering techniques as well as he can, which isn't really well considering its Chris and not Emily but Josh gives him three once overs on the way to the car so it seems successful.

"Can I drive?" Josh asks, already moving to the driver's seat. Chris tosses him his car keys, hesitant in being the passenger in his own car. Not that Josh was a bad driver, considering he just relearned during the summer. In fact he was really, really good as if nearly a year of no human motor skills didn't actually take a toll.

"Promise I won't crash your baby." Josh smirks, disappearing into the car. Chris joins him with an eye roll. Josh commandeers the AUX cable, playing nothing but Talking Heads or Ought while Chris fiddles with his phone. He gets a text from Emily fifteen minutes into the drive, the screen flittering as her name pops up. Chris closes his app.

From: Queen  
Cooper wasn't in class today either  
He's missed all week  
How's Josh?

Chris glances over at his boyfriend, whose bobbing his head to the beat, shifting gears as he breaks the speed barrier.

From: Cream Pie  
Driving. Very fast.  
Do you think something's up?  
Josh says he's been texting him  
I don't think they've talked tho 

Emily responds faster than Chris expects.

From: Queen  
Something's up.  
Has to be. No one misses this much class.  
Attendance is mandatory.

Chris snorts.

From: Cream Pie  
You know   
You called me a nerd a lot in high school  
But I never gave a fuck about attendance

From: Queen  
Shut up, peon

"What are you laughing at?" Josh asks, changing the song.

"Emily ruining my self confidence with her royalty."

"Sounds like Em." Josh picks a song Chris doesn't recognize. It sounds like something out of an old horror movie with a prom scene.

"What's this?"

"Pigeon by Tennis. Lexi liked it a lot."

Chris looks at him. Josh hadn't mentioned her since the last time they went to the post office. 

"I haven't sent her anything in a while." Josh continues, appearing guilty. "I feel bad. She's all alone and I'm out here, dealing with stuff."

"Sounds like you just attract lonely people."

Josh shifts gears. "You lonely, Cochise?"

Chris shrugs, staring out the window. He vaguely recognizes the part of town they're in. It's older with small plots of land left empty or cluttered with various trees or trash. A woman stands at the corner of the intersection, smoking a cigarette. Josh drives like the way is familiar to him.

"Remember this place when we were kids? It's all shit now because of foreclosures and business depletion but it has changed much besides that."

Chris narrows his eyes, thinking but unable to conjure up a memory. "Nah, bro."

"Christopher Can't Remember Shit, right here." Josh drawls, purposely running his consonants together. "We came here with Hannah and Beth before... We came here to this fucking breakfast place and you made fun of the cakes because they were vegan."

Chris shakes his head. "Not remembering."

"I told you about Ashley saying she'd blow you on your first date if you actually asked her and you got a nose bleed? Got blood on the counter? The girl working there fainted?"

It all clicks. "Shit."

"Shit is right, my friend. Hope she still doesn't work here."

Fortunately for Chris, she doesn't or she's off, regardless the worker isn't here but it's been a few years so Chris doubts she would even recognize them. The place hasn't changed, still a small two story house with outside seating and Christmas lights that hang from the ceiling. Beth dragged them here last time. It seems fitting that Josh would do the same. 

The inside is long, small tables of four sitting where the living room used to be. There is a bakery rack beside the counter filled with colorful pastries. A door swings open from behind the counter, revealing a dark skinned woman who pokes her head out before disappearing back inside.

A man sits at the counter, bearded with long braids in his hair that look kind of tacky but in reality he just resembles Kili from the Hobbit. He nods at them, Josh sauntering up to the counter with a slight limp. Chris can't help but smirk.

"What can I get you, fellas?" 

Josh orders, something long and winded about pancakes that Chris zones out halfway through. The man behind the counter seems entranced the way Josh's mouth is moving or the scar, Chris isn't sure but he walks up to the counter anyway, pressing a hand into the small of Josh's back and the guy promptly shifts his eyes away from Josh's mouth.

"Okay, cool. I'll get on it. That'll be 13.48$"

Josh pays, much to Chris' dismay, but he gives Chris that slow, crooked smile so he doesn't fight it. They sit on the patio, Josh adjusting his beanie as he sips water through a straw.

"We drove a half hour for pancakes?"

"Vegan pancakes." Josh corrects. "Fat, thick stacks of vegan pancakes. Fat stacks piled high covered in fruit and shit and fucking maple syrup. Fat stacks, Chris. Fat stacks that I'm going to take pictures of and send to Sam because she loves that shit."

Chris raises an eyebrow at his enthusiasm.

"Fat stacks?"

Josh nods, pleased chittering coming from his throat. "Plus I like this place. Reminds me of them."

"Josh.."

"I know. It won't be like last time." Josh sighs. "It's getting better. Missing them. I talk about them to Cooper a lot. He never had siblings. But it's nice to, you know, talk about it."

Chris straightens in his seat. "I wasn't trying to say you can't. I didn't mean..."

"No. No I didn't mean that. You just," Josh pauses. "You worry. A lot, man. Sometimes I think you're going to make your brain explode because of how much you worry."

"I gotta."

Josh rolls his eyes. "So as your boyfriend. I won't bore you with what you already know."

"Boyfriend rights."

"Boyfriend rights?"

"It's why I made you stay a week. And why you can talk to me about whatever. Bullshit. Apeshit. Whatever kind of shit. I'm your boyfriend, gotta protect my own."

Josh smiles. "Oh? Protect me from what?"

"Salty ass people."

Chris watches the smile grow wider, still crooked, but it's there, bright and gleaming. The man from the counter comes into the porch with, as Josh said, two plates stacked full with pancakes. He sets the plates down in front of them, Josh's covered in bananas and peanut butter and walnuts while Chris' resembles something out of a fruit basket. 

"Thanks, man." And Josh turns that blinding smile to the man, who stutters out a response blushing furiously as he heads back inside.

"I'm not sharing."

"What? Man, please. Yours looks so good." Josh whines, pouting.

Chris shakes his head. "I meant you, dumbass. I'm not sharing you. With anyone. Go ahead and text all your side chicks because you're mine, Washington." 

"So I gotta move out now? Move in with you? Get lazy and fat together?"

"Yep."

"Kinda hot, Cochise." Josh responds, cutting through half his stack with a fork. The entire thing shifts and Josh lifts a large piece to his mouth. He ends up with peanut butter on his face, purring in content. Chris smacks him with a napkin, ignoring the fluttering in his stomach when Josh laughs.

"Clean your face, ya fucking animal."

"Yes, sweetheart."

Chris flushes with embarrassment, Josh laughing at his expression from across the table. He stabs Chris' stack with a fork and snatches a piece off.

"Better eat up, man. You know I eat enough for three."

It's a joke, Chris realizes, so he laughs at it because if he doesn't Josh will clam up like he usually does in regards to post exorcism related. For example the only weight Josh has been able to retain is from running with Emily, otherwise Josh remained a deep pit that ate and ate but never changed body wise.

It was another concern Chris had. Josh was already on multiple medications (3 instead of 5 now), susceptible to night terrors and random fits of borderline extreme violence on bad days and sometimes it's so close to what he was in the mines. So close but Josh is across from him, with smears of peanut butter on his lips, laughing and he's so close but still too far past the line of humanity to revert back.

Chris won't let him.


	6. the Great Golden Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fear in holding back is a lot like the fear in dropping a baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like some of these chapter names are ridiculous but i love them

"Don't go back."

Josh looks over his shoulder at him from his spot on the edge of the bed, shirt bunched up around his elbows. They're both on Chris' bed, an old game boy color in Chris' lap. 

"Dude. I have to. I have class and-"

"I have class. Carpool."

"Chris."

Chris rolls onto his side, face pressing into the curve of Josh's spine. He grabs the other's waist, mouthing small kisses along his back. Josh shivers slightly, pressing back into Chris' mouth. He huffs.

"You can't just convince me with sex. Again."

"I'm not, bro. You're paranoid." Chris responds easily, setting the game boy aside and wrapping an arm around his boyfriend's waist. In reality he's trying to look at the long scar in Josh's side without being too obvious. It's not his fault Josh gets worked up easily and if he keeps making the tiny noises he's making, he can't exactly blame Chris for his reaction. 

"This doesn't look like something from one of your nightmares." Chris mumbles, dragging a finger along the scar. It was too clean, too perfect. Josh jumps, beginning to move away but Chris holds his hips firmly.

"Bro. Stop messing with it." Josh tenses up when Chris' finger reaches the top. The edge is slightly crooked, frayed off like someone got distracted at the beginning. Chris traces it lightly and Josh shifts away abruptly, wide eyes zeroing in on him and Chris sees it in his face.

"Stop." Josh breathes, voice strained.

Chris takes in the expression, the confused, stuttering fear that works its way across. He hasn't seen anything like it in so long, not since the mountain, not since Mike aimed a gun at him. 

"Do you remember how you got it?"

Josh shakes his head. "I-I don't but please stop ok? It's weird. It makes me feel weird. It makes me feel like a freak, bro."

"Ok. 'M sorry, man." Chris ducks his head into Josh's lap as the other pulls his shirt back on. Cool fingers rest on the back of his neck, absently stroking the small hairs. 

"I've been worried."

"About what?" Josh asks quietly.

"Your roommate."

Josh frowns. "Dude, I already told you-"

"It's not that, Josh." Chris shifts in Josh's lap, peering up at him. The ceiling fan spins slowly. 

"When you first moved in, I heard something when you called me. I heard something weird."

Josh's frown deepens. "You gonna say you heard me fucking my roommate?"

"No, Josh. That's-" But Josh is only frowning harder, this painful grimace buried underneath his skin and he's moving. Chris' head hits the bed, absent of the warmth of Josh's lap. Josh is up and pacing, arms wrapped around his torso.

"Josh-"

"I haven't done anything. I haven't.. I haven't fucked anyone, Chris. I promise. I'd remember. I know I get really, really fucking wasted sometimes but I didn't fuck anyone. I thought we were past this. I-I... You know that." Josh is hyperventilating, teeth clenched and he seems so desperate, so desperate to make Chris understand. 

"Josh, it's not that. That's not what I heard."

Josh heads snap to him, spine curled up and Chris is sure he heard a bone popping.

"Do you still not trust me? I apologized. We.." Josh breathes through his nose, nostrils flaring. "We weren't even together."

"That's not what this is about!" Chris shouts, fists clenched at his sides. He buries his face in his hands, sitting up slowly. Chris sighs into the silence, rubbing his eyes roughly with the palms of his hands. Josh isn't moving, frozen somewhere behind him. Chris can't even hear him breathe. 

"I heard chanting." Chris says softly. "And you were drunk and loud but something was off. You.. You sounded scared, Josh. Really, really scared. You said I was there and I wasn't. I was at home."

He turns around on his bed to look at Josh, who is sitting on the floor, head pressed into his knees.

"I don't remember anything like that." Josh admits. 

"I didn't think you were cheating. I never thought that." Chris turns away, gaze on the floor. "But I think your roommate has something to do with this. When I actually showed up, the noise, the chanting- whatever the fuck it was stopped as soon as I hit the door. You said Cooper was there and then he left."

Josh huffs out a laugh. "Cooper didn't do anything. He knows I'm on medication. He's the one who made sure I got home okay. You said you've been having sleeping problems. Maybe this was one of them."

"Josh-"

"No, stop." Chris looks at him again. Josh's head is tucked into the crook of his elbow, staring blankly into the room. "Cooper's a good guy, Chris. He's... helpful. Really helpful when you're not there. So he's kinda creepy sometimes because he stares a lot but I think he's just super observant."

"Chris, he's been through a lot. His dad died recently and his mom works all the time, eight hours away. He doesn't see her, he doesn't see anyone. He's alone. Completely." Josh's gaze moves to him. He seems tired, exhausted dark lines creasing under his eyes and he's looking at Chris with that expression, that tired, distant gaze that reminds Chris of what happened in the spring; that gaze that reminds Chris of everything he's lost. 

Chris turns away and knows he can't talk about it anymore, not without pushing Josh into a shell, not without breaking something. Instead he gets up and wanders into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Chris leans against it, heart hammering in his chest and he's at a loss. Emily would know what to do; Emily wanted him to wait. Sam would know what to do; Sam would convince Josh to stay a little longer. The rest of the group would know what to do. Everyone except Chris.

"Fuck." Chris slides to the floor and tries to breathe. He could just be overreacting, could be using what happened during the summer as a crutch to keep Josh close, to suffocate him. Chris bites his knuckle, feeling every pulse in his body pounding against his temple. He was doing it again, he was doing it again, he was doing it again. 

"Chris?" Josh knocks lightly on the door.

Chris wipes at his face, feeling soft wetness from tears he doesn't remember shedding. He didn't want to lose Josh. Again. Ever. But he couldn't keep him too close, couldn't hold him too tight without being met with resistance. This is probably what Alphonse was talking about.

"You're going to cage him, Christopher." Alphonse had said, smile so old and wise, Chris had wondered what his age truly was. 

"You're going to cage him again and he will resent you."

Another knock. "Cochise? I-I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to... I'm sorry. Chris?"

Josh sounds so small, so worn out and tired and it's because of Chris, it's always because of Chris. Chris takes off his glasses and splashes his face with cold water, rubbing fingers into the corners of his eyes too hard. Chris dries his face slowly, mulling over his thoughts until his insides dry. He opens the door to a startled boyfriend, a startled boyfriend who he loves maybe too much, maybe too hard.

"You're right. I'm just freaking out." Chris tries to believe his own words. "I can take you back today if you want."

Josh blinks, confused but nods nonetheless. 

"Um, yeah, okay."

Chris slips past him, disappearing into his closet. He tries to think of Emily and her layering, a welcome distraction to the heaviness he feels inside him. Chris layers according to the weather times ten. He had reasons to believe what he heard, reasons and Emily. But. They had been wrong before. So, so wrong and Josh was dragged away into the cold, into the night by something not human.

Josh is dressed in that stupid scarf and stupid slouchy cardigan again. He laughs when he takes in Chris' disapproving expression.

"They keep me warm."

"You look like a gremlin." Chris snorts.

"Well at least you look hot. I wanna climb you like a tree."

"Lessons with Emily."

"Gonna send her a fucking bouquet."

He tosses Josh various articles of clothes that aren't his and helps him fold them into Josh's kanken. His room feels empty and he does to but he tries to curb it with a smile that Josh finds creepy but chuckles at. 

Josh holds his hand the entire drive back, talking rapidly about a film project his professor gave him. 

"Are we okay?" Josh asks when they reach the outside of his apartment building.

Chris nods, slow and it feels like time drags with it. He leans in, Josh meeting him halfway and the kiss melts the butterflies in his stomach. "We're okay."

Josh kisses him again before grabbing his bag from the backseat. "Thanks for dropping me off. We should get pancakes again."

"No, no more pancakes." Chris mumbles grumpily, remembering how full he felt after eating half of that ridiculous stack but Josh kept encouraging him to eat.

Josh pouts, sliding out of the car. He rolls down the window before closing the door, arms leaning against the open space.

"Will you call me when you get home?"

"Yeah sure." Chris nods.

Josh frowns. "Hey, none of that 'sure' business. I want enthusiasm, man. Enthusiasm."

"God, you sound like me."

Josh grins widely. "Later, Cochise."

Chris watches him disappear into the building, in his dumb cardigan and scarf. He sits in front of Josh's apartment longer than he tries to, staring at the closed doors a bit too long before he drives off. 

He ends up outside Sam's without meaning to, ends up walking up to her door and knocking but everything is moving too fast and quick and Ashley is answering.

"Chris? Are you okay?" Her voice sounds far away, sounds muddled and wrong and Chris leans heavily against the doorframe, his entire body tingling painfully with every breath. He can't move, skin hot and he thinks he's melting. It's hazy, foggy, like something dark and restless settles against his spine and he can't move.

"Chris?! Can you hear me?" It's Sam. His thoughts spin, voices too loud, too soft and bile crawls up his throat like a screaming cat. He swallows thickly, trying to focus. Sam is shades of green and blue, her hands waving in front of his face and his eyes slide closed.

"Chris. It's Sam. Hey, come on, listen to me." He tries, tongue burning and he tries, tries.

"Listen to my voice, okay? You gotta breathe, Chris. Breathe with me." Sam inhales loudly and exhales just as loud. "In and out. Come on, Chris."

He breathes with her; deeply in, deeply out and the shadow in his spine slowly slides off. Deep in, deep out. Chris doesn't know how long Sam sits with him, in her open doorway, breathing and kind. The seconds feel like days and he's never quite felt so tired in so long.

"Sam." Ashley is behind her, hesitant.

"He's okay." Sam tells her. "Hey, Chris, you with me?"

Chris nods slowly. He doesn't remember sitting down. "Mom."

"You fucking dick. I'm not your- Fine, yes."

"You bitch like a mom, Sam." Chris jokes, head dizzy.

Sam smirks. "I'll hit you over the head like a mom. Seriously," her voice turns worried. "What happened? Are you okay?"

He wants to tell her, wants to so bad but he doesn't want Josh to hate him. Chris shakes his head. 

"I'm trying, Sam. I'm trying so hard. It's hard." Chris wheezes, clutching the front of his chest. "His psychiatrist said I'd trap him again and I feel like I am. I don't know what to do."

Sam runs a cold hand along his face, it's soothing, it's so motherly and he thinks of his own mom, buried somewhere deep in a cemetery near his old house. 

"You're doing fine. You've been doing great, Chris. Wanna crash here a few days?"

He shakes his head to say no but Ashley is frowning at him from behind Sam and Chris knows that look. They drag him inside, wrap him in eight blankets and wedge him between them on Sam's couch. He texts Emily during the nameless movie they're watching.

From: Cream Pie  
I told him.

It takes a beat for her to respond.

From: Queen  
How'd that go?

From: Cream Pie  
He immediately thought I was accusing him of cheating.  
And he defended his roommates honor.

From: Queen  
Did he believe you?

From: Cream Pie  
Realistically probably not  
He said Cooper's just weird.  
He didn't acknowledge the chanting part

From: Queen  
Fuck  
Ok.

Fuck was right. Fuck was the giant stamp on Chris' ever consistent life. If he kept pushing without solid evidence Josh was going to lash out again. But if he kept digging, Josh would know. 

"Hey. No brooding." Ashley tells him, cuddled into his side.

Sam nudges him from the other side. "She's right. Only love. You've got two hot girls on your side and you look miserable."

"Just going through a lot."

Sam takes his hand and squeezes. "I know. After everything that's happened. You've had a difficult year and a half. Lots of things have changed, lots of things have sucked. But it always gets worse before it gets better."

"And at least," Ashley adds. "You got us. This large web of assholes who love you. Even Emily loves now. Small miracles."

Chris snorts. Small miracles.


	7. Arsonist's Favorite Color

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris gives Josh an inch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: mild sex scene towards the end.

Chris staying a few days turns into a week and that week turns into two and soon he's kicking himself out of Sam's house because he can only walk in on Ashley going down on Sam so many times before he misses the quiet of his own apartment. 

He puts distance between himself and his phone, focusing on school work and his shit version of Baymax from Big Hero 6 for his robotics teacher. Josh doesn't seem to mind or doesn't notice, busy with his film project and whatever Halloween party he's planning.

Sam drags Chris to her rock climbing class so he drags her to his first therapy session and it feels a lot like something he should've done a year and half ago. 

"Is this conflict of interest?"

Alphonse looks up from his clipboard, dressed, for the first time Chris has seen him, in white. He shakes his head, setting the clipboard down on a nearby desk. Alphonse gestures to a stiff looking leather recliner that Chris slumps down in.

"I'm not surprised to see you here." Alphonse tells him, taking the seat opposite of him. Chris liked Alphonse, liked his elegant office with its large bookshelves and maps, liked his old wise man demeanor. Liked how he was with Josh.

"What should I talk about?" 

"Anything."

Chris chews the inside of his lip until he tastes copper. He sighs, straightening in his seat.

"I'm giving Josh space."

Alphonse nods. "That's good. I'm glad you've taken my words into consideration."

"I'm scared." Chris admits. "Of losing him again like what happened during the summer. I'm scared he's going to disappear but he won't come back. I think it's making me obsessed. I'm hearing things. Mountain related things like chanting."

Alphonse's eyebrows raise in response, the patient expression he wears dwindling into curious.

"That's crazy right?"

"Considering the circumstances surrounding the mountain and you, I'd say no. Did you hear these chants in a dream?"

Chris shakes his head. "I heard it on the phone with Josh when he first moved in. It could've been a dream though."

"Indeed. Sometimes we can formulate ideas, reasons, to keep those around us close. I know you often view yourself as Joshua's caretaker. But he might see it differently."

"Yeah." Chris sighs heavily.

"How did you cope during your break up this year?"

"Made friends, met a girl. Thought about Josh but I waited for him." Chris crosses his legs, staring down at his feet. "I didn't think he'd come back."

"But he did." Alphonse responds, hands folded in his lap. Chris looks up at him, noting the small smile on the man's face.

"It's hard to give someone you love and cherish room to grow. You could grow apart, you could not grow at all and they change. You just have to hope that their growth includes you but in the mean time, you are still a work in progress. Make progress."

"Coming here is progress." Chris cracks a smile.

"I agree. I'm very proud of you."

He sees Alphonse once a week at his own pace but Jess is proud of him and so is Mike, so Chris keeps it up, forces himself out of the apartment more in the name of progress and only occasionally stalks Josh's snapchat. Cooper doesn't post as much, at least not with Josh, and it eases Chris' anxiety. He makes buddies with kids in his tech class and hangs out with the girl he could've been with and she's surprising a lot more chill without the nervous weight of wanting to kiss him. 

"You're going to therapy? That's amazing, Chris." Kimbel takes a sip from Chris' milkshake, leaving a light pink ring around the straw.

"We've been over this before. You can't distract me from the milkshake." Chris smacks her hand when she reaches for it again and she tosses back her head with a nasally laugh. Kimbel smiles, lips stretching straight across her face. Chris isn't sure why he invited her out but it seemed like a good idea. They still had things in common, still had the same Robotics class (she was making a miniature gundam while he stuck with fucking Baymax). It wasn't weird, in fact, it was a relief. 

"So tell me about the boy you left me for." Kimbel sips her soda, a manicured hand reaching up to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear.

"He's hot." Chris supplies and she laughs again.

"My, my. He sounds dreamy."

Chris rolls his eyes, unable to stop a smile from sliding onto his face. "He's majoring in Film, specialization scaring people shitless. Apparently he's throwing a Halloween party too."

"Oh? That's neat. What's his name?"

Chris hesitates, unsure if she was one of the few that knew about the events on the mountain. Surprisingly, not many people recognized them from the news. Chris guessed that was the beauty of going to a large school, anonymity. 

"Josh Washington."

Her eyes glitter. "I know him. We have an Aggression and Violence course together! He's got a scar." She points to the side of her mouth and drags the finger up to her eye. "He is very attractive. How did you snag him? Very jealous and very pleased with who my replacement is."

Chris almost corrects her, almost tells her that in reality she was going to be his replacement. "That's my guy."

"Where is your lover boy now? On our dates before you'd stare at your phone every three minutes and now," she gestures to his phone on the table. "You're not."

"I'm giving him space." Chris sighs.

Kimbel purses her lips. "That doesn't sound good. On a break? Does this mean we can get one in before class starts?"

Chris laughs, shaking his head. "Nope."

"Damn and I was hoping to finally meet your couch as promised." She winks at him and he doesn't blush, absolutely does not, especially when his mind immediately supplies the last time he had sex on his couch, specifically the reason why the arm was chewed up like a half forgotten toy.

"Ah you still look very cute in red." Kimbel giggles, dipping a fry in ketchup. The bell over the door dings, a group of kids clamoring into the diner. 

"Did you ever find your anatomy textbook?"

Kimbel groans, falling back in her seat. "No! It's gone forever. It's not even mine, I'm renting it. I now have to pay $345 for a 20 page pamphlet. Love the school system."

Chris winces. "That blows, man."

"Tell me about it." Kimbel takes his milkshake before he can respond, slurping noisily as she moans around the straw. Chris is halfway across the table, reaching for it when a familiar laugh rings through his ear, sounding very, very close.

"You go on a lot of dates with hot girls, Cochise?" 

Chris' heads snaps to the side, bent over the table, arm outstretched as Kimbel seems frozen in her seat, lips around the straw of his milkshake. They both stare up at Josh, whose standing next to their table, eyebrow raised and smirking. It may be that he hasn't seen his boyfriend in weeks or it could be that he's always thirsting after Josh Washington or it's probably the fact that Josh is standing next to their table in a large beanie, a navy sweater and leather pants, tight leather pants. Tight, tight, fucking leather-

"Does your mom know you left your apartment like this?" Chris asks, scandalized and definitely, most definitely not checking Josh out. Kimbel, however, is in fact checking Josh out and whistles loudly.

"No. You stop. Don't encourage him." Chris tells her, easing back in his seat. Kimbel falls into a fit of laughter as Chris' face heats up. Josh places a hand on his shoulder.

"Don't like my pants, man? Hurts. Definitely thought they looked good on me." 

Chris will deny this until the day he dies. Kimbel pops open the lid to Chris' cup, spooning out slides of milkshake into her mouth. She eyes Josh appreciatively before fixing her gaze back on Chris, who may or may not resemble a cherry tomato. Kimbel laughs at him and he kicks her leg under the table.

"You guys on a date?" Josh asks lightly, squeezing Chris' shoulder hard but he looks at Kimbel.

"Hottest of dates. We were about to get hot and heavy over this milkshake."

"You mean my milkshake." Chris grumbles.

"It's so good. Chris has very, very good taste." Kimbel sneaks a glance at Josh's ass, eyebrows raised and she gestures to Chris with her finger. "A++."

Chris ignores her, looking up at Josh. "The real question is, are you on a date? Because these pants."

Josh smirks, eyes glittering, and he leans in, breath ghosting the shell of Chris' ear.

"Mmmmaybe." Josh says slowly, lips brushing against the skin. He takes the lobe in between his teeth, lightly tugging before releasing it slowly with a flick of his tongue. Kimbel watches the entire display, eyes round and large and her mouth falls open. 

"Got me a hot date myself." Josh gestures to a woman standing at the counter. Chris can't see her face but her hair is long and wavy with tiny beads woven in, dressed elegantly in a nice hue of red. Josh whistles, eyes dragging along her figure appreciatively.

"Really, really hot." He murmurs, squeezing Chris' shoulder again. "Nice seeing you, Kimbel. Cochise." 

And he's gone as quickly as he appeared, strutting up to where the woman orders at the counter, placing a hand on the small of her back. Kimbel snorts into Chris' shake, face still a bright shade of red and Chris glares at her.

"I mean, if this is foreplay I kinda wanna see the sex." She shrugs, handing Chris an empty cup. "Two very attractive men trying to make the other jealous. Very nice."

"I didn't start this."

Kimbel raises an eyebrow at him. "So finish it, big guy." 

Chris watches Josh and the woman move to a booth near the bathroom, Josh leaning against the table on his elbows, confident and fucking smirking at the woman across from him. Kimbel touches his arm, pressing against the table, cleavage amplified by the angle and Chris is staring, is staring a bit too hard. But Josh did start this.

"It's still too bad I never got to see your couch."

"If he keeps this up you probably will." Chris tells her, eyes locked on the pink of her lips. Lips he's kissed before, smooth and soft and they turn red under certain conditions but Chris has kissed them before. So maybe he leans across the table a bit more, every nerve tuning to the stare Josh is giving him from across the diner, and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. It's not much. But Kimbel's cheeks tint pink and she's biting her lip and Josh, Josh's nostrils are flared and Chris knows that look, knows the fire behind the smoldering glare he's being given.

"You got him?"

"Bingo." Chris smirks at Josh, whose glare only seems to intensify. Chris glances back at Kimbel, back to her pink mouth.

"Let's go before he kills me." 

"Right then." Kimbel giggles, tossing her hair back again. They throw away their trash, Chris making a show of putting his hand on Kimbel's waist as they walk out and he can practically feel the snarl that sits in the back of Josh's throat. They stay like that until they're a safe distance away from the diner and Chris promptly exhales.

"Fuck me. I'm going to die. He's going to kill me."

Kimbel giggles. "If anything his expression his expression was 'rip you apart' than 'instant death.'"

Chris gasps, staring at her in horror. "Whose side are you on?"

"Honestly I'd prefer to be in-between both parties involved but a girl can dream." Kimbel sighs, still smiling. "Walk me home and then you can face your brooding dragon."

Her place isn't far from campus, a fifteen minute walk in Matt's direction. She kisses him on the cheek when they reach the entrance.

"Text me all the gory details."

Chris gives her a small salute. "Yes, ma'am."

"Go before I introduce you to my couch." Kimbel winks and Chris leaves with a laugh, only getting halfway to his apartment with a text from Jess saying 'oooooooh'. He isn't sure if she's aware of the situation but it seems appropriate enough regardless. 

Chris isn't in his apartment ten minutes before a knock comes to the door. He's a bit apprehensive, kinda scared to face any wrath that Josh might have saved up but he answers anyway, half undressed and Josh is waltzing inside, collected and cool, hands tucked into the pockets of his leather pants.

"You take her home?" He inquires, assessing the empty living room. 

"Mmhm." Chris closes the door. "What about your date?"

"Just a girl from class."

"Just a girl?"

Josh makes a noise in the back of his throat. It's an unfamiliar noise, one that sounds more like a low mechanical chirp than the usual chitter noise. He doesn't move from the entryway, back to Chris and Chris almost says something, almost but he's shoved against the door once he blinks, a hand pulling at his shirt, the other curled around his jaw and Josh's mouth is on his, all teeth and heat.

Chris groans deep in his throat, arms wrapping around Josh's thin waist, mouths moving desperately together. Josh bites his lower lip, the hand on his jaw tightening. A soft tearing noise wedges between them and Chris winces as his shirt rips at the collar.

"Did you want to bring her home?" Josh asks, mouth angling against Chris' skin and he's biting and sucking and it shouldn't feel so good when Josh sounds so pissed but it does. 

"No. Did you?" Chris gasps, Josh's hand unzipping his pants and he's already panting in need. 

"Uh uh, Cochise. We're talking about you." Josh purrs, kissing him hard on the mouth and Chris presses into him, hands reaching down to grasp Josh's ass.

"That's the girl, huh? The one you almost fucked on your couch." It's not a question. Josh shoves him again, jaw clenched and he's dropping to his knees. 

"Fuck, she's not important, Josh." Chris wheezes, face hot and Josh smirks up at him, this slow, long drag of skin that curls Chris' insides.

"Bet she's given you head." Josh runs his tongue along the bulge in Chris' boxer, a hand gripped tight around his hip, dark eyes never leaving his. Chris shudders, unable to look away as Josh mouths him through the thin fabric, a finger hooked in the elastic.

"Gonna show you who treats your dick the best, Cochise." Josh takes the edge of Chris' boxers in his teeth and drags, eyes glinting dangerously.

Chris bites his knuckle to keep from swearing.


	8. Hideaway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Homes are places you build inside people

He has to talk to Josh. Actually sit his boyfriend down and talk to him. Considering the events that led up to what the group has dubbed 'the ultimate brain of '88' despite it not being 1988, Josh hadn't talked to him beyond the occasional update in regards to getting on a new medication and Alfie. It's been almost a week (another fucking week) and Chris is mostly fed up. So he waits outside Josh's political science course, wrapped up in a scarf and a dark parka and he's probably wearing too many layers but the heat comforts him.

Class lets out a few minutes early, students floating through the double doors with a cheerfulness Chris can't seem to understand. He sees Kimbel, who gives him a two fingered wave, before she disappears down the hall. A couple more students drift out until finally Josh does, in a black beanie, looking all shades of art hipster trash. His eyes widen when he sees Chris, guilt fluttering across his features.

"Hey, Cochise." He says easily, slowing to a stop. Josh steps towards him, hands tucked into his pockets and he looks ready to be chastised.

"You're being a jackass." Chris tells him and Josh snorts, a small smile playing on his lips. "You're being a jackass and I want to see Avengers. You're going with me because you're being a jackass and I like holding your hand."

"That's kinda gay, bro."

Chris purses his lips, eyes narrowed and Josh laughs, light and musical. He nods his head, relief evident in his face.

"Okay, man. We can see Avengers."

"Did you beat up Kimbel? Jess said you would if you were angry enough."

Josh smirks. "No, I just fucked with her a little. Don't worry about it."

"I'm worried if you're worried. I'm worried if you think something's happening that's not."

"Ah. Oh. Well. Um."

"You're an idiot. Unfortunately you're stuck with me and my pale ass." Chris sighs, taking in the amused look on Josh's face. Josh nods again, smiling crookedly, bit wider.

"Did Em tell you I was concerned?"

"What we are calling the 'brain of 88' is what really told us you were concerned."

"Don't know how to quite stake my claim without taking a bite out of you." Josh takes his hand easily, fingers lacing together.

"I already told you. You're being a jackass."

Josh chitters pleasantly. "Ha. Alright, bro."

They walk down the hall, hand in hand, Josh pressed into the side of Chris' arm as he rants about how a girl in his film class stole his idea on a modern day werewolf movie.

"She's going to do it wrong. She'll put too much gore and not enough substance. I've seen her work. It's ruined." Josh moans, squeezing both sides of his face with his free hand. 

"Sounds good to-" Chris catches the tail end of a glare. "Not me, your boyfriend."

"You're fucking lame." Josh mumbles, face lighting up as he glances down one of the halls. A familiar voice rings from that direction, the steady click click of boots and Ashley is in front of them, face flushed and smiling. Her hair is wavy, very very wavy.

"That's a good look." Chris tells her.

Josh agrees easily. "Very nice. Sam see it yet?"

Ashley's face falls. "Um no. We're kind of not... talking right now."

Josh tenses up beside Chris. "What? Why? Is everything okay?"

"I'm sure everything's fine and I'm just freaking out. She asked me to move in with her and I'm freaking out. Sam wants me to move in with her." Ashley combs all of her hair to one side, messing with the ends. Chris grabs one of hands as she begins to pull apart split ends.

"Ash, I'm sure Sam will understand that you need time to think about it." Chris tells her.

"Yeah. Sam is super understanding." Josh agrees but Ashley still seems stressed, mouth drawn in a tight, thin line.

"What if she finds someone cooler than me while I'm thinking? Someone who wants to move in?"

Chris doesn't know what's going on with their group but he's sensing some sort of orgy pile in the near future to handle all the unnecessary tension. Chris is about to speak up when Josh steps up instead, placing a hand on Ashley's arm.

"Sam likes you. A lot. She has for a long time. She's not going to let you go easily. Even if you took all semester, she'd still take you into consideration with whatever plans she has. That's just how Sam is. She's annoying and extremely terrifying but great, really really wonderful. You just have to talk to her."

Chris and Ashley both stare at Josh, mouths open, eyes wide because it's something Josh would never say to Sam herself. Josh shrugs his shoulders, looking everywhere but them.

"He's right." Ashley whispers. "He's right!"

She presses a kiss to Josh's scar before hurrying past them down a flight of stairs, gone from their sight like a scampering flower child. Josh touches his face, hiding a blush behind his hand.

"Dude, shut up."

Chris swallows down his laughter, lips curled inward and Josh is glaring at him. 

"Dude!" 

"Okay, okay." Chris concedes, pressing his mouth where Ashley kissed when Josh drops his hand, enjoying the deeper shade Josh's face becomes.

"You're a sap." Josh rubs his cheek furiously. "A big piece of sap."

"Okay, hipster trash, lets go." Chris tugs at their linked hands and Josh trails behind him, purring in content. It's a sound Chris hadn't heard in a while, a sound he misses startling him out of his sleep whenever Josh would press into him.

"How about instead of Avengers, we walk to my apartment and make out cause Cooper's going to his mom's this weekend." Josh knocks his head into Chris' shoulder.

"You implying you want me to stay the weekend?" Chris snorts, easing through a large group of kids waiting for the elevator. Josh's grip on his hand tightens, almost painfully. 

"Yep." Josh whistles.

The courtyard is packed when they step outside, small tents of clubs selling food or items for fundraisers. It's a lot more crowded than Chris was expecting. He can feel the small bones in his hand shift as Josh grows more and more uncomfortable behind him with each passing student.

Chris searches for a new route, immediately latching onto the small staircase in the corner of the courtyard that leads to the parking garage. Chris guides Josh over, clearing a small path until they're tucked away from the crowds. 

"You okay?" Chris asks as they descend the steps.

"I forgot how busy Thursday's are." Josh doesn't sound okay so Chris turns around once they reach the last step. Josh stares at the ground, bottom lip tucked in between his teeth and he's trembling slightly. He sighs when Chris touches his face, eyes squeezing shut and he releases a heavy sigh. 

"I'm okay." Josh whispers, studying their intertwined fingers. He smooths his thumb over the reddening skin of Chris' hand.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Chris assures him. "Nothin' a little jar of spiced peaches can't fix."

Josh rolls his eyes, finally looking up at Chris. He seems worn, a bit too jittery but otherwise smiling. "We should watch that when we get home."

"What? Holes? No." Chris snorts and they're walking again, the smooth metal of cars a welcomed silence compared to the tents upstairs. 

"It seems like everyone's getting very serious."

Chris glances over at Josh. "True. You should move in with me."

Josh leans into him. "Maybe."

They continue in silence, a sweet, peaceful silence they hadn't shared before. Chris always felt the need to fill in the space between with words to keep Josh's dark feelings away but they weren't speaking now and it felt so nice. It felt like a breeze in summer.

Josh fumbles with his keys as they climb the stairs to his apartment, Chris making jokes about how Josh can't function with him around because he's so cool. Josh punches him, twice. 

"Can we christen your apartment?"

"I'm sure Coop has but alright." Josh moves to insert the key when the door slams open. Josh startles back, Chris immediately moving in front of him and Cooper stands in the doorway, panicked, dark circles molting under his eyes, the beginning of stubble on his chin and every nerve in Chris' body raises in alarm. 

Josh's head pokes out from behind Chris, a hand on his arm. Cooper has a bag on his shoulder, strap clutched tightly to his chest and he forces a smile that seems so wrong on his distressed face.

"Ah I overslept. I have to go. Sorry." Cooper says, the smile fading away and he's moving past them. Josh reaches for him, stepping in tune as Cooper walks towards the staircase. 

"Are you okay, man?" Josh asks quietly.

"Yeah.. Yeah. Just my mom..." Cooper curls in on himself, twisting the strap of his bag tightly in his hands. "I'm fine. I'm... sorry, Josh."

Chris knows he's not supposed to listen but he can't really help it. Josh has hand on Cooper's shoulder, brow furrowed and he's so invested in what Cooper is saying.

"She's just been.. I have to go I might miss my train."

Chris isn't one to offer support or guidance (ha!) to people he generally doesn't know, that was Sam's job or Mike's but he steps up anyway because even if he doesn't care for Cooper, Josh does and today is the closest thing to real he's seen on Cooper's face since they met.

"The buses stopped running at 4. We'll take you." 

Cooper turns back to him, mouth open and closing. He shifts from one foot to the other, distressed, before nodding. 

"That'd be great. Thank you."

The action is worth the reward because Josh is staring at Chris as if he cured cancer, clenched jaw melting into that crooked, dull toothed smile. 

Cooper doesn't relax until he's tucked in the backseat of Chris' car, snickering at how they bicker over whose driving.

"Just get in the passenger seat and play your shitty music." Chris rounds the car, sliding into the driver's seat with a low scoff. Josh gets into the passenger seat but he's clearly unhappy until Chris hands him the AUX cable. 

"You fucking suck." Josh mumbles grumpily, scrolling on his phone.

"That's what they keep telling me."

It takes a beat and Cooper's deep chuckle for Josh to understand. He punches Chris in the shoulder, mouth open around a scandalized grimace. 

"Dude!"

"I'll show you later. Don't worry about it."

And Cooper is laughing in the back seat while Josh's face shades darker and darker. Josh doesn't punch him anymore but he does play his music loudly. The train station wasn't far from campus, barely thirty minutes south but Josh is dozing off against his shoulder, elbow digging into the center console.

"Is he asleep?" Cooper asks.

Chris turns down the music to a low thrum. He peaks down at Josh, taking in peaceful expression before glancing at Cooper in the rear view mirror. Cooper's staring down in his lap. 

"Yeah, he is."

"Thanks. For taking me." Cooper doesn't look up. "I didn't mean to sleep so long. I set alarms but I slept through them all."

"It's fine, man." Chris tells him. "Josh said you lost your dad. I'm sorry. I know what that's like."

Cooper glances up at him. "You lose your dad?"

"Nah. I lost my mom when I was in high school. My dad's still alive but," Chris sighs. "I guess I lost him too. We don't talk. I just get a check sent to me every month and a birthday card." 

"When one goes the other always seem to go with them." Cooper sighs, fixing his gaze out the window. 

Josh shifts against his arm, legs folded against the door and he's sinking into his seat with posture that doesn't seem at all comfortable. Chris chuckles softly when a sleep filled chirp escapes Josh's lips.

"He's pretty great." 

Chris glances at Cooper in the rear view mirror. Cooper is staring at Josh, staring at Josh like he's something special, something dear. It's a look Chris has seen before; a look when he catches himself staring too long or wakes up early to see Josh brushing his teeth while watching Star Trek.

"He is. He's my family." Chris agrees, the last part more to himself than to Cooper. Their entire group was his family, his home, full of broken windows, warm and covered velvet with heavy drapes that held back wind. But Josh was the attic, filled with cotton, layers upon layers of honey and the slow trudge of snow in a blizzard. Something cold and beautiful, something that you stumble upon and go back for.

The train station comes into view, a couple of strangers hanging around the entrance with suitcases and cigarettes. Chris wakes Josh up as Cooper climbs out the car, backpack in hand. Josh tenses up, sleepily blinking around the car and Cooper is waving at him while Josh slaps his palm on the glass, fumbling to roll down the window. 

"I fell asleep. Oh my god I'm like an old lady."

Cooper bends down beside the car, smiling widely. "You're gonna need a retirement home soon."

"God, you both are assholes. Make sure you get there safely. Don't fall asleep or miss your stop because this dumb ass has done that." Josh cocks his thumb in Chris' direction.

"That was one time." Chris defends.

"He ended up six hours away and fucking late." Josh pats Cooper on the shoulder. "Text me when you get there. Remember what we talked about."

"Yes, mom." Cooper huffs, turning his smile to Chris. "Thanks again, man. I'll see you guys."

They watch Cooper jog into the train station, blending in with a crowd that's exiting. Josh slumps back in his seat, yawning widely. His jaw pops. 

"You are an old lady." Chris retorts, easing away from the curb. He checks the road before taking off. Josh presses his feet into the dashboard, boots caked with mud at the bottom. 

"Fucking hipster trash." 

Josh smirks, eyes narrowed at Chris as he straightens up slowly, back arching and he's unbuttoning his jeans with a slow drag of his zipper. Chris' head snaps in his direction and he nearly runs off the road as Josh chuckles, zipping himself back up.

"You gotta wait until we get home."

"Dude. Any other time you're all 'car sex, chaa bra less do it'." Chris makes a show of using a really bad surfer accent. 

"Guess I got something in mind that wouldn't work in a car." Josh responds, smoothing a hand along Chris' thigh. 

Chris exhales sharply. "You just woke up and you're already trying to get in my pants."

"Got the maturity of a horny 15 year old." 

He squeezes Chris' thigh again, the car jerking slightly in response. Chris raises an apologetic hand to a driver who moves around them, Josh's deep laughter filling the car.


	9. Mixtures of Anatomy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fear and faith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So warning: bit of dubious consent, well a scene of questionableness towards the end. I'm putting this here just in case.

"Considering that we just started meeting, you have improved, Christopher. Knowing the contempt you hold towards Josh's roommate, you still set that aside to help someone Josh cares about." Alphonse smiles, pleased. "Have you had anymore dreams in regards to the mountain?"

Chris shakes his head. "No. I guess that night was just stress related. Actually I'm staying at Josh's this weekend while Cooper's at his mom's so I guess I can use this time to, I don't know, see if it's safe?"

"You have stayed before, yes?"

Chris nods.

"Then why do you still feel the need to make sure? Because of Josh? Because his roommate isn't there?"

"It just feels like something I should do."

"I understand. Tread cautiously."

Chris calls Emily after his session, Josh waiting in the car, legs propped up on the dashboard as he texts. He waves when he notices Chris walking towards the car.

"It's 6 in the afternoon better be good." Emily sounds breathless, her voice slightly shaky. Chris tries not to think about reasons why it could be like that.

"I'm staying at Josh's this weekend. Without Cooper."

The line goes quiet. "Still think he's up to something? You said that he was pretty pleasant when you took him to the train station today. Which kudos to you. I'd never do that shit." 

"I just want to be certain." Chris sighs, smiling at the faces Josh makes at him through the window. He presses his hand to the glass. 

"Well how are you going to do it? Josh will be there."

"He usually knocks out after his last dose." Josh places a hand opposite of where Chris' rest. He gestures to his wrist and shrugs impatiently.

"Text me if you find anything."

"Yes, mi'lady."

"Gross." Emily hangs up and Chris walks around his car, yanking at the door which resists immediately. His fingernails drag on the metal of the door handle, the created sound enough to make him claw out his eardrums. He frowns, hearing Josh's muffled laughter followed by the click of the lock.

"Nothing says I love you like a locked door."

"I love you." Josh presses a kiss to Chris' clothed shoulder as starts up the car. Chris tries to ignore the way his heart speeds up. 

"Was Alfie mad you were late?"

"No. He was his usual 'I'm proud and wise' self."

"Good. I love Alfie. He's my favorite. I'm glad you're staying this weekend. I've been a bit..." Josh shrugs. "It's been different recently."

Chris drums his fingers on the steering wheel. "Well you said you might be getting on a new medication."

"More like I want to be on something new. I can't explain it. I feel weird." Josh admits, sighing. "I feel like I haven't been sleeping well and I wake up sometimes not knowing where I am. But I sleep fine at your place."

"It's because we're always fucking."

Josh smiles lazily. "Magic dick right there. But seriously." He swallows nervously. "I can barely remember what day it is most times."

"Is that why you've been stringing me around the past two weeks?"

"What?" Josh looks at him, confused. "I've only been avoiding you for a few days."

Chris narrows his eyes. "Dude, it's been a week."

Josh stares into his lap, forehead creasing with a frown. "What... No. That doesn't make sense."

"You should talk to Alfie. When's your next appointment?" Chris raises his voice, alarmed. "Have you been missing appointments?"

"Tuesday. I..I don't think so. I remember seeing him recently. Please don't be mad. I remember going." Josh stares out the window and it feels like he's lying. "Can we just go? Please?"

"Okay." Chris bites the inside of his cheek, easing out of his parking space. He knew he wouldn't be able to get anymore information out of Josh. The bitter acknowledgement was that he couldn't talk to Alphonse about it either. Josh is silent the entire drive to Chris' apartment, clouded in thought and he's visibly distressed by the time they pull in front of the apartment building.

"That can't be right." Josh mumbles, tugging out his phone and scrolling. There are a bunch of opened messages with no replies. Josh sighs heavily, Adam's apple vibrating around a mechanical grind. 

"Fuck. Am I burned out? Is this what college does to you?"

"You're just not used to it." Chris tells him, shifting the gear in park. "It takes time. Just talk to Alphonse. He'll get everything straight."

"Ok. Still wanna stay over?"

"Two weeks." Chris reminds him. "I need this weekend. Without Cooper. With my boyfriend aka you."

"Mm sounds romantic. Why are we here?"

"Toothbrush. Condoms. Things." Chris replies, unbuckling his seat belt.

Josh squints at him, lips curled. "You don't ever used condoms."

"Gotta start. You might get pregnant."

Josh slaps Chris' arm as he exits the car, embarrassed. He shouts something once the car door is closed but Chris makes large, confused gestures while unlocking his apartment door.

He shoves a couple shirts into a bag, some t-shirts, sweaters, two windbreakers, bunch of underwear, jeans. Chris hunts down one of Ashley's left behind bobby pins, pocketing it before finding a flat head screwdriver under the sink. He tucks it away in a pocket of his bag, slumping down against his bed. 

Chris would find out today. He'd find out today if Cooper actually had bad intentions towards Josh or if Chris is just a raging, jealous asshole. Regardless, he'd find out.

Josh is curled up in the passenger seat, knees pressed to his chest with an arm bent over his head. He doesn't look up when Chris opens the door or when he sits down, just stares into the tops of his knees.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, Cochise." But Josh doesn't sound okay. He sounds as though he's been stretched too thin, too wide. Chris places a hand on his shoulder, trying to smooth away the tension with his thumb. Josh's eyes slide closed, curling more on himself but he grabs Chris' hand before the other can move away.

Josh holds his hand the entire drive back, occasionally squeezing too hard but he doesn't let go. His change in mood is worrisome but Chris knows Josh isn't magically going to get better because he loves him. It's not things work.

"Talk to me." Josh mumbles, voice twisted and wrong. "Please."

"Um, um, ok. So I finally started on that App I told you about. The one from high school where it'd tell you the speeding limit if you're on one of those bumblefuck-God-knows where road." He wasn't really working on anything, too distracted by Josh and school (specifically fucking robotics), but Josh is nodding after each word, eyes half lidded.

"Also Kimbel said you invited her to a threesome?"

Josh snickers quietly. "Yeah I did. Told her I'd fuck her mouth while you pounded into her. She seemed really into it. Her face got all blotchy and red."

Chris squeezes Josh's hand. "Dude!"

"Think about it? You, me and the girl you almost fucked on your couch." Josh is suddenly very, very close to him. He presses the hand he's holding into the crotch of his jeans. Chris can feel the hardness rubbing against the denim. 

"Your apartment is right there, bro. Just hold on." Chris removes his hand, unsure how to proceed with the change in demeanor.

Despite Josh's irritable noises of displeasure (cue irritated arms folded over his chest, sharp chittering coming from his chest), they make it upstairs to Josh's apartment and Chris barely sets his bag down before Josh latches on him.

"Josh-"

"Shut up, Chris." Josh snaps, tugging insistently at Chris' jacket. He pushes him against the door, kissing Chris hard on the mouth. Chris grabs Josh by the shoulders, angling his face away and he's trying to talk, to get Josh to slow down but Josh shoves him again, pupils thinned into slits and his mouth quivers, tears rimming the lines of his eyes.

"Please. Please. I'm so tired, Chris. I-I.. Don't make me think please." Josh pleads, whimpering desperately as he tries to kiss Chris again. "Fuck, bro. Chris... Please."

And Chris concedes, meeting his boyfriend the rest of the way, hands sliding up Josh's shirt, lips sliding together. Josh breaks down in tears when Chris leans him against the wall, broken begs drowning out the sound of clothes being removed. He doesn't want Chris to stop, arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders, breaths static and high and he kisses Chris as though he'll disappear. Chris holds onto him, easing Josh onto the floor. His knees dig into the linoleum of the foyer, wedged in between Josh's spread legs.

"Please don't leave. Please, please don't leave." Josh whispers when Chris tries to move to take off his last shirt. He tugs at the fabric, face flushed red, eyes so dark and tired and scared. Chris feels like he's losing him, that even with Josh on the floor in the foyer, covered in red bites and silvery scars, he feels like Josh isn't there and he's slipping away.

"I won't. I won't." Chris tells him, sliding a hand under Josh's knee. "I won't. I'm right here."

And if Josh cries harder when he hesitates fucking him on the floor, Chris will deny that he didn't want to. Deny that he didn't want to help Josh in anyway he could even if it felt fucked up and wrong and awful. Because this didn't feel like help, it felt like drowning, like being left in the bottom of a pool that's slowly filling with cement. 

Chris thinks maybe they're too sides of the same coin, just Josh is a little more vocal, a little more self aware in his self destruction while Chris sits in a burning room expecting the fire to spit rain. So he does what Josh wants him to, holds his hips down and slides inside with a gasp he doesn't know how long he's been holding and Josh arches beneath him, clawing long scars into Chris' shoulder.

Josh has teeth marks in his shoulder, his ribs; has teeth marks and finger shaped bruises, when they're done. He lays on the floor, cheeks dried with thin streaks, staring up at Chris, whose panting with trembling arms and Josh stares up at him when Chris can't look back, running a hand along the curve of Chris' face, whispering how sorry he is when he sees the tears in the other's eyes. 

Chris sits on the floor, idly waiting outside the bathroom as he listens to Josh's soft singing. He traces the bites in his arms, the thin smears of blood left behind. Chris doesn't sigh, doesn't breathe when he rises to his feet and slips into the bathroom, feeling heavy. The room is filled with steam and he can barely make out Josh's outline in the light shower curtain.

"Dude, you scared the shit out of me." Josh smiles brightly when Chris joins him, unbothered and weightless. His skin is a dark red, water sliding down in long patterns. 

Chris swallows, heart hammering in his chest and Josh turns to him fully, the smile wavering. Chris can see the guilt, the shifting slide of regret lingering along the edges of Josh's face so Chris leans in and kisses the resurfacing thoughts away, let's Josh press back into him and smile under the warm spray of the shower.

"Want me to make you something?" Chris asks from the kitchen when they're dry and clothed and he doesn't feel as sick as he did. Josh lazes on the couch, legs dangling over the edge. He resembles a pouty prince.

Josh nods, craning his head to look at Chris. "Super hungry. Def did not eat today. I think I'm finally starting to feel satisfied."

But Josh still eats enough for four when Chris sets down a plate of tofu stir fry. Neither of them comment on it, Josh's loud purring interrupting the show their watching. Chris nudges him in the side.

"Dude. I'm watching Black Book not animal channel: cat edition."

"Shut up, dick. It's really good." Josh tells him around a mouth of food. He eats off of Chris' plate when his is empty, the pan in the kitchen scraped bare. Chris allows it.

"Mad cooking skills here, son."

Josh smirks. "Nice."

His alarm goes off shortly after, phone vibrating loudly against the coffee table. Josh swipes it off, bouncing off the couch to the bathroom. Chris can hear the familiar click of the pill case opening and gets off the couch to get Josh a glass of water. The gesture is met gratefully, Josh standing in the doorway to his room with a shit eating grin.

"I love you." Josh stares at him as he says it, taking the glass and Chris rubs the back of his neck, embarrassed. 

"Don't just say it like that, man."

"Embarrassed?"

"Shut up." But Chris smiles at him, heat blooming behind his ribs and it's a feeling he could probably die from.


	10. Peskipiksi Pesternomi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris a bear. A large, sappy bear with a cub

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cursed a lot when writing this chapter

Josh falls asleep by 12, curved into Chris' side like a vibrating space heater. He doesn't move when Chris slides out of bed, soft snores escaping his parted lips. Chris creeps into the living room, painfully alert to every corner of the dark apartment. He feels around for his bag, knocking against the couch twice with the grace of a small monkey before he finds it near the foyer. Chris flips on the light switch near the front door, light spreading in a small range that barely touches Cooper's doorknob. 

Chris takes out two bobby pins and the screwdriver before switching the light back off. He tucks his phone under his chin, flashlight app turned on, and sets to bending one of the bobby pins slightly. He inserts it in the lock, wedging the flat head of the screwdriver inside. Chris tries to think back to high school, specifically breaking into Mr. Haggle's chemistry class after school with Josh. He does what he did then, fiddles and twists and pulls until the lock clicks.

Chris checks the silence of the apartment, the soft rustle of sheets followed by quiet. He turns the doorknob slowly, straightening up. The room smells like incense and cigarettes, blinds pulled open to reveal a soft gaze of the moon. Chris feels around for the light switch, flicking it up when he finds it.

Cooper's room is a mess. Bed unmade, desk covered in worn books. His walls are bare, covered in small holes where tacks might have been, clothes scattered about the floor with a certain intentional pattern. It reminds him of his room before he begins 'stress cleaning' as Ashley would fondly say. 

He doesn't find anything of interest among the books on the desk or among the drawers. The closet holds no secrets and neither does underneath the bed. It isn't until Chris tries to leave, defeated and feeling a bit like an asshole, that he finds what's he's looking for. Poking behind the door is a pile of clothes, a thrown together, lopsided pile of clothes. 

Chris pulls the door closed, watching the articles of clothing shift until they fall revealing a Manila folder wedged in between a spiral bound notebook and a couple loose sheets of paper. The objects poke out from underneath a denim jacket. Chris eases it aside. It's a weird place to hide homework, but Chris guesses that no one ever looks in the dirty clothes.

The notebook is a journal, detailed length paragraphs and diagrams of anatomy. The anatomies look vaguely like a human body, just longer limbs and torso, tiny words inscribed along the edges in a language Chris doesn't recognize. There are sketches of different organs lined up, each numbered in red pen. He flips through the pages, frowning as he reads what print he can. There's a section of sleep paralysis and the effect of placing impressions on sleeping minds. An article is glued to one of the pages in regards to a missing person. It looks more like a help wanted ad to a private sector. Josh's picture is on the page, an old photo from high school.

The folder holds almost nothing aside from different types of sleep aids and doses in regards to large animals. A picture of a horse sits in the crease along with blurred images of what looks to be the inside of a cave. Chris finds himself frowning deeper, unsure what to make of any of this information. It seemed like random bits of a sentence. But it was obvious to him now that Cooper knew who Josh was or at least knew about the mountain to some degree. He snaps a picture of everything and sends them to Emily, checking the loose pieces of papers for clues. It appears to be a timeline of some sorts, dates starting from last year until now. May 8th is circled. So is February 2nd.

Chris searches harder, sitting amongst the mess as he thumbs through the last pages of the notebook. The second to last is all written upside down and he has to turn the notebook around to understand the messy handwriting. Some of them are dated during the summer before Josh and Cooper met.

June 8  
found mom's journals

July 8  
studies inconclusive   
she thinks there's a connection between some archaic form of demons and mental illness  
distance is relevant, lack of success in certain cases

July 21  
I miss my dad  
This happened for a reason  
He sent me a way

Aug. 26  
medicine caused increase in appetite   
notable escalations in mood  
vision decrease, negative reaction to flesh  
sites say manipulation can be helpful 

Aug. 30  
reacted vaguely to stimulation  
positive reactions from and long term conversations with familiars  
unaffected by night terrors or increased visualization of scarring

Chris squints trying to read the smudged ink but can only make out 'skin'. He chews the inside of his lip, barely making out a small doodle in the corner of a doctor with a needle.

Sep. 8  
mom hasn't called  
keeps saying she's busy with work  
always fucking busy

Sep. 9  
balances work load successfully despite current fall backs  
sites recommend backtracking  
will consider original site for advancement 

Sep. 28  
loss of time, frequent trips to bathroom  
increased appetite, new forms of communication achieved  
Note: seems to be unaware of vocal changes  
police have shut down original site  
no sightings 

Oct. 8  
experienced first violent setback  
ripped inside of arm  
tried to take a bite out of me 

Oct. 10  
even a monster falls in love  
unable to gather conclusive information  
lack of safe space to conduct studies

Oct. 13  
I found a way I found a fucking way

Oct. 22  
I have to go home. I have to go home. I have to go home.

It was dated for yesterday and continues on like that for the remainder of the page until the words run into the edge of the paper sloppily. Chris sends the information to Emily, glancing at the hidden pile a final time before rearranging everything. He rubs his face tiredly, a headache brewing in the back of his eyes. Cooper was studying someone, something, and Chris feels like a bucket of ice water has been dumped on him. 

The characterization of an unspecified target scribbled down in plain sight. It sounded a lot like Josh, too much like Josh. Chris reaches for the notebook again and flips back to the anatomy drawings. There's a detailed drawing of an arm dissected, arteries and veins labelled in pen along with the effects of certain hallucinogens. Chris notices a diagram of a pig in the upper right hand corner with a scribbled sentence saying 'never thought of a pig'. 

However, as creepy as the impersonal, cold tone of writing was, there were no mentions of wendigos or the mountain aside from Josh's missing person article. The gangly figure in the anatomy sketches could just be a bad drawing but still, the recordings of the 'subject' left Chris uncomfortable.

Chris' phone chirps in his pocket, startling him.

Queen:  
Looks like a mad scientist's notebook

Chris tucks the notebook back underneath the denim jacket, shuffling clothes back into the corner. He flicks off the light and shuts the door behind him. 

From: Cream Pie  
So he's watching someone, studying someone  
It has to be Josh. 

From: Queen  
It seems to be likely.  
He's gone for the weekend  
I'm texting Sam  
Who is his mom?

Chris leans against the wall, bathed in the light from his phone. He stares down at the screen. Chris could show Josh the notebooks but Josh would probably resist any information that didn't come from Cooper himself. And he'd be pissed at Chris for being in Cooper's room.

From: Cream Pie  
I don't know.   
Seems like they don't talk.  
His dad is dead  
Nothing about wendigos 

From: Queen  
Stay the weekend.  
Between the seven of us we can keep Josh away until the end of the semester

From: Queen  
I don't know what he's up to or if he's even dangerous but none of this sounds good.  
Figure out when he'll be back.  
Even if there's nothing about wendigos it's still fucking creepy.   
Can't even tell you how many roommates I kicked out because they were freaks.

The light in the living room snaps on, Chris nearly jumping out of his skin. His phone drops to the ground with a sharp crack. Josh is standing next to the TV, fist rubbing his left eye furiously as the other eye squints. He fights back a yawn, watching Chris pick his phone off the floor.

"Where'd you go?" Josh wanders over to him, stopping short of the couch. He stares sleepily at Chris, scratching at his stomach through his shirt.

"Couldn't sleep. Talking to Em."

It wasn't a lie. Josh nods his head becoming increasingly alert with each movement. He hesitates, arm reaching out for Chris before retreating back to his body.

"Are you mad? Because of... I know it's not-"

"I'm not mad." Chris tells him, sliding his phone into the pocket of his sweats. He crosses the small distance between them, placing a hand on Josh's hip. 

"I thought you might be. Because of what I asked of you." Josh looks up, meeting his eye. "I'm glad you're here."

"I'm not leaving." Chris assures him, bending to place a soft kiss on his mouth. "You and me til the end." 

Josh seems unconvinced but smiles anyway, taking Chris' hand in his. He rests his head against Chris' shoulder, chattering in the back of his throat until it turns into a whistle.

"That's new." Chris comments, burying his nose into the crown of Josh's head. He curves his arms around the other's waist.

"Shut up, asshole." Josh responds but the whistling only gets louder, thrumming deeply alongside a contented purr.

"How are you doing this?" Chris chuckles, amused by the tiny trembles pulsing against his palms.

"Shut up, Chris. I'm happy. Leave me alone."

"I love you." Chris whispers, pressing small kisses against Josh's hair. "Imagine ten years later, being roomies, you and me. Imagine bein' happy with me, your best bro."

Josh's shoulders shake and Chris realizes he's laughing. 

"You're a fucking sap." Josh says, muffled. He cranes his neck, smirking up at Chris. "That's a long, long time of nothin' but me, Cochise."

"Guess I gotta start watching the bird channel."

Josh shoves him lightly, pulling away. He leads Chris by the hand back to his bedroom, flicking the light off as they pass. 

"And give up meat for life. Even though you keep hopping on mine. My meat. That's what I meant."

Josh snorts, shutting the door behind Chris before climbing onto his bed. "You got this really good stroke game. The girls from Home Ec were right."

"Home Ec? You took Home Ec in high school?" 

Chris rolls his eyes when Josh pats the empty spot beside him. Chris falls into the spot, mattress groaning with a small bounce. Josh reaches forward and slaps his ass. Chris moans into one of the many pillows. His glasses dig into the side of his face as he shifts towards a smiling Josh. 

"Yep. Did it for the chicks. I took it instead of gym."

"Ah, good ole climbing class."

Josh flicks his nose. "Gym. You coulda been climbin' a bunch of pretty girls with me instead but no, you had to impress Ashley with dodgeball. Didn't you get knocked out the second day?"

"Man, Josh, shut up. My ego." Chris wiggles closer to Josh, pressing his face into the curve of his boyfriend's stomach. Thin fingers slide into his hair, scratching lightly along his scalp. Chris sighs happily.

"You know," Josh begins, staring blankly into the room. "I never thought I'd get you. Never thought I'd... I thought I'd just be the sick best friend, the best man at your wedding to some pretty girl. But here I am. Your super cool boyfriend. Sometimes it feels like it doesn't matter, ya know, that I'm on medication or.... that I have fucking issues."

Chris hears the break in Josh's voice, looking up to see the tremble in his jaw and Josh gives an exasperated laugh when the tears start to fall.

"I'm a mess but I have you and Sam. Even fucking, Emily. I have the rest of the Mighty Foursome and some days I feel so great and amazing because you're all here for me even after all the bullshit. My sisters were gone and I felt so alone for so damn long and so angry but you're all here now and I..." Chris sits up, wiping away the tears and he cups the side of Josh's face with his hand, watching him squeeze his eyes shut as small tremors drag through his body.

"I just want to be okay. I don't deserve any of it. But I want to try. I want to try so bad. I want to get better. But it just feels like I'm getting worse. I can't remember what day it is sometimes. I can't...I..I.." Josh hiccups, covering his face with his hand. "This is fucking embarrassing."

"No it's not." Chris bumps their heads together. "Remember in high school, the first time we sat behind the dumpster at school and you brought out a flask of some expensive ass shit. That was the first time I cried in front of you. Over my mom. That's embarrassing."

"Your mom dying is hardly an embarrassing reason to cry." Josh tells him, sniffling.

"Neither is this. It's important."

"You're a sap. We're a bunch of saps." Josh laughs thickly and Chris can tell he's smiling behind his hand. 

"At least you're pretty." Chris lies down beside him, kicking at the blanket until his feet slide in. Josh rubs his eyes with his shirt, elbowing Chris in the chest as he lays down. They stare at each other, side by side, sweet silence drifting between them. It would be their last weekend in this apartment, Josh's last weekend. 

Chris' traces over Josh's face with his gaze, the slight red tint to his cheeks, eyes rimmed red and tired, that bottomless expression he always wears. Chris reaches for Josh's hand, lingering on the light discoloration that slides along the corner of his lips like a stain, the risen dark skin of a long scar. Josh inches closer. Chris copies the movement, eyes flickering back up to Josh's eyes. Josh licks his lips, closing the distance a bit more. Chris follows suit and soon the space between them is a sliver of breath. Josh leans, lips brushing against Chris' as a wide grin spreads across the face and Chris just wants to tell him how much he loves him. 

"You gotta turn off the light."

Chris sighs heavily. "Seriously?"

"Sorry, bro. You know how I am about lights."

Chris mimics Josh's tone as he begrudgingly climbs out of bed and wanders over to the light switch. 

"Man, this is bull. I'm your guest." Chris bitches. "I almost confessed my love for you."

"If you shut up I'll do something cool."

"Yeah like what?" Chris moves back towards the bed, hitting the edge with a force that has him nearly tripping onto the floor. He can't see Josh's face in the dark but he can feel the fucking smirk boring into his skin like a laser. Chris punches him in the arm when he makes it back under the covers.

"Say something."

Chris groans into the pillow. "I don't know, Josh. Beatles is life."

Josh smacks him in the back of the head with startling precision. "Try again, dick."

"Okay, okay." Chris mumbles. "I think if we have sex again my dick might fall off."

Josh clears his throat. "I think if we have sex again my dick might fall off." Josh parrots, Chris' voice filling the room. Chris sits up on his elbows, eyes narrowing in the darkness.

"Dude. What the hell? Okay, um, the microwave is on fire."

"The microwave is on fire," says Chris' voice.

"That's fucking weird, bro."

"Isn't it cool? I can't create new sentences or make my own but I can steal ones I've heard you say. Pretty nifty for when I call Ashley and ask her for a hook up." Josh adjusts in the dark, feeling Chris' face. He tugs of the other's glasses. As neat as voice copying was, it was also vaguely worrisome. 

"Dude, no. That's mean."

"You're right. 'm sorry." Josh yawns, an arm wrapping around Chris' torso. "I'll get over it eventually."

"You already won, you fucking baby." 

Josh wedges his head into the crook of Chris' neck, knees digging into his side and it's nearly as uncomfortable as it sounds. 

"I had to become a flesh eating monster then a cockatiel for you to notice me. Also lets not even begin to talk about your guilt issues. You've gotta kink, Cochise."

"Fuck you." Chris whispers sleepily, eyelids drooping. He's nearly asleep when Josh's timid voice comes from his side.

"Can we go on a date?" 

"An actual date? Like dinner and a movie? Sex-only-after-the-second-date date?" Chris inquires, giving a small exhale when Josh scratches the top of his shoulder.

"I give it up on the first date."

"You didn't even need a date and you gave it up. In my fucking car."

Josh clicks his tongue. "But you liked it. Seriously, man. Take me on a date."

"Alright, bird brain."

He listens to Josh's quiet breathing until it evens out into soft purrs and the occasional whistle. Chris rearranges them, limbs as tired as he is. He spoons Josh close, the faint scent of lavender filling his senses when Josh presses back into him, noisily making incoherent words. 

Chris sometimes thinks of how easy the past year would've been if he didn't answer Malia's phone all, sometimes gets so wound up in this fantasy of him and Ashley together and Josh is alive but they never reunite. And it's in these moments he realizes how easy it'd be to leave because Josh would let him, would let him go and figure out things on his own. It's how Josh was, how he's always been. 

But Chris didn't want easy. He wants too much cursing and being called a sap when he takes too many pictures with his phone. He wants bird songs from the shower, wants that low pleasant thrum of vocal chords. Chris wants the fights that sometimes get too bad, wants that bright, uneven smile that follows after. Alphonse would say he has some internalized reward system. If you wait and hold out you will get the sweeter ending. 

But Chris has the sweeter ending already, in the form of a vibrating humanoid space heater that sometimes gets too quiet or laughs too loud. It's all here. What he wants is all here and he'll keep it safe.

"Cochise, you've got spaghetti." Josh mumbles, rolling onto his stomach, cheek pressed into Chris' arm. He pats Chris' chest lazily, a thin string of drool trickling down his chin. Josh stills against him aside from the steady movement of breathing. 

Chris listens, to the low hum, to the occasional string of a make believe sentences until he falls asleep.


	11. Scarlet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The calm before the storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: sex scene, added '--' for those who'd like to skip c:

Chris wakes up early, two hours exactly, to plan a date. Nothing elaborate, something nice, something to keep Josh distracted but as Chris scratches out ideas he's written on a sheet of paper, he realizes he doesn't know shit about dates.

"It can't be this difficult." 

It was. Thirty minutes later he calls Matt when it becomes too much and his brain starts leaking out of his ears.

"'Sup, man." Matt answers. A TV is on in the background, gun firing raining into the receiver followed by an explosion. Chris eyes Josh's closed bedroom door.

"You busy?"

"Nah. Playing COD. You know how it is. What's up? Why have you called at" Matt pauses. "Bro, it's ten in the morning. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Josh is fine. Everything is fine. I'm planning." Chris sits on the edge of the couch. "I'm planning a date."

Matt doesn't respond, more rapid gunfire. The sound of the main menu taking over echoes through his ear followed by a small voice in the distance.

"It's Chris." Matt tells whoever the voice is. "You're planning a date? Like something super romantic?"

"Do people like that?" Chris rubs his temple with his fingers, frowning deeply. "Josh is sappy sometimes so I guess? Romantic?"

Matt chuckles into the receiver. "Have you not taken him on dates before?" 

"No." Chris answers, guilty. "Just a lot of sex."

"Oh come on, man. You and Ashley have been on dates. You've even taken Kimbel on dates." 

Chris falls back onto the couch with a groan. "I know. But she's a girl. Girls like sap sometimes. Most people like sap sometimes."

Matt sighs, fondness creeping into his voice when he speaks. "True. What does he like?"

"Outdoor sex, bird baths, making me run off the road." Chris hums.

"Josh likes outdoor sex?"

"Car sex, specifically. That's besides the point. He likes things. Wait. Film things." Chris gasps. "Film things! Thanks, Matt."

Matt snorts, amused. "Sure thing, man. Happy to help. Jess says hi."

"Tell her I said 'sup, hot momma'."

"Ew. No. Text me how it goes." He reminds Chris of Emily.

"Will do, sire." 

Chris spends the next hour figuring out what movie to see that has the Josh Washington stamp of approval. There's a small theater nearby playing Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds. It seems fitting enough with those cinematic influences Josh loves. Chris couldn't remember what it was called beyond 'German shadow thing'. 

He texts Sam for recommended bird safe places to eat. She calls instead of texting.

"You're taking Josh on a date? Your first date? You've been together for how long?"

Chris rolls his eyes. "If I wanted to be bitched at I'd call Ashley."

Sam falls quiet and Chris winces, remembering the conversation from the other day. "You okay, pal?"

"Yeah of course." Sam responds easily. "There's a shop next to that bookstore store on East. It's not a shop at all. It's a restaurant. A really, really good restaurant. Fancy bird seeds and everything."

"Sam, you would think with all this knowledge you'd be, I dunno, vegan."

Sam snorts. "I've been vegan for 8 years, Chris. How have none of you noticed?"

"Um, well- wait. What?! 8 years?!"

"Later, four eyes."

The line goes dead and Chris is left alone in the living room, mouth opening and closing. He wakes Josh up shortly after, a couple minutes before the alarm and is met with such little resistance that Chris thinks Josh might be dead. Josh pushes at his face when he moves in too close, yawning widely. Chris can see the tiny points of teeth. 

"Bro. My mouth tastes like ass you gotta move." Josh mumbles, pushing at Chris' shoulder as he sits up.

"Hurry, we got stuff to do."

Josh fixes his sleepy gaze on Chris, blinking slowly before nodding and sliding to the floor. He brushes his teeth while Chris makes his bed. Josh takes his pills when his alarm goes off, idly watching Chris busy himself around his room. 

"Where are we going?"

"To do cool things, man. Get dressed. It's cold, actual cold. Like 48 degrees cold."

Josh nods and Chris hears his phone ring from the kitchen. He makes sure Josh is actually getting dressed and not climbing back in bed before walking back into the kitchen. It's Ashley.

"Sup, baby cakes." Chris answers, grabbing his bag from the foyer.

"Oh my god. No. Chris, we talked about this."

Chris rubs the back of his neck, smiling sheepishly. He hears a groan and he turns to look over his shoulder at Josh half dressed in a pair of dark jeans, shirt caught around his elbows as he sits on the edge of the bed, yawning.

"What's up?" Chris sets the bag in Josh's room before moving back to the kitchen.

"Heard about your date." Ashley giggles. "I can't believe you haven't taken him on one."

"What do you call all those trips to restaurants and that arcade trip, huh?"

"Outings, dork. What are you gonna wear?"

Chris looks down at himself, still in sweats. "I'm channeling my inner Emily."

"What does that even mean?"

"Have you seen her this winter? She's like a majestic witch of the north, all flowy and capey. She has the layering skills of a god."

"Ah so you're wearing layers."

"Well put together layers to hide my fat."

"Chris, you've lost like 8 pounds. Shut up." Ashley huffs into the receiver. "I hope you have a good date."

Her voice is tiny. She sounds sad, lost even. Chris leans against the kitchen counter.

"You haven't talked to her."

Ashley sighs. "No. I'm being a coward."

"Need a pep talk?" 

"Actually, is, uh, Josh- can Josh talk? I feel like he'll really put things in perspective considering that when this happened with you guys, I might have tracked him down."

"Yeah, he mentioned you kicking his ass."

"Well I need my ass kicked." Ashley tells him, a smile in her voice.

Chris heads back into the room, Josh sitting cross legged on the bed in a gray flannel and vest. One of Chris' parkas is folded over his lap. Josh looks up from his phone, frowning when Chris hands him his.

"Ashley. She says it's payback time for the summer."

Josh mouth shapes into a small circle, pressing the phone to his ear and he slips off the bed, parka in hand. Chris shuts the bedroom door after he leaves, staring at his bag of clothes on the floor with some level of trepidation. He thinks of Emily, moderately distracted by Josh's muffled voice on the other side of the phone. 

This was a date. An actual date that Josh didn't completely know about but a date. The first date. Chris pats his face.

"It's just a date. You've been on them before. With girls. With girls you liked." Chris mumbles, tugging off his t-shirt. "Girls who aren't Josh Washington. Nice, pretty girls."

Chris can feel his face heat up as he reaches for a clean shirt, staring down at the plain fabric as if it holds all the answers. 

"You got this, Chris. Just a date. With a hot guy who you're dating. Yeah. Just a date with Josh." Chris thinks he might be overthinking things. He pulls on the shirt, then another before sliding into a white button up. After is a sweater, then a cardigan that may or may not be Josh's and lastly his jacket, because his parka is on his boyfriend. His boyfriend who he's going on a date with.

Chris exhales, frowning at his reflection in the mirror next to Josh's closet. He turns to the side, checking his stomach for any sightings of bulge. Chris criticizes his outfit until finally realizing that he doesn't feel like changing and fixes his hair. Josh pokes his head in, eyes dragging along Chris' form with a slimy smile.

"Dude." Chris winces.

Josh laughs. "You look good, man. Where are we going? Why are you fancy?"

"I'm not fancy. I'm in a sweater." Chris argues, looking at himself in the mirror again. "I'm taking you out. On a date."

"On a date." Josh repeats, a smile slowly forming on his lips. "You're taking me on a date."

"Can you please pretend like this isn't some amazing feat?" Chris whines. He's definitely not pouting. Josh doesn't say anything, smiling spreading wider and Chris momentarily is afraid that the scar on his face will split open. 

Chris huffs, embarrassed and blushing. He shuffles Josh out of the apartment, ignoring the charmed look on his boyfriend's face. Josh doesn't ask questions when Chris uses his GPS while driving, doesn't inquire about what side of town their on. 

He's practically vibrating in the passenger seat, eyes locking on the theater situated in the empty shopping center they just pulled into. Josh perks up instantly, back straight and he's looking at Chris and back to the theater and back to Chris. 

"Really?"

Chris parks next to a black pick up truck, taking in the empty parking lot. The theater looked run down, moderately wilting with age but Josh is staring at it in awe. The marquee reads Alfred Hitchcock, Birds. Underneath it is Sheitan. It's the only building open, the other shops around it boarded up with for sale signs in the windows.

"Dude."

"Starts in two minutes, we gotta go." Chris tells him, climbing out the car. He can't resist his smile at how excited Josh is, chatting with the attendant at the window. The girl hands them their tickets when Chris pays, Josh chirping excitedly. His face turns bright red when Chris and the girl exchange a look.

"It's nice to see someone so excited." She tells Josh. "My sneezes are a little too high strung if you know what I mean. Enjoy your movie."

"Thanks." Josh mumbles, covering his mouth with his hand. Chris grabs him by the hand and leads him inside, nodding to a man standing at the concession stand. There are only four cinemas, branching off down two different hallways. 

"You want snacks?"

"No, dude. Movie. We're gonna miss it." Josh is nudging him in the shoulder with his head. They hang an immediate right, slipping into the closest cinema door. The screen flickers white before a countdown appears starting at '4'. 

Josh leads them to the middle row of seats, tugging Chris along. He plops down, propping his legs up on the seat in front of him. The orchestra kicks up, pictures of flocks of birds flashing on the screen. 

"Thank you." Josh whispers, turning from the screen to Chris. 

Chris shrugs his shoulders, feigning nonchalance when in reality his palms are sweaty, heart fluttering into his throat. Josh rests his head against Chris' shoulder, eyes flickering back to the movie. 

Josh holds his hand through the entire thing, occasionally leaning in and describing certain scenes in great detail. He's smiling brightly, unhinged and beautiful and Chris might kiss him a few times in the middle of Josh talking but the other doesn't seem to mind.

Josh continues to ramble about it until they get to the car, hands moving with each praise. Chris can only nod, barely understanding the vocabulary Josh is using but he's happy so Chris can't really complain. 

"Are we going home?" Josh inquires when Chris starts up the car. 

"Nah, gotta wine and dine ya."

Josh chitters noisily, buzzing with excitement.

"You've been on dates before, Josh. I helped you with two of them." Chris says embarrassed by the adoring gaze Josh keeps sending him.

"Yeah, for girls. Who like different things than me. It's nice," Josh stares out the window, taking in the buildings they pass. "It's just really nice. Ya know. It's nice. I'm not about to delve into my emotions, man."

But Josh's wonder seems limitless, making a snarky comment about the restaurant they go to that in reality does not look like a shop at all and more like an ostracized grocery store. Josh orders modestly despite the fact that they both know that it won't help his appetite so Chris volunteers as resident boyfriend of the year and orders nine different dishes. When Josh squeezes his knee under the table, Chris knows the gesture has been met with gratitude. 

Their server is nice, with long golden braids that cascade down their back like a band of elegant silk rope. They have burns on their face, deep brown skin freckled with a pinkish scar that spreads underneath their left eye. But when Josh sees the burns and they notice the long, risen scar on his face and discoloration curled around it, they share a private smile that Chris can't place.

Josh eats what Chris can't finish, slouching back in his seat with a long sigh. 

"Fucking full, bro." Josh rubs his flat stomach.

"Me too, shit. I only ate half of my plate." 

"Gotta get some exercise." Josh winks at him.

Chris groans, burping into his hand. "I need some time."

"Gather your strength, my friend. You're gonna be in for a bumpy ride." Josh says in a Jamaican accent. It excites Chris more than it should because it's so bad but it's Josh. Josh. Josh. Most of Chris' life has been Josh, has been talking through panic attacks and sitting behind dumpsters at school; it's been desperate phone calls at 2am, four years of pushes to ask girls out, two years of Ashley, one year of regret, of wishing he'd gone back. 

His life has been Josh, his best friend. And it's nice to not feel the worry, the dread, the fear that Josh is disappearing.

"You okay?" Josh is spooning rice into his mouth, leaning against the table, chin propped up in his hand. 

Chris feels just fine. So fine. Great even. Great to the point where he leaves a hundred on the table despite the bill only being $34. He reaches for Josh's hand, sliding out of his seat with an insistence that suddenly flares up and Josh goes along, shit eating grin in place. If they weren't in public, Chris would probably kiss the shit out of him.

"We gonna bang?" Josh asks, tugging on his seatbelt. Chris starts up the car, leaning over the center console. He grabs Josh by the front of his flannel, crushing their mouths together and Josh moans against him.

"We gonna bang." Chris whispers softly.

"Fuck yes." Josh breathes, slouching down in his seat. "You really know how to make a guy wait, Cochise."

"Shut up, dick. You get to put out."

"And put out I will, sweetheart." Josh smirks, taking out his phone. 

The drive home never seemed so long, like this dragging snag against time that laps over and over. Josh is a shit the entire way, purposely pressing a hand against Chris' upper thigh, leaning over to whisper too close in his ear. Josh Washington is a shit. 

A fucking little-

"We are right here, Josh. Let's just get-" Chris' breath hitches, Josh's hand in his pants and they nearly fall to the floor when they manage to get the apartment door open. Josh stumbles inside, giggling as he hurriedly pulls off his cardigan. Chris slams the door shut, face flushed. Josh only laughs harder. 

"You're such a dick." Chris shrugs out of his jacket, tugging his sweater off roughly. 

"Bout to get yours sucked, Cochise." Josh's voice sends a shiver down Chris' spine. 

"Come here and suck it then." Chris mumbles, leaning back against the door. He unbuttons his jeans, watching Josh's gaze drop. Chris tugs the zipper down slowly, smirking when Josh forgets about the buttons of his flannel.

\--

"Come here and suck it, Josh." Chris repeats, tugging his dick out of his pants. He resists a groan when Josh drops to his knees in front of him, fingers already coming to rest in his hair. Josh noses the underside of Chris' dick, eyes slipping closed as his lips brush along the vein.

"Open up, pretty boy." 

Josh obeys, taking the head in his mouth with a soft moan. His tongue rubs against the slit, jaw relaxing as he sinks down. Chris watches, watches his dick disappear into Josh's warm mouth, nose burying into the hairs at the base.

"Fu-fuck, Josh." Chris' fingers tighten, pulling at the strands and Josh groans against him. Tiny jolts hang onto every nerve with every bob of Josh's head but he's moving so slow, too slow, purposely, agonizingly slow. 

Josh is looking up at him, eyes glittering and if there wasn't a dick in his mouth Chris imagines he'd be smirking. Chris releases the strands, smoothing the hair back before twisting a handful. He yanks Josh's head back. His dick flopping out wetly with a pop, tip pressing against Josh's reddened lips.

"This your way of asking me to fuck your mouth?" Chris winces at how wrecked he sounds and Josh preens underneath him, purring softly. 

"Coulda said so sooner." Chris eases his dick back inside Josh's mouth with little resistance. Josh's hand comes to curl around his thigh, throat vibrating. Chris can barely hear the low thrum of static over his own labored breathing. He fucks into Josh's mouth, stomach twisting into knots from the wet heat. Chris moves a little faster, biting his knuckle when Josh holds his gaze, palming himself through his jeans. 

"You look good. With my cock in your mouth." Chris runs his free hand along the side of Josh's face. He takes out his phone, sliding the camera on. "Smile, baby."

Chris snaps a picture, licking his lips. "Really good, Joshy boy." 

Josh moans around him, eyes fluttering closed and Chris can't stop himself from thrusting deeper in response, harder, faster and he can feel the back of Josh's throat, can feel every whimper, every moan. 

"You gonna swallow?"

Josh squeezes his thigh in response. Chris stutters into a final thrust, release ripping from his insides and he's coming with a sharp 'fuck', phone squeezed in his hand. Josh swallows, swallows the entire load, shuddering beneath him and Chris wishes he would've taken another picture but his head feels too good and too light.

\--

Chris releases his hold on Josh's hair, smoothing it back. He eases his dick out of the other's mouth, tucking it back into his pants with little thought. Josh slumps against him, wheezing softly.

"I came in my pants. Embarrassing." Josh chuckles hoarsely. "You're so hot when you're manhandling me."

"Shut up." Chris combs his fingers through Josh's hair, contently listening to the low rumble coming from his boyfriend's chest. Josh stumbles to his feet, knees knocking together. His lips are swollen, cheeks a light pink. Chris places a hand around the back of his neck pulling Josh in for a kiss.

Josh smiles against him, tasting vaguely of come and mint. He moves away, leaving Chris at the door. Chris follows after him.

"Will you send me that picture?" Josh turns to him, unbuttoning his flannel the rest of the way. 

Chris shakes his head. "That's all for me." 

"Wanna take a shower with me?"

"You're insatiable." Chris plops down on Josh's bed, falling backwards on it. "I'm gonna take a nap."

Josh appears over him, smiling softly. He's shirtless, long silvery scars exposed in the low light from the window. "I had a good day."

"I'm glad. I'm really glad you liked it." Chris slides off his glasses, rubbing his eyes. Josh places a chaste case in the corner of his mouth. 

"I love you." He whispers, moving away. Chris hears the shower cut on, the slide of the curtain and Josh's soft singing. Chris focuses on the slowly turning ceiling fan, drifting asleep. 

It feels like a second has passed but Chris snaps awake, groggy and alone. The shower isn't running and the room is dark. He sits up slowly, fumbling around on the bed for his glasses. The light in the kitchen is on, cascading a soft glow from the doorway. 

Chris gets to his feet, hobbling to the cracked bedroom door. 

"Josh?" 

There's no answer aside from the drag of a chair across the floor. A shadow cuts in front of the space and Chris calls for Josh again as he opens the door. Chris steps out into the living room, a sharp crunch resonating against his ear before the impact follows. 

Chris stumbles to the ground, blood dripping profusely down his nose and he can't see, everything a slurred blur in front of him. There's a noise in his head, a high wailing beating against his eardrum. His face feels like it's on fire, this burning flamed feeling and Chris grits his teeth. Cooper stands over him, frying pan in hand. 

"I'm sorry." Cooper sucks his teeth, tossing the pan to the ground with a loud clatter.

"I thought you'd be out a little longer."

Chris' eyes squeeze close, head pounding and he swears softly as he tries to move. He can see Josh when his eyes open again, unmoving, bound tight with thin wire on the floor near the couch. Chris' brain screams, throbbing with every thought. Josh isn't moving. He's not moving, he's not moving. 

"Josh..." Chris groans, coughing violently when a foot slams into his stomach.

"Josh isn't your concern anymore, Christopher. I read your police report from the mountain. The way you guys left him tied up in a shed. The monsters you all saw. All written down on paper. I wish it wasn't you. Wasn't him. But there's no one else." Cooper sounds so sad, so worn. "And now you're losing him again. I'm sorry. I hope you understand. I hope you can understand why."

"At least," Cooper sighs softly. "He got a good final day with you. Told me all about it when I came home. Your first date. I'm sorry it's your last. I never even stood a chance against you if I actually tried. I liked him. A lot really. Almost fucked him the first time I drugged him out of his mind but all he can see is you." 

"I guess that's what happens when you're sick but you still have people who love you. I wish I had that when I needed it. But instead I get a mom. I get a mom who never calls and a begrudging trust fund when I graduate." Cooper walks over to where Josh is, bending down and turning his face towards Chris. He's bleeding, a thin trickle of blood sliding down in between his eyes.

"Googles wrong by the way. You can't just use chants and dumb spells. You have to do more." Cooper walks back over to Chris, kneeling down, arms draped over his knees as he peers down at Chris. "You have to offer up something. Something that just happens to be your boyfriend. I want my dad back. But I can't have him. I can have my mom though. I can have this. I just have to give him back to the mountain. And then, then she'll have a reason to call. I'm sorry you couldn't spend more time with him. Didn't think the drugs I was giving him would make his sense of time so shit. But I needed to make sure they'd work for the mountain. More susceptible."

Chris winces, tears stinging his eyes and he's trying to grab Cooper's leg but he's so, so dizzy. Cooper straightens up moving away and he presses his shoe into the side of Chris' face, forcing it into the ground with a slow grind.

"No hard feelings. You only get chances like these once."

"Ill fucking kill you." Chris grits out, teeth grinding together and he tastes blood.

"It's not everyday that you find the source of your mom's obsession."

"Fuck you. You fucking-"

Cooper straightens up, stepping away from Chris. The frying pan connects with the side of his face and Chris' head snaps to the side with a sharp crack.

"Ah ah. Don't be too mad. I'm sorry, Chris. I am. But at least you have an out now. Away from us fuck ups."

Chris' head spins, pain tingling through every nerve, every pore and he's trying to move but he's so slow, still to damn slow. Hands are on him, hoisting him up and he sees Josh one last time, bound, eyes closed and bleeding. Chris sees him fail Josh one last time before everything goes black.


	12. Godspeed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Walking on sunshine

He wakes up drowsy, head resting heavily against the seat; a dulled ache creeping through his body. Fog spreads along the edges of his mind, temples throbbing with each slow moving shadow that flickers across his vision. His eyes close again, color spotting through his eyelids. 

"Oh, you're awake. We're almost there."

The voice sounds so familiar, distorted in the memories of his mind. He struggles to breathe, lungs expanding painfully to accommodate. Something soft is wedged in between his lips, something rubbery.

He opens his eyes, blinking slowly, taking in the blurred outline of the dashboard, the edge of the door handle. His body rocks with the unsteady movements of the car. A hand reaches out to him, wiping away stray tears with a gentle touch.

"Hey. You with me? Josh, Josh look at me."

Josh groans weakly, throat dry, and he's craning his head to the side. His arms are bound tight against his back, legs uncooperative with his jumbled thoughts. A small whimper works its way up his throat and dies against the gag in his mouth. He slumps in his seat, dizzy.

The hand is back, so soft and soothing and Josh thinks of Chris. His neck strains to look, angle uncomfortable and he sees his roommate, sees Cooper sitting in the driver's seat, a careful, blank expression on his face. Cooper wipes away another tear that escapes.

"My mom finally called. You were sleeping." Cooper tells him, fixing his gaze back on the road. "Funny. I told her what I was doing for her. What I was sacrificing for her. She wasn't very receptive. Said some mean things like she could justify abandoning us but I can't justify myself." 

Cooper grips the steering wheel tightly, gritting his teeth until that blank expression returns. 

"You know," he sighs, relaxing back in his seat. "You gave me the idea. You and my mom. Doctor confidentiality doesn't mean anything when your mom's never home and she leaves her study unlocked."

"My dad died six months ago. They say he misread a crosswalk but I know he knew what he was doing. He had been sick for a while. It's how he met my mom. She was his doctor."

Josh tenses, unsure of why Cooper is telling him this, why he didn't tell him the full story before. Josh wasn't all together but he had people who were, people who could help. 

"I don't hate you. What happened on that mountain, what happened to you. None of that was your fault. But my mom's.... fascination with your improvement, your exorcism drove a wedge in my family. It never stopped after your discharge. My dad lost his support system. I lost both of them. Funny how that works."

Something in Josh's mind clicks, slotting together like a missing jigsaw puzzle. He thinks back to his first time waking in the hospital, the doctor with glasses, the doctor who told him he was making progress, the one who rubbed circles into his back when he wanted to rip the veins out of her body.

"You remember." Cooper states, noting the change in expression. "My last name is Cooper. First name is Jackson. We've grown very close the last few months, wouldn't you say? I know about your suicide attempt and your sisters. You know about my dad, well the full story now. I helped you through nightmares, you helped me with my anxiety and stress. We could've been beautiful, Josh."

"Just help me one last time." Cooper's voice cracks near the end and Josh can see the way his eyes sparkle faintly. 

The peak of Blackwood Mountain glistens in the near distance, beams that hold the cable car standing amongst snow and fog. Josh's heart thumps wildly in his chest, images burning into the back of his mind. 

"Oh. I had to knock out your boyfriend. Minor injuries and probably a concussion. I... I tried to be considerate."

Hot tears line Josh's eyes and a whine rattles deep in his throat. Chris was hurt. Chris was hurt because of him. Josh tugs at his bindings, ignoring the sharp slice of skin. His cold fingers grow slick and warm.

"Ah, Josh. You're going to hurt yourself."

The car slows to a stop in front of familiar gates, covered in frost and ice and old yellow police tape. Josh wheezes, struggling harder until his head slams into the window, body falling still as he tries to keep from choking. Cooper grabs his shoulder, easing him back against the seat. Josh's head lulls to the side, chest rising and falling rapidly.

"Sorry. You've got to cooperate. Please." 

If Josh had the energy, he'd fight but everything feels so unreal and awful. It feels like waking up, likes he's finally waking up from a good dream, a really good dream where he's loved and wanted but it's finally over and reality is crushing against his ribs. 

He had a good day. He went out a date, his first date, with someone he doesn't deserve, with someone who makes sleeping feel easy, who brings him water to drink with his meds. He's a fucking mess but he had a good day.

All that warmth is gone, all he felt and is feeling is left behind and all Josh can see is snow, snow and the mouth of the mines as the mountain stretches over them like basilisk.

Josh holds onto his memories, holds on so tight his body trembles in Cooper's arms. He thinks of Mike showing up after his last class with pizza and a smile, thinks of morning runs with Emily and laughing over shitty protein shakes, thinks of Jess, warm and loving during his panic attacks as Matt talks him through every breath, thinks of red and all too knowing eyes and the way Ashley would take his hand when he all wants to do is run.

Josh thinks of Sam, all fire and intensity, a blanket dripped in earth, keeping him going, keeping him together.

When they reach the depths of the mines, amongst old bones and dark stains, the moon bright and shining through the open cavern, Josh thinks of Chris; his sun. He wants it to have been real, he wants all of it to be real.

"This is just a dream." Josh whispers when Cooper takes the gag out. 

But everything looks the same; the pile of animal and human bones bathed in moonlight, the dark patches of red stained into the earth. The uneven, jagged edges of rock that drip water. Josh whimpers softly, fear curling into the pit of his stomach.

"This is a dream." He repeats, inhaling deeply.

"Wish it was." Cooper responds, setting Josh down on the dampened ground. "You have to do it. I can't make you." 

He cuts away the wire with a hunting knife and Josh falls to the ground, starring up at that big moon. His mind is screaming, screaming for him to move while his body clams up. He thinks of Hannah and Beth, waiting on the edge of that great somewhere. The idea comforts him.

Cooper moves into his line of vision, starring down with a painful silence. He holds up a syringe, filled with a clear liquid that sparkles in the light. Josh wonders if the resignation he feels is what he would've felt if Chris never walked in on him with a bowl of pills.

He feels like a coward.

"You're giving up your family." A voice whispers in his ear, soft and knowing and it sounds like Lexi. "You're giving up and you just got them back. You just got everything back. Why are you throwing it away again?"

"I'm tired." Josh whispers. "My head hurts."

Cooper nods. "You've missed a lot of your alarms because of this." He gestures to the syringe. "Not too much for withdrawals but enough that this should be easy."

Josh looks back at the moon. "What should?"

"Reverting."

Josh didn't want to go back. He wants to stay, stay with Chris and Sam. He wants to finish his film project and see his parents. Josh was going to become a monster again, he was going to die. This was a dream. 

"It's not. This is real. You're giving up."

"Don't be a coward, Josh."

The voices sound like his sisters but they aren't here, he can't see them. He can't see them because they're buried in caskets full of bones and hair. His sisters are dead and he's better. He's better and he has a family, a family to go back to. Josh shifts his gaze back to Cooper and he feels too many emotions, too many awful feelings. He can feel the mountain, feel it slipping through the walls, through the floor, slimy and wet and it calls for him. The tears are back and he already feels so sick, so guilty. He's going to survive. He's going to survive this. He's going home, to Chris.

"This is it."

Cooper's voice rings through the mines, drowning out the voices in his head and he's moving, angling the syringe but Josh can't hear him, can't hear anything beyond the sparks crackling up his spine. There's a snarl, a God-awful screech from his nightmares and Josh forces himself to move.


	13. LGFUAD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Small miracles no concussions were given

"Chris? Chris, it's Sam. Chris, can you hear me?"

He can. He can even though her voice makes his brain churn. Chris nods sluggishly, a hand curling against his jaw. Bile burns his tongue but he forces it back down, trying to remember. Something important. Something-

"Josh." Chris cracks his eyes open, lights too bright and he slumps back. There are hands on him, guiding and easing him on his back. Josh was on the floor, Josh was tied up and bleeding. Josh was on the floor. 

He can't see Josh, Josh wasn't here. Chris forces himself to think. 

"Josh." Chris tries again, this ugly, croaking noise. He can hear voices, slurred shapes of words and some are louder than others but none of them are Josh. Tiny fingers press against his face, cold and trembling. Someone's talking to him, someone's talking to him. Chris forces his eyes open.

"My name is Dr. Webber. Can you tell me your name?" 

Dr. Webber is an Amazon of a woman, dark with a shaven head. Her smile is white and if Chris wasn't so concerned with why he wasn't in Josh's apartment he'd say she was beautiful. He's in a hospital, sitting on a gurney with a hand pressed to his head.

"Chris." Chris wheezes, fire burning on his tongue. "Chris Pullanski."

"Good. Good." Dr. Webber states, pocketing her thin pen light. She leans down, cool hands touching his face and she makes him follow her finger and rattle off random bits of information about whales. Chris knows little information except that whales are dying and he likes how beluga whales look. 

"I do too. They're kind of funky." Dr. Webber smiles. She straightens, looking over her shoulder and Chris notices Emily and Sam, both looking like they just crawled out of bed but still unnecessarily attractive. Sam turns to him, excusing her conversation from Emily and wandering over. 

"Hey. How are you feeling?"

"Does absolute trash seem reasonable?"

Sam gives him a small smile. "Yeah it does. What happened, Chris?"

Chris swings his legs over the side of the hospital bed, wincing at the ache that courses through his head. His brain feels like it's on fire.

"Cooper hit me upside the head with a frying pan." Chris tells her, massaging the left side of his face. He can feel a bandage in place. Sam shifts on her feet, frowning hard and she moves to stand in front of him. She glances back at Emily, who is talking to Dr. Webber, then to Chris.

"Are you sure?"

"Pretty damn sure. He took Josh."

Sam sighs heavily, hands in the pocket of her hoodie. Her mouth twists to the side and she's still frowning when Emily wanders over, long hair tied up in a messy bun.

"Cooper." She states simply and that seems to be enough proof for Sam. "The mountain is far from here."

"That's where he's taking him." Chris tells them, sliding to his feet. He rubs his eyes roughly, jaw sore and tender, his abdomen resisting with each movement. "We need to go."

"Should we call the police?" Emily asks.

"They're already here." Sam says. "He's right though. We need to go. He's got hours on us. Hours we might not have. Did Josh tell you? Did he tell you he kept missing his alarms?"

Chris frowns, head pulsing so hard he's afraid it will explode. "What? No. He said that he was... losing track of time. Shit."

Sam places a hand on his shoulder. "It's okay. It's alright, Chris. I only know because I've seen his pill case. Most of last week is still full which means he hasn't been taking his medication."

But she wasn't his boyfriend. She wasn't the one who had to keep on him, who had to some days fight to get Josh to even look at his pill case. A knock comes to the door, a police officer standing in the doorway. He's a small man, thin with a stern expression.

"Are you Chris Pullanski?"

Chris nods and the officer steps inside, pen at the ready along with a sheet of double printed paper. 

"I need a statement from you."

Chris tells him everything, from the 'prank chanting' phone call to Cooper's idle creepiness to drugging Josh to Cooper knocking him over the head with a frying pan. Sam and Emily listen to it with mixed emotions; Sam's righteous anger, Emily's painful acknowledgement. 

The officer, 'Dusty' his name tag reads, is attentive through it all, nodding and jotting down a couple of notes.

"You said they got along well but you always had a feeling?" Dusty asks, tucking his pen behind his ear.

"It was a nagging suspicion." Chris sighs.

"Well I understand those. I'll call my office and inform them of the situation. I already received information from the landlord in regards to the other tenant. We'll keep you guys updated on the search. Currently we have a missing person case."

"We need to go." Emily says when the officer leaves, taking her phone out of her bra and pressing it to her ear. She notices both of their expressions. "Does it look like I have pockets?"

She was in leggings. Chris shrugs his shoulder and Emily disappears out of the room. 

"What does he want with Josh?" Sam sits on the edge of the bed, staring up at Chris with a level of guilt he can't pinpoint. "We.. We just got him back. He just moved into an apartment. His first really big decision. He'll see it as a mistake. That he can't trust himself. You know how he is, Chris."

She hands him his glasses.

"He couldn't predict what happened." Chris reminds her, taking them from her gratefully. She becomes a little clearer, minus the crack in the left corner. 

"We gave him shit over it." 

"Sam-"

"What happened?" It's Mike in the doorway, followed shortly by Jess and Ashley. Chris wonders what time it is because everyone is in some form of lounge ware or pajamas. Mike has a five o'clock shadow, eyes puffy with lack of sleep. He steps towards them, appearing vaguely panicked, Jess close behind him. She looks a bit more alert.

"Cooper took Josh." Chris tells them. He hears Ashley's gasp. "Back to the mountain."

"Okay," Jess squints, lips pursing. "Let's go. Why are we still here? Matt brought his SUV. Convenient time to, I dunno, use it."

Sam's lips twitch. "Okay. We gotta get you discharged." 

"Can you get Dr. Webber?" The question is for any of them but Jess is gone before anyone else reacts. Mike stands near the door, leaning against the frame with a hesitant expression on his face that he fixes on Ashley, who is fidgeting and walking towards Chris.

"I-I can't go back there." Ashley whimpers, tears filling her eyes. "We... We left it behind. We left that awful place behind. I-I... I can't go back there."

"Ash," Sam starts but Ashley shakes her head. 

"N-no. We don't even know if they're all gone. Those.. Those things! They tried to eat us, we almost died." 

"Then stay." Chris tells her. It comes out harsher than he expects. Ashley flinches back, eyes wide and startled. Chris almost apologizes but he doesn't. He's tired, he shouldn't feel this exhausted and over everything but he is. He's over the mountain, over the wendigos, over not being able to do anything while the people around him dissolve into nothingness. He's over Josh leaving.

Ashley fixes her large eyes on him, tears sliding down her cheeks and her bottom lip trembles.

"Chris-"

"I'm not leaving him again. I can't." Chris thumbs away warm tears, looking to Mike and he's nodding towards him. "He's all I have, Ashley."

"Let's make up for old times." Mike says, straightening. 

Sam places an arm around Ashley's shoulders, giving her a reassuring squeeze. She places a kiss against her temple. "Just stay here. We'll keep you updated."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Ashley sobs into her hands, shoulders trembling and Chris exchanges a look with Sam. She nods, moving over towards Mike.

"It's okay." Chris grabs her hands, shushing her softly.

"This is so shitty. Everyone. Everyone is going and I'm the only one who won't go. Of course. Me, the ex girlfriend." Ashley snatches her hands away from him. "You love him... You love him so much that you'd go back to that fucking place. I-I could never compete with him. Even before all this. He dragged us through hell and you forgave him. So easily. He stepped back into your life with barely a hello and you forgave him. Who can compete with that?"

Chris isn't sure what to say, what to feel when all he can think of is how he's wasting time and how he's completely sick of hospitals. Ashley seems to read him, tiny hands curling into fists at her side and she takes a step back, tears streaming down her face. 

"I'm not over what happened. I'm not over what happened between us. I'm not over watching Josh get sawed in half in front of me. I'm not over anything!" Ashley's voice trembles. "You're all over it but I'm not. I'm not. I can't be when I haven't forgiven him."

"Ashley," Sam takes a step towards them but Mike grabs her arm. She looks up at him, frowning and Chris thinks she might angry with Ashley. But Chris understands where Ashley's coming from. He's been there. He's been on the other side of the frustrated crying, the one shouting. Just it wasn't at her. It was at Josh. Josh who isn't here, Josh who might not come back from the mountain a second time around.

"I'm sorry, Chris." Ashley reaches for his hand.

"I have to go." He's running out of time. Chris moves away from her, heading to the door. Dr. Webber appears with Jess, expression disproving but she hands him a discharge form anyway.

"You need to take it easy. You don't have a concussion. Miracle. But you can still hurt yourself, understand?"

Chris nods slowly and she smiles, straight teeth and white. "Good luck."

Chris wonders how much Jess told her or if Jess told her anything but Dr. Webber seems so knowing, so wise that Chris thinks of Alphonse. She heads back down the hall. Jess hands him a pen. She shoots Ashley a questioning look that's only met with more tears.

"I don't have time." Jess sighs, turning to Sam. "Em's on the phone with the Washington's. The police put out a search warrant for Cooper. Did you know his first name is Jackson?"

Chris shakes his head, signing his name easily. "How is this relevant?"

"Chris, Josh's doctor was named Cooper. It can't be coincidence." Jess stresses, pursing her lips. "She was the doctor he had before and after his exorcism. Not that that helps us now. But... We need to leave. We have to get him. The police will only do so much."

Jess is leaving, Chris trailing after her. Mike follows behind him, leaving Ashley and Sam alone. He claps Chris on the shoulder.

"Let's get our guy back."

Chris nods his head understanding the significance behind the words. Mike also had a lot to make up in regards to Josh, they both did but they were doing good, doing great. 

Sam joins them halfway through the ER, hands in her pockets and she looks pissed but determined. Chris can feel the adrenaline radiating off her body.

"How did you guys know?" Chris realizes he hadn't talked to any of them besides Matt earlier in the day and that was only to ask about dates. Mike raises an eyebrow at him. 

"Jess heard about the date. She was trying to watch the action afterwards. Orgy night part two."

"Nice." Sam snorts. "Wait, when was the first orgy night?"

"You fell asleep." Mike and Chris say in unison.

Sam levels them both with a glare that sends them both into a fit of laughter. They shouldn't be laughing, shouldn't be able to talk so easily when Josh has been snatched away from them, again. But going back feels easier than Chris could ever imagine, feels like the collective movement of a snake. 

"Think we blew up the rest of the wendigos last time?" Sam asks when they reach Matt's SUV.

Chris hesitates. "Pretty sure."

"Pretty sure." Mike agrees easily. "If not. We have hairspray and lighters but let's not think negatively."

"Hairspray?"

Mike shrugs, tugging open the passenger seat. Emily glares at him, Matt sitting in the driver's seat and Mike groans before slamming the door shut.

"Not even fair she gets shotgun." Mike grumbles, opening the back door. 

"She called the parents." Sam reminds him and Mike concedes almost immediately. The way is too familiar, too long just like anything in regards to the Washington's. Everything was ice and snow and too far out estates. Chris wonders if they could find Josh, somewhere in the mines. If they'd find Josh or just a body that looks like him. Chris idly hopes they'll find Cooper alive, not only so Chris can knock the shit out of him but so he'll know, he'll know that the mountain hasn't taken Josh back.

Sam grabs his hand, squeezing hard. 

"We aren't failing him another time."

They share a look, one they've shared before in regards to Josh Washington but it's the second time Chris feels like they're on the same page, feels like they aren't running from a ticking time bomb waiting to see who will trip first.

"We're getting Josh back." Sam whispers, determined and fiery and Chris understands why Josh loves her the way he does. 

"We're getting him back."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't know if police procedures were accurate. #yolo


	14. Dahmer's Creme Soda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh is a (not) strong, independent wendibro who don't need no wendi-co

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone who celebrates Thanksgiving.  
> Happy Time and A Half for you working kids.  
> Happy Free Food Don't Touch That Pie for the rest of ya. 
> 
> I am thankful for you guys and unnecessary angst. Also my cats who are assholes.

They place bets, lighthearted tosses of thought to diffuse the tension spreading through the car. There had been no sightings of wendigos from the press, the same press that excused them of trying to kill the 'Washington Bloodline' but sometimes you have to dig a bit deeper to find something awful.

Jess is quiet in the third row, phone clutched tight to her chest. Mike has an arm around her and Chris can tell they're scared, they're terrified. He can't see Emily or Matt up front aside from the backs of their heads, but they're holding hands. 

Sam has her head on his shoulder, arm linked with his. She shakes every so often. The first two hours were great, fueled with boundless energy that had fizzled and died within the third hour. Now they sat in painful silence, watching wet plots of earth become covered with snow. The determination was still there, still lingered but in reality if it were anyone else, Chris is sure they'd turn around.

"We're almost there." Matt speaks up and the air seems to shift. Sam straightens, Jess places a hand on Chris' shoulder. 

"We should talk." Mike sighs from behind him. "It's no use going in to this unsuspecting. Communication."

"It would be better if," Sam pauses. "only two of us go into the mines. Just... just in case."

"I'll go." Chris says as if it weren't obvious. Sam squeezes his arm.

"I'm going to."

Emily turns around in her seat. "We could check the Estate. Well what's left of it. The basement is still in tact for the most part."

Chris nods. "Ok. There aren't any cell towers."

"I have walkie talkies in the trunk." Matt supplies, holding up a thumbs up.

Jess chuckles softly from the backseat. 

"This isn't the end. Stop acting like it is. It's going to be easy. You can only go through so much in your life. We get another five years before we get more shit."

Mike scoffs from behind them. "She's right. I'm going to collect my ten dollars. From each of you."

"Shut up, Mike." Matt smiles in the rear view mirror. It comforts Chris, the banter, the idea of a plan. All he can think about is getting Josh back and bringing him home, along with the ending song from High School Musical but he's not going to be the one to bring that up.

Chris can see the mountain, laid behind a thin layer of white gloss. It seems darker than before, lifeless. Sam tenses beside him, unhooking their arms as she inches forward in her seat, grasping the edge of the door.

The last thirty minutes are the quietest. A collective silence envelopes them, all eyes fixed on the peak of the mountain that disappears into a haze of clouds. They're expecting a lot of things when they reach the gate to Blackwood, expecting the cold walk to the cable car, expecting to split up; Sam and Chris heading down to the mines while the others trudge back to what's left of the lodge. They're expecting that familiar, awful shriek or awful silence. Expecting to find Cooper and Josh.

What they aren't expecting is Josh. Josh alone. Josh standing alone in front of the gate, in Chris' anime pullover, shivering, face flushed and red- 

"There's blood on his face." Sam gasps, yanking at the door handle well before Matt stops. The car slams to a halt, Chris tripping over the frame as he stumbles out. Sam close behind him. 

Josh is staring into the distance, teeth chattering noisily and there's blood, so much blood on him. It's smeared along his mouth, soaking the front of Chris' pullover. His bare feet are dirtied with red and dirt, legs covered in small cuts.

"Josh!" 

He turns to them, blank eyes clearing and he's smiling, widely. Chris takes his face in his hands when he reaches Josh, checking the irises for that familiar milky glaze, checking his teeth. Josh sighs against him, broken chittering coming from his parted lips, eyes sliding closed. He smiles when Chris kisses him, blood and all.

"You came back." Josh mumbles happily.

"Duh, you dumb ass." 

"They said you'd come." He whispers, tears welling in his eyes. "They... The-They said I had to m-make sure you c-could find me."

Chris wants to ask who but Sam is crowding against them, prodding and checking for the same things Chris checked for. She gives a shaky laugh.

"Josh, where is Cooper?" Sam touches Josh's shoulder, the sounds of doors slamming closed ringing through the air. Josh blinks, staring up at Chris and Chris knows, knows whose blood this is.

"What happened?" Chris asks softly.

"I-I listened to your voice. The microwave. I listened to i-i-i-t-t.. It. I listened to it over and over in the mines-s-s." Josh grasps the front of his shirt, teeth chattering louder and Chris tries to move him towards the car, towards warmth but Josh refuses to budge.

"The microwave is on fire." Sam jumps, alarm evident on her face and she studies Josh carefully.

"I-I-I couldn't remember. H-how you s-say I love you. I couldn't-t. But I remembered that."

"Josh, we have to get you in the car. You're freezing." Chris tells him, wiping some of the drying blood from Josh's mouth. "Did you swallow any?"

Josh shakes his head. "They said not to. Beth and H-Hannah. Said it was bad."

Sam shrugs off her jacket, wrapping it around Josh's shoulder. Chris gives her a thankful smile, securing the jacket in place. Sam rubs her arms roughly, glancing back at the car where the others wait. Emily on the phone, Matt gesturing to them while talking with Jess and Mike, who begins walking to them.

"Josh," Sam starts, licking her lips. "What happened to Cooper?"

Josh looks down at the ground, watching tiny droplets drip onto the snow capped ground. He turns to Sam, head cocked to the side.

"He's dead." 

Sam clasps a hand over her mouth, fingers trembling as she pulls Josh into a tight hug. Chris stands to the side as the others file in, huddled close around Josh, hugging and making relieved noises. And Chris just stands there, heart thumping in his chest until flashes of red and blue flood his vision.

The police search the mountain, barely getting to the entrance of the mines when they find Cooper, find the roommate. Josh doesn't say anything through it all, standing close to Chris, Sam on his other side. Chris takes Josh's hand, looking at Sam over Josh's head and they know. They both know. Josh grips his hand painfully tight.

The two officers that come back are pale, one violently heaving into the snow.

The paramedics check Josh out, make him remove the disgusting, stained pullover. They check his vitals and run whatever tests they can from their ambulance, Josh compliant and silent the entire time. He locks eyes with Chris briefly before he looks away. Chris thinks he might've seen regret and sadness in that gaze, along with grim acknowledgement.

Mike wanders over to where Chris is standing, hands tucked in his pockets. 

"The police said the body might've been dragged out."

Chris makes a noncommittal noise, fixated on the officers that wander over to Josh.

"They said it looks like a bear attack."

Chris can hear Sam from somewhere behind him, on the phone with the Washington's. His fingers feel numb. He wants to know the full story, wants to know how that's possible. The officers came back from the mountain, alive; they came back and said it looks like a bear attack. Which could only mean one thing. 

Chris grinds his teeth together. "What should I do?"

Mike glances at him, shrugging. "For now. You wait. We'll wait too." 

Josh is taken to the police station, where no one can see him and the group has no choice but to sit in the waiting room until it's all over. Sam makes the others go home, Emily promising to be back within the next couple of hours.

It's a grueling, two hour process that eventually ends with Josh being released to his parents and Cooper's mom showing up at the station, eyes wild and frantic. Chris doesn't recognize her, but he can see the resemblance. She exchanges hushed words with the Washington's, tearful apologies that are met with hesitation and distance. Her son is dead. Josh is not okay.

Sam leans against Chris, head on his shoulder, dozing off as he's left alone with his thoughts, watching the entire muted exchange. Josh refuses to look at him, his dad's jacket folded under his arms. The dark circles under his eyes seem infinite, brown skin pale and there's a small tremor in his stance that Chris wishes he could kiss away.

Malia notices Chris and Sam, moving over to them while Cooper's mom and Bob talk lowly, Josh still between them, staring intently at the cement floor. Malia takes Chris' hand, clutching it tightly in her small hands.

"Thank you."

But he didn't do anything, didn't do a single thing at all. Josh got himself out the mines, got himself down the mountain. Josh. Alone. Not Chris. Josh who won't look at him, Josh who turned another human being into what police are calling 'the worst bear attack they've seen in years'. Chris had only seen Josh under minimal amounts of stress but he knows how Josh is on a bad day, on a 'good' bad day. He still hadn't seen Josh's worse. He didn't know there could be a worse. 

"What happens now?" Chris asks her.

Malia gives him a sad smile, tired and loving and it's the look of a mother on the verge of losing everything all over again. It's a look he knows well.

"What happened?" Chris clutches her hand tightly, searching her face for any sign, any answer.

"It's all very anticlimactic." Malia tells him. "There's only one way this story can go."

She reminds him, then, of Alphonse. Malia steps away from him, heading back over to her family. She kisses the top of Josh's head, curling an arm around his neck. The attendant at the desk calls for Cooper's mom, a police officer standing near the open door leading to interrogation rooms. 

Bob nods towards Chris, mouthing 'thank you' as he steers Josh towards the door. Sam's head feels like an anchor lodged into his back. He can't move. Josh is leaving, the arms of his parents wrapped around him. Josh is leaving and not looking back.

"Josh!" Chris calls, the other Washington's responding with a unanimous head turn but Josh continues, head hung low and he's losing him. Malia doesn't smile when she turns away, but Bob gives him an apologetic look that feels almost as worse. 

Emily arrives at dawn, vaguely pissy but otherwise pleasant in waking Sam up from Chris' shoulder and shipping her off to the car. Chris hadn't try to help, just stared at the floor analyzing the situation and where exactly it left him.

Emily places a hand on the side of his neck, leaning down. She rubs her thumb soothingly along the back of his ear. Chris looks up at her.

"He didn't say anything." 

"Just give him some time."

It's words he's heard before, not from her, from others, from Alphonse, from Josh. Chris has given Josh time, has given him an expanse of half a year when they weren't together. He kept his distance, sowed up his hurt like a casualty freight train and waited. 

Emily smiles, warm and small.

"Just need some time." 

Chris sighs, closing his eyes and nods. He wasn't doing Josh any favors by becoming another smothering asshole, wasn't doing himself any favors either. But it feels, feels so awful to give someone space when all you want is them. 

"I waited a half a year."

Emily clicks her tongue, tugging on his ear lobe. "So wait again or don't. Josh didn't try to kill himself this time. Something happened on the mountain. I think we all know what happened and distance might be good until he's ready to come back. You just have to be here for it. Giving up isn't the same as giving someone time, Chris. You can still be his best friend from afar. Remember that's what you were to him before you started sucking each other's dicks."

Chris scrunches his face up. "You're so crass sometimes." 

Emily straightens up, tossing her hair over her shoulder. "That's what they say. Let's go. I have a midterm at 1."

"Yes, mi'lady." Chris huffs, rising to his feet with a yawn. "Thank you."

Emily shrugs her shoulders. "It's what friends do. We're all friends, Chris, jesus. Glad I could help your pasty ass. In the mean time, I think you should go on dates, see the sights. A half a year is a long time for pent up sexstration."

"Please don't say that ever again."

"See? Better already."


	15. The Boy King

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What the inside tastes like

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've cursed a lot these past 8 chapters, jesus

"What happened on the mountain?"

Josh stares at his feet, bare and clean with healing cuts along the skin. He stares at his feet, heart ticking with the seconds of the clock. 

"I blanked out." Josh responds.

Alphonse shifts in front of him. Josh doesn't look up, noting the difference between his pale feet and the hardwood floor.

"I blanked out after I heard it."

"The screech?" Josh nods slowly in response.

"Josh, it is possible that there weren't more wendigos in the mines. In the notes Cooper kept he often discuss the lack of sightings or any conclusive findings."

Josh nods his head. "I was alone. When I woke up. Nothing was there."

Alphonse clicks his pen. "When did you come to?"

"After. In one of the tunnels. It felt like someone was watching me, something. I could feel it on me. These..." Josh swallows, bringing his knees to his chest. He stares blankly, bandaged arms wedged in the crevice of his lap. He could feel hands grasping at his skin, trying to peel it off; trying to replace his insides with dark, slimy tendrils. "I could feel them."

"Joshua."

Josh looks up, Alphonse's overly formal tone earning his attention. Alphonse gives him a small smile.

"You must understand that just because you have improved doesn't mean you will not susceptible to negative influences."

"Cooper said something like that. He said I'd have to do it myself."

Alphonse folds his legs. "You'd have to consume flesh in order to succumb to the wendigo spirit. Or intense amounts of greed. However, back to the topic of your black out, it's also possible that you were able to recreate the screech from memory."

"Then that means I really did kill another person." Josh smiles humorlessly. "Will it happen again?"

Alphonse raises an eyebrow at him. He seems to know what Josh is asking but expects Josh to voice his own concerns. Josh chews on his bottom lip.

"The blacking out. The ripping people apart."

"I suspect that's why you decided on being readmitted." Alphonse tells him, scribbling on his notepad. "You said you felt intense desires to live, to survive whatever danger you felt presented with. It could be, in your moment of weakness the mountain took hold. But it could only do so much."

"Or another wendigo."

"Which we both seem to feel is unlikely."

Josh nods, pressing his forehead to his knees. He wandered those mines alone with only the voices in his head to keep him company. They had told him not to go back to the cavern but he ended up there, staring down at puss and bone and blood. Cooper had talked to him to, in that moment, telling Josh to eat, to finish the job.

"Did you eat any?"

Josh shakes his head. "No. He climbed on me and tried to make me eat but I wouldn't. Beth said not to."

"You had very serious withdrawals, coupled with the tranquilizers and hallucinogens your previous roommate used. Your story does not surprise me."

"He said it was an easy decision to drag me back there. Because I told him... about Hannah and Beth."

Alphonse nods. "Given current history, I suspect he thought it'd be a an even trade. His mother," Alphonse glances at an open file on the desk beside him. "Angela Cooper, was your primary doctor during your first hospital stay. She oversaw your exorcism and the improvement in your health. In exchange for your life, the spirit would repossess your body and you'd move on to be with your sisters. It is likely he assumed you'd simply die and the wendigo would remain for his mother to further study."

Josh's eyes slide closed. "Coop said, she became obsessed with it. And abandoned their family. His dad killed himself."

"Did he think, perhaps, that turning you into a wendigo might help his mother come back home even if it meant his potential death? After all, you spoke with her at the station about her son. He was a very troubled individual." 

He didn't talk to Angela though. His parents had, readying their stifling heated defenses against any other harm she could possibly do. Josh only heard apologies and possible studies, different treatment plans to test the theory that Josh was still Josh. 

He checked his teeth in the mirror every day, waiting for the scar on his face to rip open and sprout more awful, gnarly fangs. He waited for the incessant hunger to spike back up and dull his sense of self until it overtook him. It never happened.

Josh shrugs. "I don't want to talk about him anymore."

"Of course. What would you like to talk about?"

Nothing. Josh didn't want to talk about anything. Not his time in the mines, not his roommate, not the fact that he's back in a fucking sanitarium because he's scared of falling asleep. He doesn't want to talk about anything.

"Did you know Christopher has continued his sessions with me?"

Josh's head snaps up. "What?"

"This is a complete violation of doctor patient confidentiality as you know." Alphonse smiles. "But he has been seeing me for a month now."

"H-how is he?" Josh straightens in his seat, feet dropping to the floor. "Has he said...anything?"

"I can't go into detail because I have a certain level of tact. And at best, the confidence of your previous boyfriend."

That part stings. Josh grips the arms of his chair tightly. Alphonse notices.

"For what it's worth, Josh, he's getting better. I suggest you do the same." 

Josh doesn't dream that night, veins pumped so full of drugs he can't fully remember falling asleep either. It's his life for the next few weeks. He doesn't make nice with the orderlies like last time or sit in the common room playing chess. Instead he draws, holes himself up on a recliner in the corner of the room and draws. Some times he draws Chris, bright like sun, or Cooper, an outline in fog.

Cooper's mom, Angela, visits him sometimes, without his parents knowledge. It's painful at first, she mostly cries, sobbing about how sorry she is and Josh is stuck, kinda watching and feeling inexplicably guilty but then she steadily becomes more and more aware of the situation beyond the kidnapping. 

"I buried him today." Angela tells him.

Josh fidgets, uncomfortably. He's unsure of what to say, what to feel when her actions led to her sons actions which led to him being here, alone, without his friends or his boyfriend. Ex boyfriend. Josh wants to blame her but he can't, not when no one blamed him for his indirect actions that led to the first incident on Blackwood.

Josh realizes she's still talking.

"- I'm sure you don't care to know. But I am sorry for what's happened to you, Josh. I'm mostly to blame. How have things been going?"

Josh squints at her. "Fine."

"How have treatments been?"

"I haven't sprouted any unnecessary limbs or teeth so I take it as a win."

"That's good. I'm.. I'm happy that there seems to be no lingering effects that might further set your progress back."

Josh shifts in his seat. "You sound surprised."

Angela looks down at her lap, giving a small sigh. "It was possible. For... You to relapse under certain conditions."

"What do you mean?" Josh straightens in his seat.

"You will always have lingering effects from when you weren't human. Side effects usually happen for a reason."

"What are you saying?"

"Cooper read my journals, my trials with you. Ignoring all the tidbits about how exorcisms could help mentally ill persons. I wrote that there was a possibility that under close proximity and influence that the mountain could easily creep back in but the spirit can't stay. There are conditions." Angela explains, gesturing with her hands. 

Angela pulls a pin out of her hair, dark brown curls tumbling down her shoulders. 

"You told me before about the two rescue volunteers you ate. You said you remembered but barely. This is a similar situation. You're not capable of killing a person, Josh. You may not value your own life but you value other people's." 

Josh stares at her, stares at her for the remainder of her visit, unmoving and silent. He mulls over her words.

"So what you're saying is-"

"I'm saying there always negative aspects. You're far away now." Angela smiles sadly. "Stay away. It doesn't mean your life is over but I'm happy you are thinking of those around you."

"But... I don't want it to happen again." Josh barely recognizes his own voice, cringing at how frightened he sounds.

"It won't. You're strong. Otherwise you wouldn't have come back, Josh. I don't think... my son expected things to turn out the way they did. But I know," Angela's voice trembles. "He knew he'd potentially die."

Angela places a hand over her eyes, thin lines of tears sliding down her hollowed cheeks. She stops breathing for a second, shoulders shaking. 

"I'm glad that you're doing well. Most start seeing signs after day 2 but you've been here for weeks so you're okay. I'm so glad you're okay." Angela whispers.

"I'm sorry... About- I'm sorry." Josh stresses, tucking his hands under his knees. "I'm so, so sorry."

Angela wipes under her eyes, giving Josh a watery smile. "No, sweetheart. I'm sorry for what my actions put both of you through."

Angela doesn't come back for visits after that and Josh's days become the same fluctuating panel of white walls and his parents. He asks to be taken off the medicine that helps him sleep and Alphonse helpfully expedites the process of altering other necessary dosages. 

"You feel ready then?" Alphonse inquires, standing for once besides his luxurious desk.

"I feel like I don't have a choice. At this point I'm just hiding."

Alphonse smiles and Josh closes his eyes.

When Josh opens his eyes he's standing besides Cooper- what's left of Cooper, staring down at the shredded, stretched body beneath him. He can make out the familiar nose, the gleaming dark eye left behind. 

Josh flinches away from it, arms wrapping around his torso and he can hear it, the blood. It's a sound he hadn't heard in so long; one he used to guide him through the thick forest, to the elk, to food. 

Josh shakes his head. "Not food."

But it could be if he just reaches out and takes it, it could be. Josh sneaks a glance at the disfigured body, the disfigured body that's scraping itself back together and sitting up slowly. 

Cooper cranes his head to look at Josh, left eye missing, lower jaw swiped clean off his face. Josh screams, scrambling backwards. He stumbles, falling back hard onto his elbows. Cooper drags himself towards him, small clicking noises escaping his open throat.

He grips the front of Josh's pullover, sliding his wet, broken body over his shaking limbs. Josh can feel the sting in his eyes, the faint smell of decaying gore and he has to grind his teeth together to keep from breathing it in.

A bloodied finger presses against his lips, a gurgling noise coming from Cooper's chest. He coughs violently, heaving thick drops of blood onto Josh, who stares up at him, mouth gaping in horror. Cooper works his upper jaw, eye twitching and he's speaking.

"You promised you would help me." 

Josh cranes his head away, face scrunched up, tears sliding down his cheeks. Cooper presses down on his chest, shimmying atop of Josh's waist. He reaches up, ripping a piece of red muscle from his insides. Cooper presents it to Josh.

"You said, 'we'll get through this and figure out a way to get your mom back'. You promised, Josh. Eat up."

Josh resists, clawing at the ground as he tries to wiggle out from underneath the other. He can feel sharp bones digging into his legs, dragging along his skin like thin razors. Josh tries to breathe but the air is putrid and sour.

"Josh. Don't you want to see your sisters? You said you did. You said you'd give anything. You weren't strong enough last time but this time you are. I made you that way."

"N-n-no. This is a dream. This is a dream." Josh whimpers, squeezing his eyes shut, and Cooper shoves the dripping flesh against Josh's pinched lips. He can taste it, just barely, his body at war with itself. It's wrong, it's a person, it's a once living person. But it could feel so nice, buried deep inside him, could feel so perfect.

"It's funny. The people you want to see are dead and the person I want to notice me is alive and here I am, dead. Relatively speaking. The least you can do is fucking eat, Josh."

The wet tang of the flesh shifts along his lips, Cooper's insistent hands coming to grasp his chin and they're making him open his mouth, they're inching it inside, this moist, aching-

Josh startles awake, as he always does, clutching his pillow tightly with one hand, the other clamped around his mouth. He cries, tiny fitful sobs into his mattress. His eyes are swollen and red the next time he's sees Alphonse, Josh still doesn't want to talk about it.

His dreams get better after, more of his sisters, more of his sisters coaxing him out of the mines with memories and their lovely laughter. Dreams of waiting outside the gates with a blank, fuzzy mind and blood on his feet but he's going home, gets to go home. He thinks of Chris after, unable to forge his voice from memory beyond the microwave. 

Josh wishes he would've made Chris say something more meaningful, but his mind is jumbled by the drugs and he can't remember anything beyond these useless syllables. Chris could tell him new words. If Chris wanted to.

"I left the police station and he called for me but.. I couldn't. I couldn't turn back. I had done something awful." Josh stares up at the ceiling of Alphonse's office. "He was so happy to see me at the gate but I knew he knew what had happened when he looked at me."

"You said Samantha also seemed to know."

Josh rolls his head on his shoulders, bone popping in softly. He studies his knuckles. 

"She did. But it's different."

"How?" Alphonse coaxes.

"I don't know. Just is. It's how it's always been. Sam is different. She sees me differently than Chris does. I feel... like she knows me. Chris does too. In a lot more ways than her but with Sam sometimes there are no words."

"Do you wish you would have turned to her during your sister's disappearance?"

"I tried to. But it was hard. I wanted to be alone. Most of my life was Beth and Hannah and suddenly," Josh tucks his chin into the palm of his hand, legs dangling over the side of the arm chair. "They were gone. Sam tried. I tried. But I didn't want it."

"It seems you're doing the same thing with Chris now."

"It's what I do. I did this last time too, after my suicide attempt." Josh reminds him but it doesn't seem like the wise man ever forgets anything. Alphonse raises an eyebrow at him, lips twitching into a smile.

"He waited last time."

Josh turns away, studying the bindings of books situated on the desk across from him. He doesn't know if Chris would wait again, wait through all of Josh's unnecessary bullshit. But unlike last time, he'd be okay if Chris didn't. He owed him that, owed him a life free of the mountain.

"What if I don't get better? What if secretly I'm being eaten from the inside out and the spirit possessed while I was on the mountain?"

"Conditions." Alphonse reminds him. "Plus. We would've noticed. You've been very lucky. I imagine not too many people can come back from a second seduction of a wendigo's persistent call. 

Josh nods, glancing back up at the ceiling. The low swooping arches, grazed in glass by tiny chandeliers. Their candle holders are empty, blown away with time and left untouched, forever stopped at a dull blackened end.

"I don't think it's hit me yet." Josh says. "The fact that the person I lived with for three months tried to kill me. Or that he's dead. I don't think... it's hit me."

"It will. Once these quarreling feelings have passed."

"Alfie, do you play monopoly?" Josh asks, fighting for a change in subject. 

Alphonse chuckles deeply. "Sometimes. With my grandkids."

"I didn't know you had grandkids."

"They are my late daughter's children." Alphonse tells him. "Unfortunately, they are ghost hunters."

Josh cracks a smile, beaming in Alphonse's direction. "You don't believe in ghost? You? The exorcism guru? The 'spirits can fight you' guy?"

Alphonse seems amused, Josh can only tell because they've met so many times. But his white eyebrows will shift slightly up and the whiskers of his mustache with smooth out with a light breath. 

"I believe in evil."

"Aren't they the same thing?"

"Not if you choose to believe someone you love has moved on."

Josh bites the inside of his cheek. "How did your daughter die?"

Alphonse's eyes sparkle. "A bear attack. It's why I do what I do."

Seconds come and go, Josh staring at Alphonse, Alphonse staring back, ever amused. Josh turns to him fully, feet touching the cold floor. 

"Do you think I'm evil?" 

Alphonse shakes his head.

"Why not? I've killed three people now. Ate two of them, almost ate the third."

"But you didn't." Alphonse responds easily. "I'm glad you're here, Josh. I'm glad you are strong."

Josh almost smiles. "I'm glad you're my psychiatrist, even though it's kinda fucked."

"I'd have it no other way. Plus. I enjoy watching you throw blushing fits in regards to your previous relationship with Christopher."

Josh absolutely does not blush. "N-no! Hey! You can't tell him that ok?!"

Alphonse raises a hand, wrinkled and dark, like his face and he gives Josh a smile.

"Scouts honor."

Josh glares at him, ears burning. He bets Alphonse was never even in the Boy Scouts.


	16. 70%

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being thankful for being alone

Two weeks fly by but time seems to have stopped. He's finished his Baymax and accepted an A+ because "I liked the decomposition idea you had" seems like a good way of justifying that Chris isn't doing too well and everyone knows it. He goes to class, finishes midterms and sits in his apartment until thanksgiving because it's all he really wants to do.

"Get dressed." Emily is in his apartment, without his permission, violating all sacred shades of personal space. Emily is in his apartment, ripping the place apart as she hunts down what she seems to be a reasonable attire.

"Moping isn't helping. Moping isn't helping him. Let's get you laid."

Chris goes with her easily, two layers away from an actual human being. They end up at a snobby social wine tasting that leaves Chris wishing he would've stayed home with a beer but he meets a girl, Veronica, and she looks like Josh, minus the scar, add ten inches in hair and a dimple. Emily leaves him with an eye roll at his awkward responses to Veronica's blatant flirting. Veronica finds it charming and they end up in her luxuriously ridiculous two bedroom apartment where Chris leaves an imprint or two on different pieces of furniture. He doesn't call, she doesn't mind.

Chris begins to leave his apartment more, visiting Alphonse twice a week instead of once and they both consider it progress. 

"How was your date?" Kimbel inquires, sipping her latte."

"It went ok. He was..." Chris searches for the word. "Interesting."

Interesting being the first ten minutes in and Danny is already telling him about the different tarantulas he had housed in a nest above his bed, along with the fact that he sleeps naked frequently.

"As in bad." 

Chris cringes. "It didn't go well."

"Chris!" The barista calls from the counter, holding an Iced Caramel Frappe with Extra Whip Cream, hold the sugar, extra espresso (Kimbel laughed really hard when he ordered). 

Kimbel pats his shoulder soothingly, turning from the counter as Chris reaches for his drink. She freezes beside him and Chris opens his mouth to ask what's up, when in mid turn he sees him, sees Josh Washington standing at the register with a girl Chris doesn't recognize. 

Josh looks good. Looks really, really, painfully good. His hair is a bit longer, bit messier, tucked into a dark beanie. The shadows still linger along his eyes but only seem to sharpen that familiar, crooked smile. He's in black and a flannel that's sleeves have been rolled up to his elbows, unbuttoned and wrinkled with a olive jacket tied around his waist. On anyone else it'd be stupid, it'd be awful and uncoordinated but on Josh it's an effortless combination that makes Chris choke on his spit.

Josh notices him, eyes brightening in recognition and there is a hesitance, slight and gone as soon as it comes and Chris realizes it's his decision to acknowledge.

"Hey man." Chris greets casually when the two make their way over to the take out counter.

"Long time no see, Cochise." Josh responds easily, voice silky and velvet and Chris has to hold himself in check because why. "And the ever outrageous, Kimbel."

Kimbel smiles into her coffee. "Who is your friend?"

Josh motions to the girl beside him, pretty and smiling with thick red dreads. "This is Collie."

"Like the dog." Collie explains. 

"Nice." Kimbel takes a sip of her drink. "I had a Border Collie but she died from ovarian cancer."

Collie clasps a hand over her mouth, horror etched over her face and she's responding, she's responding but Chris isn't paying attention, completely focused on the way Josh leans against the counter, hands tucked into the pockets of his jeans. 

"How have you been?" He asks quietly.

Chris shrugs. "I've been okay. You?"

He wants to ask who Collie is, what she is to Josh but it's none of his business, not anymore, not since Josh walked out of the police station without looking back.

Josh gives him a lopsided grin. "I've been okay, man."

"Josh! Cauline!"

Collie curses. "Every time." 

Josh chuckles softly, reluctantly turning away from Chris back to Collie. "You even said like the dog this time."

Chris wonders how many times they've come here together.

Collie sighs, a small smile on her face. "Guess it'll never matter. It was nice meeting you guys."

Josh glances back at them. "Yeah. Good seeing you, Cochise. Kimbel." 

Kimbel nods, cup still at her lips and she's looking at Chris, who's watching Josh walk away with a pretty girl whose name is like the dog. Kimbel takes his wrist, pulling him through the crowding line and outside. Chris stares into his frappe, whip cream dissolving into a white film.

"You don't know if they're anything." Kimbel reminds him. "You don't know if Josh is ready. This was by chance, Chris. Space. Look at me."

He does.

"Space."

Chris breathes shakily.

He bitches to Emily about it later but Emily promptly bitches him back for being a baby and tells him to go suck a dick, so he does with a guy from his tech class who doesn't remind him of Josh at all, too tall, too muscled. 

Chris goes through the motions, the inexplicable sadness, the freeing idea of not having to worry about someone else's problems, the guilt follows shortly after. It wasn't Josh's fault he was sick or a post wendigo survivor with violent yet rare tendencies. He goes through the phases, hangs out with kids from robotics with Kimbel and visits Alphonse.

"So have you figured anything out yet?" Kimbel asks him, lounging on his couch. She's in one of his button ups, belly and bra exposed to the living room as she plays Skyrim on his TV. Chris shrugs from where he sits on the couch.

"You?"

Kimbel shrugs as well. "It's hard finding people who just want sex. In high school everyone wanted sex and now everyone wants to settle down. I can't fall in love, it's not how it works for me."

"It's hard finding people when Josh Washington exists."

They both sigh. Kimbel plays a bit longer, Chris watching idly from his seat on the couch, her feet tucked under his thighs. Kimbel pauses the screen, facing him, eyes narrowed into thin slits.

"What?" Chris asks her.

"So. If you're hung up on Josh and I just want sex, why can't this work?"

Chris stares at her dumbly, mind slowly parting through her words. Kimbel sits up, hair falling around her shoulders and she's setting the controller down and moving towards him.

"I don't care if you can't love me. I can't love you back anyway." Kimbel tells him and it clicks together. "Get it?"

"Yeah." Chris swallows, focusing on her red lips. She leans in, Chris following suit and he slides the button up off her shoulders, slipping his hand along her back for the clasps of her bra. 

He ends up with Kimbel after the first month of trying with other people. In reality, Emily said he should date but Chris just ended up having sex with a lot of different people. Kimbel and Chris weren't together, just conveniently placed pieces on a board that decided to give it a whack. 

Chris did a lot of comparisons at first; where Kimbel would kiss him on the cheek in public, Josh would hold his hand. Where Josh would sigh, Kimbel would laugh. It was very different. Their relationship was very different, too open and sometimes too loud but it settled any anxiety Chris held. 

He did a lot of things, met a lot of people during his one month of Emily dragging him around, but ended up with Kimbel on his couch, rather than Danny or Vanessa, because Kimbel couldn't feel beyond a platonic relationship and Chris had to emotional constipation of a lobster. It worked. 

Regardless. Chris had dated, had gone out with the kids from his tech class and saw Alphonse. He hadn't talked to Sam since the incident, nor Ashley even though Ashley tried. But he knew Sam and Josh kept in close contact because Jess bitched about it often. He tried and he felt and now he waited with Kimbel and her easy, constant laughter.

Chris could probably love her, if he didn't love Josh. It'd be easy. They had almost dated before with Kimbel constantly reminding him that she can't return any feelings that happen and they were almost dating now, minus the lovey dovey and more of the sex in Chris' apartment. Chris still makes comparisons, small ones, like how easy it is to sleep through the night when no ones radiating pure heat against your skin, like how he could chose to eat meat now because no one he hangs out with is vegan and how he misses the soft noises Josh would make throughout the day when his apartment is too quiet.

He doesn't see Josh after the run in at Starbucks. He wishes he would, wishes for a month that maybe, just maybe he'd catch a glimpse of Josh on the street. Christmas was blinking on the horizon and Chris wishes he'd see Josh just once. 

He doesn't. Kimbel buys him alcohol when he's sad and it's good. 

For a moment it's good.

He's with Kimbel when he gets the call. It's a familiar called ID that pops up on his screen, Claire De Lune playing softly in the quiet of his apartment. Kimbel hits him lightly in the side when the ringing continues, tugging his blanket over her head with a groan. Chris smiles at her hiding form before sliding from his bed, setting down Josh's copy of Frankenstein in his place as he picks up the phone.

Chris wanders into his living room, closing the bedroom door behind him. He sits on the edge of the couch, watching with a beating heart as Malia Washington's picture flashes on the screen. Chris answers.

"Hey."

It's only been three months since he heard Malia's voice, two months since he actually saw Josh. But he's not expecting strange news like last time.

"Hello, Chris. I trust I am not interrupting anything." There's a slight playfulness in her tone that causes Chris to smile.

"No way. Just here. At the casa." Chris slides back on the couch, shifting the receiver from one ear to the other. "Did Josh ask you to make this call?"

"He did. He was too nervous to do it himself." Malia responds easily, the slight lilt in her tone suggesting she's trying not to laugh. "He gets very worked up over these things. I'm sure you know."

Chris does. He understands very well. He's known Josh since grade school. The bedroom door creaks open, Kimbel's squinted face poking out between the frames. She runs a hand through her long hair, fingers snagging in a tangle halfway through. Kimbel groans and disappears back inside with an eye roll.

"Company?" Malia inquires.

"Just a friend." Chris tells her.

"Josh will have his own questions to ask in regards to that then." Malia sighs, a smile in her voice. "If you have moved on, I expect you to be brutally honest with my son, Christopher. It's better not to sugarcoat things wouldn't you say?"

"I agree." But he hasn't moved on, he's been waiting patiently, once again for Josh to stop being a self hating jackass.

Kimbel stumbles back into the living room, in one of Chris' button ups, hair wet and tied up. She gestures to the phone and Chris shrugs, waving her off. He receives an eye roll and a smile before she wanders into the kitchen.

"What time can I swing by?" Chris asks.

"If you'd like, you can see him today." She tells him. 

"I'll see you in an hour."

"Very well. We'll see you soon." 

The line clicks off and Chris continues to sit on the couch, reveling in the familiarity of it all. He can hear pots knocking together in the kitchen before the apartment falls silent. 

Warm hands press against the side of his face, Kimbel's head coming into his line of vision. He snorts.

"What is this? Spider-Man?"

"It can be." Kimbel giggles, pressing a kiss to his nose. "Lemme guess. You finally got the call."

Chris feigns ignorance. "Which call?"

Kimbel staightens, smacking him lightly upside the head. She rounds the couch, plopping down in the middle. Chris can see the tan lines on her upper thighs when she crosses her legs.

"The dreamy boy is back and he's ready for some loooooove." Kimbel sings.

Chris chuckles softly. "Is it bad if I'm nervous?"

"No way. It's cute."

"I saw him at Starbucks with you so this shouldn't be that big of a deal."

"Yeah but that's not the same, ok." Kimbel tells him sternly. "Dreamy boy is back so that means no more sex for me. Which is sad. Your dick game is so good. How many girls did you have sex with in high school? I know you were boning Josh most of last year but is it like the same? Who-"

"Oh my god, stop." Chris hisses, face heating up. "

Kimbel snaps her fingers at him. "Hey I'm the one losing out on good sex okay? Let me have this."

Chris blows into his fist, craning his head away as Kimbel continues to go on about penises and circumcisions and how nice she bets Josh's dick is-

"Stop." Chris whines, covering his face with a hand. "I have to see him. I have to actually physically see him. Unnecessarily attractive. In person. I cannot be thinking about his dick, Kimbel."

Kimbel wiggles her eyebrows at him. "Oh but you can."

Chris shoves her lightly but she only cows over with laughter when she sees how red he is. He's going to miss this. This, whatever it is. They were still friends though. Minus other inappropriate acts. 

"What if it's bad?"

Kimbel shakes her head. "Impossible. Just tell him all that sappy home shit. You used to get all dreamy eyed and sloppy and just talk and talk about him."

Chris groans into his hands. "That's embarrassing."

"Don't you have to drive there? Get dressed, dumb ass." Kimbel orders, pushing him off the couch with her feet. "Wear those black jeans. Makes your ass go boom boom."

Chris closes the bedroom door behind him, settling against it with a heavy weight. He breathes, slowly in, slowly out as the full realization hits him. Chris goes over the conversation with Malia as he dresses, taking in the similarities from the first phone call that happened almost two years ago to the one that just occurred. 

He feels nervous, ridiculously jittery and it reminds him of their date, their first date. So Chris layers to impress, thinking of Emily the entire time. Kimbel whistles when he resurfaces, using her finger to gesture a 360. Chris spins slowly, hands tucked into the pockets of his parka. It still smelt like Josh, lavender and winter chill. 

"Nice." Kimbel snaps a picture from her phone that she pulled out of god-knows-where. Chris rolls his eyes.

"I'm off."

"You are. I'm staying the night. Keep the apartment safe. I'm assuming you're not coming back." She say with a wink.

"I'm leaving." Chris says curtly, embarrassed, moving towards the door. Kimbel hops up from her seat, tagging along behind him. She watches him lace up his boots, her face pleasant.

"I'm happy this is happening for you."

Chris turns to her, a hand on the doorknob. "Yeah, me too. Thank you. For everything."

"What are aromantic pals for? Some for sex, others for comfort. I'm for both." 

Chris laughs, smiling softly. He tucks a lock of hair behind her ear. "Thank you."

Kimbel blushes cutely, sucking her teeth. "Go get him, dumb ass."

Chris leaves with her blessing, the image of Kimbel standing in the doorway from the rear view mirror following him down a familiar road, one he hadn't bothered to drive near for three months. It's all very familiar, the phone call, the quiet drive to the Washington's, Sam sends him a text instead of calling this time and it's all the same as if nothing changed since Malia called him after the first Blackwood incident, but everything has changed.

The gate wasn't down on the side road that led to the Washington's, no obscured camera surveying his every move. The thick trees part along white pavement, rose bushes neatly trimmed in the center garden, leaves swept away.

Chris parks along the side as he always has, feeling settled in his skin as he makes the short walk up the polished marble stones. The dead flowers in the pots have been removed completely, the places where they sat swept clean.

He rings the doorbell, waiting only a beat before Malia greets him, still fairly thin and proud but her eyes are warm, are welcoming.

"Hello, Chris."

"Long time no see." He wonders if anyone else notices the similarities, notices how they all come back to the same place.

"I'm sure you know the way." Malia says as she steps aside for him to walk in. The house is a pleasant temperature, windows open wide to the winter snow. She leaves him in the foyer, moving slowly towards the kitchen.

Chris continues alone, taking the path down the side hall, paintings replaced, curtains pulled aside to bathe light against the creme walls. Josh's bedroom door still remains devoid of personality but it's cracked open this time, instead of closed. 

The windows are shut in Josh's room, floor clean of drawings and books, desk a chaotic order of art supplies and journals. His bed is neatly made but Chris can still see the tail of a blanket sticking out from underneath. Chris sighs, mouth pinching into an exasperated smile. 

Josh, as usual, is no where to be seen so Chris heads out through the patio door. He finds Josh, leaned against the railing, eyes focused on the frozen water before him. He's in a baggy tank top, arms bare to the cold, and sweats. His hair is still a bit longer, beginning to curl at the ends. Chris is momentarily awestruck, the image of Josh staring across a wide lake, so at peace and okay enough to make him want to weep.

Josh turns to him, fingers lacing together as his hands dangle over the railing, eyes bright with deep shadows, the ghost of a smile fluttering across his lips and it feels like everything Chris has been missing, like everything these past 3 months means nothing, spending Thanksgiving alone is nothing because Josh is in front of him. It feels like he's come home, a thick wad of emotions swelling into his chest.

He was ready, ready to make Josh understand that this is the last time he'll be able to push Chris away but he can't speak.

Josh straightens, swaying slightly as he turns, elbows braced against the railing. He smiles slow and crooked and lovely and Chris aches to kiss him, choking on any words he tries to say. Josh cocks his head to the side, smile still in place.

"Hey, Cochise."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoooooop there it is


	17. Permanently Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You remind me of a babe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoop whoop there it is.  
> We are the most complete, the most done ever. I just want to thank you guys who have stuck by through this entire work. I appreciate it. I feel like you're all my babies but I'm also a baby so I gush over all the comments. <3
> 
> Warning: added '--' for reasons, I think you guys know c; 
> 
> Part three is officially over.

"Hey man." Chris responds a few moments of silence later, gesturing to the patio door with his thumb. "You're, uh, mom called."

Josh nods lazily. "Yeah, she did. That's why you're here."

Chris shivers as a biting wind flows by, tucking his chin into the top of his jacket. He gives Josh a once over, noticing no reaction to the cold. Josh straightens, hands in the pockets of his sweats and he wanders over to Chris, dark eyes narrowing slightly.

"You're cold." Josh mumbles, reaching up to touch Chris' face. He cups the other's cheek softly, hot fingers spreading warmth along his skin. "You didn't have to come out here. I would've come in eventually. Can't hide forever."

Josh heads back inside, grasping the end Chris' parka sleeve to pull him along. Chris allows himself to be shuffled back into the warmth of Josh's bedroom, cheek tingling from where Josh had touched. Josh sits at his desk, back pressed against the surface, legs folded in the seat and he's watching Chris, watching with barely concealed curiosity.

Chris shrugs off his parka, then unzips his windbreaker. He folds them over his lap as he sits awkwardly on the edge of Josh's bed.

"How was your thanksgiving?"

Chris shrugs. "You know I'm not a fan of holidays. I watched Bad Milo and played Little Big Planet."

"That's kinda cute, bro." 

"Shut up, dude. What did you do?" Chris asks, looking at Josh.

"Spent it with Alfie. Well, most of it. We've been working on my... issues." Josh answers carefully, lips parted around a lingering thought. "I'm trying to handle my guilt. Some other, yadda yadda. That's not why I called you here. It's not like you don't know how awful I can be."

"Why didn't you call? Instead of your mom?"

Josh props an elbow on the back of his chair, leaning his chin into the palm of his hand. He doesn't look at Chris when he answers.

"Seemed easier to do."

Chris studies Josh carefully, the tense line in his shoulders, the nervous tapping against his knee. He sets his removed layers beside him on the bed and rises to his feet. The heat of Josh's room is nearly suffocating. Chris grabs his sweater by the corner, pulling it over his head and laying it on the growing pile. He can feel Josh's shifting gaze so he keeps shrugging off layers until he's left in a button up and a shirt.

"It's not my intention to keep pushing you away." Josh admits quietly, focusing on the floor. "It's... You say things. You talk about ten years from now as if I might still be around. Not to... be negative or anything. Just being realistic." Josh folds his hands in his lap, peering up at Chris through long lashes. "I like you a lot, Chris. A whole lot. But there are more healthy candidates for you to spend time with. I.. I haven't been suicidal in a while but just because I'm okay now doesn't mean it will last. Not to mention the wendigo thing."

Chris' opens his mouth to speak but pauses, scrunching his nose up as he processes his thoughts. The first is that Josh is a fucking idiot.

"When are we going to move past this self depreciating 'I don't deserve nice things' mind set?" Chris slumps back down on the bed, hands on his knees. "We've been through this twice, Josh. Twice. I already told you, bird brain. You're stuck with me. Unless you don't want to be. Then you have to speak up, Josh."

Josh rubs his shoulder miserably. "That's not it."

"Then what is it? I've already accepted the fact that you're on medication, that you've tried to kill yourself four times now since I've known you and that you have terrible, awful fucking fits. I've experienced a handful of them. We've been through this." Chris sighs, rubbing the corners of his eyes roughly with the edge of his knuckle. "I can't fix you, Josh. I'm not trying to. I'm.. I'm just here. I'm here for you. You're my family. You're also an idiot."

Josh huffs out a laugh. "I'm capable of awful things. I've done... really bad things. I've killed people, Chris."

"Under the influence of some evil badass that is holed up on a mountain. I'm not necessarily scared of you ripping out my jugular at night."

"But I could." Josh tells him, frowning. "I-"

"No." Chris cuts him off, on his feet without remember moving. "You're literally pulling bullshit out of your ass because you're scared."

"These are valid reasons for us not to be together. Valid reason for me to be scared, Chris." Josh argues, nostrils flaring and he's standing now. "You're my best friend. ..You've ....helped me through so much shit. The least I can do is.. protect you from more bullshit. My bullshit. I'm fickle and nervous and I have so much anxiety I want to puke all the time. I... I don't want you to eventually hate me because I'm not working properly and you've wasted your life on me."

Josh's fierce glare softens, drifting from Chris' face to the ground. He folds his arms over his stomach, shifting his entire weight into his left leg. Chris can see the conflicting emotions in his face.

"Do you want to be with me?" Chris asks softly, placing a hand on Josh's forearm.

"Yes. Yes I do so bad but I see you.. I see you with other people, normal people and I.." Josh's voice cracks. "I become so self aware of how not normal I am. I'm not okay, Chris. Sometimes I'm not even people safe."

There are tears in Josh's eyes, frantic tapping against his forearm where Chris' hand is resting. Chris takes a step towards him, earning a startled head shake. He takes another step, Josh squeezing his arms tighter along his abdomen. Chris reaches out his other hand, thumb lightly brushing along Josh's trembling chin. He cradles the side of Josh's face, thick rough scar tissue pressing into his palm. 

Josh's brow furrows, eyes widening and he's searching Chris' face with a panicked expression. Chris leans in, slotting their mouths together. Josh stills briefly before melting into him, a whine deep in his throat, hand sliding along Chris' collar. Lips parting against his, Chris slips his tongue inside, tasting mint ice cream and tea and he's missed this, he's missed this so much. Josh reacts instantly, the hand on Chris' collar fisting the front of his shirt, mouths working against one another in slow movements. 

The dulled teeth are mostly gone, tiny pinpricks of angled bone but Chris still runs his tongue along them in wonder at how far they've come, how far Josh has come. Josh shudders against him, moaning softly when Chris hoists him onto the desk. The chair knocks over, some art supplies falling to the floor but Josh doesn't seem to notice, fingers nimbly working on the front of Chris' button up, tiny beats of static filling the room. 

Their lips part briefly, Chris yanking his button up off. He groans in annoyance when his sleeves get caught around his elbows, Josh's mouth latched onto the side of neck, distracting and too damn warm. Chris manages to get the garment off, pushing at Josh's shoulder until he's leaning back on his arms, crinkling papers underneath his palm. Josh tracks his movements vaguely, lifting his hips when Chris reaches for the waistband of his sweats. Two tugs later they're off, along with his briefs, discarded on the floor and Chris is wedged between Josh's legs, grasping the soft skin of his thighs, coaxing Josh's mouth back open.

Josh obliges, snaking his arm around Chris' shoulder, bodies pressed tight together. Chris slides a hand under Josh's tank, grasping sharp angles and burning skin.

"Do you keep lube in your desk drawer?" Chris mumbles breathlessly, yanking open the first compartment. Josh nods, biting his lower lip as he unzips Chris' jeans. 

\--

"How many people did you sleep with?" Josh asks softly, slipping a hand into Chris' boxers. He wraps his hand around the other's dick, giving a slow pump that has Chris bucking up with a curse. Chris finds a thin bottle in the second drawer, popping the cap off.

"I don't remember." Chris admits honestly, coating his fingers thoroughly. "How many did you sleep with?"

"Five." Josh whispers, tugging Chris' dick out of his boxers, wrists twisting with a steady stroke. Chris grits his teeth, kissing Josh roughly and Josh smiles against him. Chris presses a hand underneath Josh's knee, lifting and angling the other's leg wider. 

"I made comparisons." Chris tells him, slipping his index finger inside. Josh sighs, licking his lips as a chirp leaves his mouth. If he were Kimbel, he'd moan, all feminine and deep. But Josh wasn't Kimbel. She could never burn up his insides the way Josh does.

"Me.. ha. I did t-too.. Fuck, Chris." Josh gasps when Chris adds his middle finger, grasping the end of his tank. He lifts until he can see, expression dazed as he watches Chris' fingers work in and out of him, penis throbbing and red against his stomach. Chris adds another, nudging Josh's face with his head. Josh glances back up at him, making small 'nng' noises in response as he bites his lips.

"You're very, very quiet." Chris remarks, taking Josh's lower lip in between his teeth.

Josh purrs against him, curling a hand around the base of Chris' neck. "We're at my parents house. Can't be loud."

"Kinda hot. Me fucking you in your parents house." Chris smirks, inserting another finger and Josh bites into the back of his hands, a high moan dying against the skin. 

"Bite your shirt, baby." 

"Don't call me pet names. Makes me feel weird." Josh whimpers, taking the end of his tank in his mouth anyway. 

"I think you like it, sweetheart."

Josh shivers beneath him, eyes half lidded and he's moving against Chris' fingers with tiny, muffled chittering. Chris removes his hand, using any excess to slick himself up and he presses against the tight ring of muscle, placing a soft kiss against Josh's forehead before slowly inching inside.

Josh tenses up, the hand on Chris' throat tightening. He chews at the piece of tank top in his mouth, inhaling sharply though his nose, other hand bracing himself against the desk. Chris angles just so, grasping Josh's hips to move him closer and Josh arches, low needy noises barely escaping the cloth in his mouth when Chris settles fully inside. 

"Feel good?" Chris licks his lips, taking in the teary eyed nod he receives. "You feel real good, Joshy boy?"

Josh sniffles and nods, eyes red, moving to tug his shirt out of his mouth but Chris intercepts it easily, taking the thin wrists in his hand.

"Nuh uh." Chris tells him, the pulsing heat enveloped around his dick driving him nearly insane from not moving. He slowly slides out to the tip, before snapping back in. Josh's eyes flutter closed, thigh muscles tensing underneath Chris' hand so he does it again and again until he's steadily focusing on a rhythm. He holds Josh's leg angled to the side, grasping the back of his other thigh with a free hand. 

Chris wishes they were at his apartment or maybe his car so he could hear the sweet noises Josh is making, could fully see the blown expression on Josh's face. But he takes what he can get, takes Josh holding the ends of his tank top in his mouth with muted moans, skin flushed red, nostrils flared, eyes narrowed and smoldering, static buzzing from his chest and Chris is tired, tired of not being able to see these expressions whenever he wants to. Tired of not being able to see Josh. 

"I love you." Chris tells him, pressing their foreheads together. Josh brushes his nose against Chris', tears escaping down his cheeks. Chris slows his thrusts, hips rolling with strained patience and Josh chitters happily.

"I love you." Chris repeats.

Josh releases the balled up edges of shirt in his mouth, breathing heavily, and he crushes their lips together, tears smearing along Chris' skin as he hold Josh's face in his hands. They kiss, fast little smacks of need until it slows and slows and Josh grits his teeth, Chris still steadily working inside him with slurred intentions.

"I love you." says Chris' voice from Josh's mouth. Josh kisses him again, lingering against the chapped skin. He smiles wordlessly, tiny, strained moans dying against Chris' lips.

"Show me how much you missed me, Cochise." Josh purrs, voice velvet and deep and it sends a jolt straight to Chris' dick. He eases back, replacing the wet, balled up ends of his tank back into his mouth, cheeks aflame.

Chris hikes Josh's knee up higher, adjusting ever so slightly, increasing his pace. He kisses Josh's clothed mouth when the other's eyes slip closed, muffled keening puffing into the fabric. Josh's hand on his throat slacks, nails digging into the skin. Need coils along Chris' belly like hot coal, pooling at the base in a flood of dark warmth. Chris watches Josh wrap a hand around his own erection, giving two half assed pumps and he's coming in between them with shaky limbs, dropping the shirt from his teeth and it's beautiful, watching Josh fall apart, Chris not too far behind him biting his release into Josh's shoulder as Josh clamps down around him, milking pulses of Chris' orgasm out. 

\--

They stay there, pressed close, both panting softly, Chris placing small kisses along the teeth marks in Josh's shoulder as trembling fingers run through his hair. 

"You're it." Chris whispers, kissing his way back to Josh's mouth. Josh nods his head, mouth smiling and wet when he kisses back.

"I'm serious, Josh. You're it." Chris tells him, angling his head to the side. Josh nods again, still appearing blissed out but coherent. 

"Okay. Okay." Josh responds, voice scratchy. "Thinks that's just the sex talking, man."

Chris flicks his temple. "No, dickweed. You could be a sex repulsed asexual and I'd still want your boney ass around."

"This is the last time." Chris tells him and Josh actually looks up at him. "This is the last time I'm waiting for you. So if you want me, you have to say it. But if not. You'll still have me, man. As your bro."

A beat of silence stretches between them, Josh staring at Chris with a closed off expression. He places a hand over Chris' heart, feeling the slowing race of his heartbeat. Chris is still settled inside him, growing nervous with Josh's silence. 

"Okay." Josh says finally. "Okay. I want you here. With me. Through everything. You're it for me too." 

Chris breathes, lungs sighing in relief and he's not sure how long he held his breath for. He leans in, placing kiss after kiss on Josh's mouth until the other is shoving his face away with a shy smile, long resonating purrs escaping his mouth.

"We should take a nap."

"Think I may marry you some day." Josh muses with a snort and Chris tries not to think of how those words affect him.

Chris tugs himself out, carefully watching the involuntary tremble work its way through Josh's body. He lifts the tank top over Josh's head, tossing it to the floor with little resistance. Josh slouches against the desk, wiping the come off his stomach with Chris' shirt. 

"Real fucking sweetheart."

"Thanks, Cochise." Josh grins as he continues wiping.

Chris strips the rest of the way, somewhat self conscious of his stomach but Josh doesn't seem to be paying attention to anything, climbing down his desk and into his bed. 

"My ass hurts." Josh grumbles, curling around a pillow.

Chris snatches the blanket out from under the bed, joining Josh shortly after while draping the comforter over both of them. Josh invades his space as soon as Chris settles, instant furnace warming the entire expanse of the bed. 

"You should move in with me." Chris yawns, taking his glasses off. "You can be as loud as you want and I haven't thrown out that nasty fucking artichoke dip you made me buy."

He sets them on the nightstand, jumping a bit when Josh's face is in his. Josh inches closer and Chris shrinks back, frowning and confused but then Josh is settling on his chest, arms folded under his chin, purring. Chris pretends he didn't miss this sound.

"I get overwhelmed easily. I'm on four medications now. I can't eat meat. I have been prone to experience violent fits. I have a fear of dark, wet places and shallow water. I don't like crowds. I flirt a lot. I will ignore you for film projects. I'm not very good at juggling multiple tasks at once." Josh says, tucking his chin into his arms. "I like sex. I don't like crowds. I get headaches a lot. I have been told that I am a rabid cockatiel." 

"I know all this." Chris says, scratching behind Josh's ear. He smiles when Josh's eyes close, the purring turning into a rumbling chitter. 

"There will be bad days. Really, really bad days. Still want me?"

"I have for a while now, yes. Have I not been clear?" Chris yawns again, adjusting Josh onto his side. "Me saying I love you isn't clear enough? What about my dick inside you? Clear enough? No take backs."

"Are you sure?" Josh asks hesitantly.

"Yes. I don't just drive down to mountains to rescue someone only to be upsized by said kidnapped person for everyone. I have standards. And sometimes morals. Maybe some pride." Chris grunts when Josh nudges him in the stomach with his elbow as he moves. 

"I love you." Josh searches for his hand under the blanket. When he finds it, he laces their fingers together, staring intently at Chris' bare chest. "I love you."

Josh raises his head, making eye contact.

"I love you."

Chris groans into his free hand, cheeks hot and he could probably die from the intensity in Josh's face. He feels embarrassed, really really embarrassed but also really, really good. Josh nuzzles the back of his hand, all heat and vibrating and adorable and Chris feels really, really fucking embarrassed.

"I'm going to take you on another date. No fucking roommates this time."

"Okay." Josh smiles against him. "I love you."

"I love you too." Chris sighs. "This is embarrassing, why are you so cute?"

A knock comes to the door, Chris tensing up immediately and he pulls the blanket over his head in time with the click of the door. 

"Oh gross. Found a bunch of gays." Sam makes a gagging noise, closing the door behind her.

Josh groans. "Boo, you lesbo. We were having a moment."

"You finally decide to stop being an incessant ass?" Sam asks pleasantly.

Chris pokes his head out. "Yes."

He hides back under the covers when he notices Josh's glare. The bed dips at the end and Josh is sitting up with a sigh.

"I explained all the dangers of being in a relationship with me. Resident Bird Boy." Josh tells her. "He still persisted."

Chris resurfaces briefly, batting his eyelashes at Josh when he looks down at him. Sam chuckles lightly. 

"I told you that's how it'd go. I'm glad he hasn't given up on your dumb ass, especially after the Cooper thing. Chris might be a lame but he's the kind of lame you need. A balanced lame."

"A balanced lame in every box of nerds."

"I'm right here, guys."

"Noted." They say in unison.

Chris sits up, pouting and slightly grumpy because he wants a nap, preferably a nap with his new new boyfriend. Minus Sam. Or with Sam but he doesn't think she'd mind the fluids. Josh bumps his head against Chris' shoulder, taking his hand underneath the blanket with a light blush. 

"Adorable." Sam coos, snapping a picture with her phone. "Now get dressed. We're having 'orgy night' part two at Chris' apartment."

Chris frowns. "I was not apprised of this."

"It was a unanimous decision in case you two ass faces were still being idiots and we'd have to lock you together in a closet again. But now that you've, um," Sam clears her throat. "sealed the deal. It's officially orgy night."

"Have you talked to Ashley?" Josh asks because Chris definitely wouldn't.

"I have. Briefly. A lot more kissing than talking though." Sam explains and Josh makes a face.

"Gross."

"I'm literally looking at come on a desk right now, please, child, you cannot even begin to speak to me about gross."

Josh concedes and Chris slides out of bed, nude and all. Sam appears unfazed, somewhat impatient when she looks at her phone. 

"You and her are going to talk."

Josh falls back on the bed with a groan. "No. I don't want to talk to your bi-curious girlfriend ever. We aren't friends."'

"Josh, come on." Sam smacks his leg underneath the blanket. "It's time to settle this thing."

"No, Sam. I'm not going to force something unnatural. She doesn't even go here." Josh whines, rolling onto his stomach.

Sam turns to Chris, who shrugs halfheartedly. Her bottom lip juts out, eyes rounding with faux tears and Chris knows it's a trap, knows it's all fake and glamor but it's Sam so still he sighs.

"I'll let you take a shower with me if you talk to Ashley." Chris offers, rounding the bed to where the pile of clothes lay.

Josh perks up. "You were going to shower alone?"

"Yeeeeep." Chris drawls, swiping up moderately clean and come free articles of clothes from the floor. Josh pouts.

"But.."

"Ashley."

Josh folds his arms, mouth curving to the side like a petulant child. "Fine."

Sam cheers, clapping her hands twice. Chris gestures to the bathroom and Josh bounces after him, Sam still unfazed by either of their nudity. She rises from the bed and moves to the patio door, wrinkling her nose.

"Fifteen minutes. And so help me, I will come after both of you." Sam threatens. They both nod in unison, Chris hooking an arm around Josh's waist when she turns around and closes the door behind her.

Josh grips Chris' hand before they enter the bathroom, vaguely pointed teeth peeking out from the part in his lips. He shifts from one foot to another.

"Are you sure?"

Chris bends down slightly, pecking him on the mouth. "Yes."

"Ten years?"

Chris shrugs. "Probably twenty."

Josh smiles, twisted and gorgeous, eyes creasing in the corners and he's blushing again. It feels like the last, like the end of Josh running away. Josh would probably doubt him on bad days, would make him say it over and over on good days. Chris just wanted to be there for all days, preferably until Chris dies.

"Dude, we have thirteen minutes. I don't want to die." Josh says, moving into the bathroom, the sound of shower cutting on. "Let's go. We don't have all day."

But they did. They had the day and ten years, more than likely twenty years. It could be nice, it could be perfect. Chris can hear Josh whistling from the shower, whistling fucking Abba. He joins him with an eye roll, immediately regretting his decision to shower together when Josh hogs most of the hot water. 

"You're a dick." Chris says, drying himself off with a soft towel when they're finished. He wipes his face furiously, tensing up when a hand touches his stomach. Chris lifts his face from the towel, squinting to see Josh standing before him, half dressed in jeans. 

"But you love me. You said it. I... I couldn't remember how it came out. When I was in the mines, I couldn't remember." Josh flattens his hand, moving along Chris' stomach to his side. "I missed you. You said you missed me. But I missed you so much, Chris." 

Chris relaxes, a bit flustered at their close proximity and Josh's words. He drapes his towel around Josh's head, shuffling the top as he helps aid the drying process in regards to hair. 

"Shut up, bro."

"I'm the super cool guy with a sweet boyfriend. Guess the bad guy can still get the girl after all." Josh muses, hair disheveled when Chris lifts the towel off.

"You're not a bad guy and I'm not a girl."

"Some would argue that I am." Josh responds, pulling a plain maroon shirt on. "Some would even say I'm a demon in disguise. You know there are articles on that? How after exorcisms some families fall apart because people are scared that it isn't all gone? You go through hell, have something hacking away inside you that you can't control and you wake up and it's over but you're alone."

Chris tugs on his jeans, slipping an arm into his button up after. "That won't ever happen to you."

"Well I never expected my roommate to try and get my ass repossessed either." It's a joke, but Chris can hear the tail end of desperation laced around the words. Josh forces a smile, sliding on Chris' parka.

"Anything can happen, Chris."

Chris pauses on buttoning. "Not with you. If I can help it."

He was expecting hell when they had reached the mountain, but instead they found Josh at the gate covered in his roommate's blood, dazed but happy to see them. He expected hell and received months of painful silence instead of another closed casket funeral. But Josh was here in front of him now, stealing his parka again, with his hands in his pockets and a beanie on his head. Josh was here, coherent and the mountain was far, far away.

"I'll move in with you." Josh tells him. "I'll move in with you for another ten years."

Chris' heart hammers in his chest. "Expect to stay for twenty."

"That's a long time, man."

"I agree, bro."

Josh hums. "It'd be nice."

Chris looks at him. "Wouldn't it?"

Josh smirks. "Alright, Cochise."

Sam bursts through the patio door, shivering slightly but smiling. She slams the door closed, still smiling and it's a bit creepy considering the crazed look in her eyes.

"It's fucking cold out there and I was afraid of walking in on something gay. But I got over it. Really fast. Cause it's cold. Josh, stop pretending you need a jacket when you can't feel anything beyond intense heat."

Josh snuggles into Chris' parka. "But it smells good. Smells like home."

Chris blushes and Sam curls her lips in disgust.

"God, you're both gross and sappy and gaaaay. Let's go."

They follow her out of Josh's room when Chris finishes dressing, down the hall, past the empty study of Bob Washington and through the front door. Josh takes his hand once they're settled in Chris' car. 

"I can only sleep in beds with you." Josh breaks the silence. "I couldn't sleep beside anyone else. I'd get too uncomfortable and want to sleep on the floor so I'd just go home and sleep underneath my bed."

"You sayin' I'm fat, bro?"

"No, dick." Josh props his feet up on the dashboard. "I'm saying you make me comfortable. Relatively normal. Cause sleeping in beds is normal."

Chris starts the car, signaling Sam to drive ahead. He drives after her, cued in on how Josh leans his head against Chris' arm.

"That can't be comfortable."

"It is." Josh corrects. "Gotta lot bones to stretch, my man."

They fall into a comfortable silence, Josh leaned against him, legs on the dashboard, idly scrolling through music on his phone. He plays The Beach Boys, voices flowing through the speakers. Chris vaguely recognizes the song.

"Do you think the Mighty Foursome is gonna fuck in your bed?" Josh cranes his head to look up at Chris.

Chris had considered that a possibility. "Probably. Ash and Sam will most likely occupy the couch."

"What does that leave us in the apartment?"

"Closet. Shower. Wall. Kitchen counter."

"Don't think I can take another encounter with a surface top." Josh chuckles, texting on his phone.

"Think you were too worked up to care about being fucked on your desk. We didn't even clean that shit off."

Josh shrugs his shoulders. "I wasn't expecting to get fucked on my desk. Or to get fucked at all to be honest."

"What were you expecting?"

"To be called an idiot but we break up and you leave, only calling some times during the week. Me sending howls to the moon. The usual. Not getting fucked on my desk."

"Seemed like the right thing to do." Chris responds and Josh laughs. "Glad you're so easy."

Josh punches him in the arm. "Shut up. Everyone else had to wine and dine me."

"Better not be putting out anymore." Chris grumbles, easing the car to a stop as Sam turns at a stop sign.

"Of course not, Cochise. Only to you and your nice stroke game. Kimbel was a lucky gal the past few months."

Chris reddens. "Who told you?"

"Kimbel." Josh says as if it's obvious. "Seemed fair. I got her worked up over a threesome, she got me worked up on not having your dick for two months. She's scary, man. Fucking amazing."

Josh selects a new song in their silence, leaning his head back against Chris' arm when he's done. Chris glances away from the road briefly, staring down at the top of Josh's head. He noses the crown, smiling wordlessly when Josh shivers underneath him. 

"If you drive around Sam before this next stop sign and cut her off, I'll blow you." Josh turns to him with a shit eating grin. 

Chris barks out a laugh. "You're fucking insatiable. I don't think I have the stamina for this."

"I also made a bet with Mike that we'd beat Sam and Ashley to the couch. So.. Kinda don't want to lose ten bucks."

Chris squints, turning back to the road. "You're set for life, man. What is ten bucks going to-"

His breath hitches when Josh smooths a hand over the front of his jeans. 

"Just kinda wanted a reason to justify giving you brain in the car, Cochise." Josh unbuckles his seat belt, sliding off Chris' parka. Chris tenses, trying to focus on the road as Josh leans over the center console.

"Godspeed, Pilgrim." Josh whispers into his ear, the drag of a zipper filling the air.

Chris barely registers Sam flicking him off when he zooms around her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is anticlimactic and sappy and gross but honestly I thought about the ending and wrote three different ones but Josh was only coming back from one, if you catch my drift. I hope you enjoyed the sap.


End file.
